The Ornament

This Christmas morning was a little different than our previous Christmases have been. The entire year has been a little "different", since the Big Guy has been working away from home. It's been a difficult transition to go from having a very hands on partner/father to one who is no longer here on a daily basis. Due to all this upheaval and unpredictability of the past few months, I felt like the holidays crept up on me and knocked me over the head with a boulder. Nothing has felt right with the Big Guy gone. This situation has caused finances to be off because of maintaining separate residences, I didn't have the time I normally would have had to go shopping and what not because I had no one here to watch the girls, the ebb and flow of our very existence has been out of whack this past year. So, it was no surprise that this Christmas morning, things felt peculiar.

I woke up and I knew I wasn't going to be opening any gifts,that was no big deal, I had accepted that fact. Normally, I have an abundance of gifts to open. But that's OK. Don't feel sorry for me. The Big Guy bought me a really spectacular diamond band that I've been wanting ( last month) and my Mom bought me my BlogHer ticket, so believe me I didn't need anything to open. And, to be completely honest,  having the Big Guy home for 2 weeks consecutively is the most precious gift  that I could ever have asked for or wanted.If you could see the excitement in the girls eyes knowing that when they wake up in the morning, their Daddy would be there.You'd know, I want for nothing. If you could know the peace it brings my heart to have the Big Guy within arms reach, you would realize that the gift of his presence was priceless to all of us.

After the girls opened all of their gifts, and the Big Guy had opened the gifts that the girls had picked out for him, there was 1 little gift that we had all forgotten about. That is all of us,with the exception of Bella, had forgotten about. Bella makes a leap under the tree and says in her most sheepish little big girl voice,"Mommy, you forgot about YOUR gift!" I was stumped because I knew, for a fact, the Big Guy was told not to buy me anything (living apart strains the finances). Bella produced the sweetest, plain white bakery bag with a homemade card on it. I had forgotten about the "gift" she had made for me on the last day of school before the break. The gift that had been sitting under the tree for a week and I had been given strict orders could not be opened until Christmas morning. Bella:"Open it,Mommy"as she placed it into my hands. I followed her instructions, as I opened that simple white bakery bag and inside was the most beautiful ( to me) handmade ornament that I have ever laid my gaze upon. At that moment, sitting in front of the Christmas tree with my girls and the Big Guy next to me, I realized that I had the most amazing gift in the world..I had a all the love my heart could hold and then I cried. I wept for the happiness of being blessed with so much love and I wept with sadness knowing that we've lost almost an entire year together.After all was said and done, that sweet little angel ornament in the plain white bakery bag is the most meaningful gift I have ever received. Thank you Bella and Gabi for coming into my world and putting things into perspective!!Mommy loves you!

What's the most meaningful gift that you've received?

The Lump in My Heart Runneth Over

I fully realize this picture is fuzzy but there is something ethereal about & it is very reminiscent of how the weekend felt.

The house lights went down & I was overcome with emotion.I sat there, my 3 year old to my right and her father on the other side of her.We held our breaths.Tchaikovsky started to swell from the orchestra pit and my heart began to swell with pride, as my eyes swelled with tears in anticipation of my little girl's debut performance on the stage as a ballerina.

We know the story of the Nutcracker well.We've been reading it to Bella since she was 3, the year that she started taking ballet.It is a big part of our holiday tradition.This year was different, this year it wasn't just about sitting in the audience and basking in the holiday spirit .This year was momentous.This year, the Nutcracker was one of my Bella's milestones; like first steps, first words, first day of school. Like so many before it and so many that are yet to come, it is that moment that parents find themselves reluctantly and pridefully letting go...just a little, just enough to give you a great big lump in your heart.

So, there I sat with my great big giant lump in my heart, trying to hold it together.Waiting, hoping, not breathing in anticipation of the end of the first act;the moment that my little snowflake would enter stage left. Then it happened, there she was with her white leotard and tutu, wrapped in the glow of the stage light, floating gracefully above the floor like a vision in tulle loveliness. I realize that everyone else was focusing their attentions on the "big" snowflakes ( the more seasoned ballerinas) but my every attention was devoted solely to my little snowflake.Every plies, leap, pirouette that she did, I watched her face to see that she was enjoying every moment of it.After all, isn't that what we live for..those moments of sheer happiness in our child's face. The 5 minutes that she was on stage felt like a lifetime, as I sat there holding my breath and trying to suppress the lump in my heart. Then, it was over. Four months of rehearsals, weeks of anticipation, countless dollars and a few moments of graceful beauty under falling snow; priceless!

We met her backstage with roses, gifts, and enough praise to last her a lifetime but no words could amply convey the pride I felt in my heart. Family and friends came from all over to see our little girl take the stage.I just tried not to cry...too much.I held it together pretty well until the ride home from the theater and then the lump in my heart gave way and burst, overflowing and escaping through my eyes. There I sat, silently, ugly crying feeling the pride and momentum of what had just transpired.The Big Guy sat next to me, pretending not to notice how swept away I was by this occasion. He's learned after 13 years to just be, any interaction or conversation can induce hysterics;hyperventilating, noisy, body shaking ugly crying.

It was a moment she will never forget and neither will the Big Guy and I. It was the first moment our little girl became a real ballerina. It is emblazoned in my mind like the image on my digital camera with the waltz of the snowflakes accompanying it on a never ending loop. What is a moment of overwhelming pride that you have felt for your child? How did you handle the lump in your heart?

How the Grinch almost Stole Mommy

The holidays for me are usually all warmth and fuzziness, mostly. Don't get me wrong they are chocked full of craziness but right underneath the surface of all the chaos, complete happiness is bubbling its way to the surface and about to spill over. But for some reason, this year things feel... off. It all looks great on paper, we are doing all the things that should be done to make wonderful memories for our girls but for some reason, I don't feel like my heart is in it. I don't feel the bubbly goodness rising to the top as it should be this far into December.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am watching the finances closely since this year has been full of new jobs, relocations and maintaining separate households, which is nothing to speak of the fact that our whole life has been suspended and not quite right with the Big Guy not living here. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with being overwhelmed by the to do lists and not enough time to accomplish the tasks at hand. I have been buried under snow for most of December and there's been no time for shopping, baking, enjoying. Its been a series of appointments and dates. Truly, I feel like my girls are being jipped out of their Christmas. I've been so  caught up in all the obligations that I've been snapping at my girls and firing snark from my mouth like an AK-47.I know on more than one occasion, lately, I've given them the "are you retarded?" look and may have even said something to that effect, but not quite as awful. But the sentiment was there and that is as guilty as saying the words themselves. Thoughts become words and words become actions.Well, even thinking that makes me a really horrible Grinch of a mother, in my book. I don't want to be THAT person.I don't want my girls to think it even fathomable that I could mean such awful words.The thought of them believing that I think they are anything less than amazing or that my love is conditional upon whether or not they are pleasing to me, makes me sick to my stomach.I want to be happy, excited and gay. I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses.

Christmas is not about things to do, places to be or presents to open; Christmas is about love, peace and people.I want my girls to look back on their childhood Christmases and remember the cuddles in front of the fire, spontaneous Christmas cookie baking, making fudge with Daddy, snowball fights, and watching Christmas Movies; staying up late to put cookies out for Santa and going to mass with the whole family.It's firsts snows and snow angels.It's togetherness.It's a series of moments that form a lifetime. I want it to be a feeling in their heart.I want it to be the spirit of something larger than us; of hope, love and joy. I'm clearing out the clutter of my life and my mind and going forth, my only true obligation is going to be to see to it that my girls are happy.Everything else is secondary.  

Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas,
Come this way! Come this way! 

Friday Morning Happiness

It's Friday and I just don't feel like Fawk You's. I'm having a happy Friday and so I want to take a moment to bask in the great things happening to me, right now:) (As evidence I don't always..just bitch:)LOL

She's wearing the crazy cowgirl hat because it was CRAZY hat day @ school.Halloween party was yesterday.

My Bella lost her first tooth last night in the middle of the night. I was awaken by a little face pressed to mine, whispering,"Mommy, my tooth fell out!Yippee!" She is so excited, she says it makes her a "real" kindergartner!I'm a little sad about it but I am really happy that she is so excited.Now, to figure out what the tooth fairy will be leaving and I gotta get on that tooth fairy pillow!STAT!

I know I am biased but this kid rocks my socks off!

An unsuspecting moment of joy appeared this morning, on the way back from kindergarten drop off, Bruno Mars' Just the way you are came on the radio and it is one of my favorites because of what it represents. I sing it to my girls all the time. This morning, from the back seat I hear a little voice lifting up.I peak in my rear view and there is my 3 year old singing it at the top of her lungs and my heart swooned.Girl you're amazing..just the way you are!!

Next, I am ecstatic for my Big Guy to come home! I look forward to Fridays like most people look forward to Christmas and so do my girls. The Big Guy is a wonderful father and husband. He is a very hands on parent and if I need a nap or a couple hours to myself, he knows before I even  need to ask and tells me to go do it. He really does complete me.I absolutely love me some Big Guy!

We are also really ecstatic about the fact that my wonderful brother in law has popped the question to his gorgeous girlfriend.We couldn't be happier.I can't wait to have another sister and my girls are over the moon to have "the Great" be their auntie! We love you both and we are wishing you a long life of happiness together!

J.dot.A.dot, this song is for you...We're so happy that You found her!

Next, I want to wish a very happiest of birthdays to my baby sister, Bekiluki (her Papi appointed nickname  from our childhood.We all have them:). Girl, this is going to be the year big things happen for you. I feel it in my bones. Remember, Monday, November 1st is the first day of the rest of our lives.We pinky promised!I'll be right there to hold your hand little sister, always! You can do anything you want to in this life.You deserve happiness! Go get your happiness!! Love you!

Bertie this is for you.Listen to the lyrics and know that  you are amazing and I am always here for you,little sister.There is a light in your eyes....

 

 Last but not least, Happy Friday, everyone! This song makes me happy spontaneously,hope it can brighten yours, as well.

 Happy Halloween from the Truthful Mommy household!

Baby Of Mine

Kindergarten has been a big step for our Bella and it doesn't seem that the firsts show any sign of slowing down anytime soon. I have mixed emotions about all of this. For the most part of it, I am very excited for my Bella. Unfortunately, the fact that I left the girls overnight for the first time ever coupled with the fact that she has had about 4 firsts in the past week, add to that me trying to upload photos and stumbling into a folder with photos of my Bella when she was newborn to about 2 years old and on top of that add the Bette Midler song Baby Mine and I am sitting here, alone in the middle of the night, feeling a bit emotional. As always, I share these moments with you, my friends.

Last Tuesday, while we were at ballet class with Gabs, Bella and I were sitting in the car waiting for Gabs to be done. Bella was in the passenger seat spelling out words ( She is getting to be such a big girl) and I am reading. I hear the click clack of her Barbie laptop stop, I glance over and there she is..tying her shoe..all.by.herself! It really felt a lot like those first steps she took when she was about 10 months old. I was so proud. She's only been shown once. She amazes me. Where did that helpless little baby go? How can I be so happy and so sad simultaneously? Mostly, I was proud. Just ask any of my friends and family...I took a picture of it and mass texted it to them all.

First Shoe Tie 9/21/10

Then on Wednesday, we had our first rehearsal for the Nutcracker. I can't believe that 3 years have already passed since she first started ballet. She was such a tiny thing when she first began and now she is a snowflake. She looked like such a big girl ballerina in her leotard, tights, and performance bun. I do realize its the same thing she wears to class every single week for class. But something is different, my Bella is different. She is growing up every hour of every single day.Letting go, even a little, hurts a lot but thank God it is dulled by the happiness that she shows on her face when she accomplishes something that she has set her mind to. It amazes me what a strong characterful little person she is at such a young age.

First Nutcracker Rehearsal for the Snowflakes 9/22/10. This is the photo that broke the Big Guys heart because he had to miss this moment.

Then on Thursday, she came home with 2 declarations. The first one was "Mommy, I was chosen as one of the stars of the day." Me: "Great,baby!I'm so proud of you!" Bella: ( a little bashful) "Umm, Mommy, the star of the day gets a piece of bubblegum." And with that she pulls a little baggy from behind her back, with one little red gumball in it. She is smiling so big that I can hardly stand it. Me;"Bella, you know you are too young for gum." Who the hell gives gum to kindergartners? This is the same teacher who is so strict about no unhealthy snacks.Yeah, OK. I am watching as Bella's face is losing its smile. Bella: "But Mommy, the other stars got one too!" How could I deny her her reward that she was so obviously proud to have been chosen to receive. I told her that we would split it, and she could chew it for 5 minutes in my eyesight, but from now on she would have to put them in a Ziploc, put them in the freezer and save them until she's 8! I know, very random solution but it satisfied her for the moment. I'm not a fan of gum for kids...bad for teeth, choking hazard, etc.

The next declaration was a little more substantial, thank goodness we had spat our gum out or I may have swallowed mine. Bella, puts her hand on her hip, has a very nervous look on her face and says,"Mommy,I've got to tell you something" Me: "Yes, Bella, what do you need to tell me?" Bella: "Mommy, I like Bill* (*names have been changed to protect the innocent) and Bill likes me!" She's blushing, so I am pretty sure I know what that means. But I don't want to embarrass her. I want her to be able to tell me anything.But, I had to know,"Bella, do you mean like a boyfriend?" Bella: (blushing and giggling and averting eye contact) "No, Mommy..like he's my best friend!" I heard what she said, but I also saw what her face said, that little face that I have read every single day for the past 5 and a half years..her little heart is happy. She has her first crush.

Today, as I was waiting for Bella to come out of class ( she is one of only 4 half day kindergartners) and so is Bill*. Bill's mother sits down next to me and says, "I was told to be here early , I have been given strict orders to find out from you when the Nutcracker performances are because Bill* said he has to go see Bella in the Nutcracker." We both giggled, because its obviously the sweetest thing either of us have ever heard...ever. But, oh my God, I won't lie it choked me up just a bit. As we're pulling out, Bella and Gabs are gleefully screaming "Bye, Bill!" And the cutest little boy ever waves them both on. In the car ride home, Bella informs me that I must talk to his mother about setting up a play date with Bill*. She continues on and tells me that the two of them were talking about it. She told him he could come over and play dress up with her. She told him he could be a fairy. He said,"Nah, I have a cape with jewels on it. I can be the prince and you can be my princess!" Priceless. do you hear that "Awwwww" in your head too? Or is it just me? It also makes me wonder, am I scheduling a play date or just a date?

This, of course, catapults me about 20 years into the future and I can already feel myself losing that helpless little baby I met on the day she was born to the man of her dreams on her wedding day. I am now more convinced than ever that parenthood is misery peppered with moments of profound bliss. God has given us these little people that steal our hearts, our minds, and our bodies and then in the end they leave us alone to miss them. Now, I understand why grandchildren are so important..its a way for parents to have a little part of their children back. Its probably also why grand kids can get away with so much. Parents have already felt the loss of their children growing up and leaving and have a new barometer of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. To be able to hold your children in that moment when they are little perpetually would be worth almost any price to have again, once they are grown. For now, I am going to cherish every single first, smile, giggle, even the tantrums and heartbreak because this time passes too quickly. Baby of Mine!

There's some things that need to be said

I watched you sleep in

quietly in my bed

you don't know this now

but theres some things that

need to be said

it's all that i can hear

it's more than i can bare

what if i fall and hurt myself

would you know how to fix me

what if i went and lost myself

would you know where to find me

if i forgot who i am

would you please remind me

ohhh

cause without you things go hazy

I miss you Big Guy, today more than most

The Fickle Friendships of Five Year olds

This morning,we awoke to  a dreary morning.These are the hardest to get the girls our of bed. I decided to get the morning started off on the right foot. I cranked up the i tunes and we had a early morning dance party to Liztomania. I know, not conventional but it got the girls up and moving and in a good mood. The rest of the morning went relatively smoothly.

We even arrived at drop off a few minutes early and Bella wanted to wait for her new friend. Yes, after all the drama of 'feeling left out' she has finally made a "best friend" in class. She has loads of friends outside of school but we all know how imperative it is to have at least one at the place we spend everyday.It's been great. She has someone to play with and talk to, stand in the morning line with. They see each other at mass and they walk, arm in arm down to children's liturgy. This friendship has been a source of heart happiness all around.Bella is actually looking forward to getting to school. ever morning.

But this morning, things went horribly wrong. In reality , it was not a big deal but through the eyes of a five year old, it was pretty monumental. As I said, we were specifically waiting for this little girl. Bella refused to get in line, lest she end up stuck by someone other than her bestie. Her excitement was palpable. So, there we stood and then..she arrived. Bella's little face lit up like a Christmas tree. I was wearing what could only be described as a cat that ate the canary grin , myself. How could I not be, Bella was so happy.

I watched the little girl approaching and she had that  running late/woke up late/ pissed at the world look on her face. As an adult, I knew that  these were the tell tale signs of a bad mood. But before I could stop the train wreck.. it happened. Bella made a b line for the little girl and when she ran up in line next to the little girl, still smiling and excited, her excited chatter was greeted by what I refer to as the,  "Why the hell are you speaking to me" blank expression.You know the one, we've all seen it once or twice in our lifetime. That look that makes you feel about 2 inches tall; simultaneously breaking your heart and making you feel stupid in the same moment.

I watched as all the color drained from Bella's face and I could virtually see her heart sink and her stomach knot. She became silent, and she looked at me. her eyes nervously  darted towards me and cried out " What's going on?Why is my friend being mean to me?" I saw her eyes welling with tears. In my head, I was willing her not to cry. She held my gaze with a nervous smile.I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat because while I understood that this little girl was just having a bad morning, Bella did not .All that she knew was that her best friend wouldn't talk to her.

Of course, I came over and gave Bella a hug and kiss in line and told her that I loved her. I also told her to not worry about it, maybe the little girl was just having a hard time waking up. Then I walked to the back of the line to wait for Bella to go into the building. She held my gaze, as if it were my hand and I was giving her strength. The bell rang and as she walked away, I saw her head drop a little. My heart was breaking for her.

Her class is in the basement and from the drop off, you can see her classroom. I never linger and watch her come into class but she looked so deflated and defeated that I could not, in good conscience,  leave without knowing she was OK. I watched as she came into class and made yet another failed attempt at talking to her friend. My heart broke a little more. Then she continued to follow the little girl around the room. She was determined. Then they sat down and I realized the connection, their best friend status stems from seating geography; probably nothing else. Finally, she looked up and her sister and I smiled and waved. Then we exchanged air kisses. I gave her the thumbs up and she smiled. Then the little girl caught sight of us and I smiled and gave her a thumbs up too. Next, both girls were waving their arms wildly, smiling and giggling with one another as they shared this moment of Gabs and I standing outside smiling at them. I left and I felt that maybe I had righted the injustice. At least they were talking.

I know that I can't live my daughters lives for them. But as their mother, I want to shield them from all the unnecessary hurt in the world. I think that is pretty common for us Mommies. I walked to my car and I almost lost it because I'm not sure what hurt or happiness the day holds for Bella and worse, I have no control over it. You know, I can take anything the world wants to throw at me but I become extremely fragile when it comes to my girls. My heart is worn like an exposed nerve when it comes to them. I realize that these incidents are part of growing up and any hurt feelings are just casualties of getting to that bigger part of their life. But all I want to do is wrap her tightly in my arms and shield her from all the injustices and hurt in the world. When it comes to my love for my girls there is no reason, no boundaries, no diplomacy...just love.

The House that Built Me

I'm feeling a little nostalgic for my home and my parents. Who knows maybe it has something to do with my girls and all these firsts for them of late, the letting go and moving on a letting go some more, maybe it has to do with the loneliness and upheaval of my husband being 300 miles away on a daily basis, or maybe the fact that my Mom has been ill and I have been worried about her health...missing my Mommy. They say love makes a house a home and that home is where the heart is. I believe that. I grew up in a small house with 6 brothers and sisters, but we loved each other. It may not have been much to look at  but it was home. It is where I grew from a child to a woman. It is where I watched my sisters become my best friends and my brothers grow into men. It was where my Mom cooked and filled the house with warm breakfasts each day before walking us to school. It's the place where my dad played games with us. It is the house where my husband asked my Dad for my hand in marriage.It's where I first met my nephew/Godson. It's where I learned that my Grandmother had passed away. It's the warmth that enveloped me as I was pregnant with my first on Christmas eve of 2004. It's the place that was always filled with laughter , love and family. It was the place where my heart got broken the very first time.It's the place where I made my first friend ever.It's were my Mom could fix any heartache or disappointment with one of her special grilled cheese sandwiches.It's where I learned how to drive, when I was 13.  It's where the 15 ear old me looked out my back window to see my first boy friend.It's where I learned that Daddies can make nightmares go away and Mommies can cure boo boos with a single kiss. It's where I got into my first and only fight protecting a friends honor. It's the yard where I received my first hand hold and kiss. It's the place where countless birthdays and holidays were celebrated.It's the place I look forward to going and sitting on the porch with my parents, my brothers,sisters,nieces ,nephews,and my own children and having long chats as the birds sing amidst our urban home. A home is not the boards and mortar that compose it, it is the people and love that fill it! The home I grew up in is warm and comforting because of the wonderful family and friends that I have been blessed to share it with.

I love these people more than words can do justice. Just know, Mommy, Daddy, Carlos, Melissa, Bertha, Jose, Obie,Wayne, Bella, Gabs, Alex, Briana,Dominic, Luca, Jodie, Brian, Michael, Mikey, Carol, Dennis, Jeff, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Ramon, Uncle Narciso,Nikki, Nicole,Sarah, Jennifer you build me; You've lift me up and make me who I am. Thank you.

Love Letter

Staying up late with my insomnia is great for catching up on emails and writing my posts, but it definitely has its price. You know exhaustion, exacerbation of Mommy Brain, matching black luggage stored beneath my eyes. But there is a friend, nay a savior, that comes to my rescue at every beckon and this is a small tribute to my beloved friend.

Oh sweet beauty, with your black and stainless sleekness sparkling it the morning sun,
You call to me with your siren voice,
Beckoning me from my slumber.
You faithfully greet my tired, weary smile every morning
Without fail, you are always there.
You pick me up when I am down,
You give me strength , when I have none.
Your aroma wafts through the air and demands my attention.
You produce a sweet resuscitant to combat the death of my exhaustion
Some say you are but an object,
To me, you are a crucial part of my existence.
I need you, I want you, I love you~
You light up my life, you give me hope.
Thank you for the long conversations with great friends,
the Saturday mornings with my husband, for the salvation of my Motherhood.
You are my Keurig, forever and always.
May no man tear apart what Bed, Bath & Beyond has joined together.

All My love and Gratitude, 

Truthful Mommy

NO this was not  paid for by Keurig, nor did they give me a free anything. They never even contacted me:( But I do love my Keurig and more importantly, I love my coffee that my Keurig makes.Happy Mothering!

Seriously, Saks Fifth Avenue is taunting me!

 

I don't believe its a coincidence that yesterday, I posted about how much I was in love with the Louboutin Perdue Platform Sandals and since then..I have received this  in my in box 3 times! Hey, Saks..Louboutin...not nice taunting a Mommy with these beauties. Either put up or shut up...I told you I'd do a REVIEW!!!!LOL Happy Friday!

Girls and their Daddies

A couple of years ago for Christmas, Bella ( then 3) wanted to tell her Papi why she loved him. It was her special gift to him ( and it really was. It brought he and I both to tears). Today, of all days, I stumbled across it and it seems apropos to share with you all here today. So, In the spirit of Father's day here is Bella's List from Christmas 2008.

Top 20 things that I love about my Papi

Christmas 2008

• I love when you take me outside and play in the snow.
• I love when you take me with you to get groceries.
• I Love you because you love me!
• I love when you play Barbies with me and use funny voices.
• I love when you paint with me and teach me how to draw.
• I love when you dance Wiggles dance contest with me and sissy.
• I love when you count with me.
• I love when you decorate the Christmas tree with me and take us to see Christmas lights.
• I love when you play camping with us inside our Hello Kitty tent.
• I love when you help me clean my room and straighten my bed.
• I love when you make gingerbread houses with us.
• I love when you kiss my booboos and use Dora bandaids.
• I love when you watch the Nutcracker and dance with me.
• I love you when you hug me when I am sad.
• I love when we play dress up and you tell me I am pretty.
• I love when you watch frosty with me and drink hot coco.
• I when you come and sleep in my bed with me when I have nightmares about Chickens ( and Lemurs)
• I love when we all take family naps together and you cuddle with me.
• I love you when you drive all the way to my favorite mall to get me spicy chicken.
• I love when you do nice things for me, like bring me surprises and play outside with me in the summer.

Most of all,I love you because you're the best Papi I never  (ever in Bella speak) saw!

This list pretty much sums up the eyes with which my girls view their Daddy, every day. He is an amazing Father. He lives to make his girls ( luckily that includes me as well) smile and their sadness moves him to tears. I am blessed to be married to a man whose heart and personality can fill a room.Words can not convey the love I feel for him when I see him with our daughters.  He's a real trooper too. The girls and I had planned to go all out for Father's Day, unfortunately, imagine my surprise when both girls got sick this weekend. Daddy got to spend Father's Day weekend, helping me tend to sick feverish children at all hours of the night. The girls looked at him all weekend with adoration as he helped administer meds and give luke warm baths, and carry sickly babies from couch to bed and back again.And I have never found him to be quite so sexy as he was helping me this weekend. Sorry you had to spend your Father's Day in the trenches,baby, but I sure did appreciate it.We love you honey, more than you will ever know! I'm sure next years list will include: 

I love you when you take care of me when I am sick!

Happy Father's Day to all the fantastic Fathers in your lives!

The illusive baby book

Before my girls were ever born, in the very early stages of conception , I became obsessed with  chronicling every single thing they would ever do. There were the usual; first tooth, first time crawling, first time sleeping through the night, first solid food, first trip to Grandma's..and so on and so forth. but were those other things that I just new I never wanted to forget too, first tantrum, first time they bit someone, first concert, first time they threw up on me, first time they danced with a Wiggle ( oh yeah, my girl got pulled up on the stage..it was very reminiscent of Courtney Cox and Bruce Springsteen but with hot potato and smashed banana...). There have been a lot of things I have recorded. But somewhere along the way, things went horribly wrong.
The "baby Book" that I so painstakingly searched for and found after countless hours of searching the shelves of multiple bookstores has been forgotten. I mean its here. I know where it is....I think.Somehow it's been reduced to random pieces of  paper, napkins, tissues with dates and occasions on them. To be honest, I am praying I wrote the year and the child because it may just be the action and the date. I was so in the moment that I never thought I'd forget the first day Bella laughed so hard that she blew milk out her nose, or the day 11 month old Gabs (I'm not 100% sure but I'm pretty sure, all the signs tell me) ingested shit. Let's just say there was poop on her hands, and it looked like poop on her face. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, I called the doctor..there was nothing they could do but tell me to keep an eye on her, give me a statistic about how 100% of all money has traces of human feces on it (EWWWW! I'm not sure if they were trying to make me feel better or worse), and I'm pretty sure they they made a mark somewhere  ( you know some special database accessible to DCFS....1 eff up you're a dumb ass, 2 eff up's they're coming in and taking the kids away!) It was an accident people, if it even happened....which I'm not sure it did!
Anyways, I digress ( as always). My point being, I have become accustomed to writing these little forget me not notes, or stashing tickets to their first movies, or a napkin from their birthday party because it was
is going in the book at some not yet determined time in the near future . It's gotten so bad that now, whenever anything happens my 5 year old promptly exclaims " Hey , Mommy. You're putting that in the baby book, right?" I'm really not sure if she is being facetious, or serious. Either way, it makes me feel like a rat..lower than a rat..like a flea on a rat.
This weekend, I came to a life altering decision... I am going on a scavenger hunt. I am determined to find each and every single piece of tissue, toilet paper, napkin, scratch pad paper containing rogue information that I can find. When I do, I am going to bring that illusive Baby Book up to date. I plan to gather my randomly placed post it notes of my children's life thus far and my scattered thoughts on the whole thing and put together the most effing awesome Baby Book to ever walk the face of the earth ( you know what I mean).  I'm thinking I may just have to arm myself with wine and water , lock myself in the basement with all the papers and power through and get it done. I wonder if they will ever know the depth and breadth to the sacrifices we make for them? That Silent Ninja Mommy assistant would be priceless right about now. Next on the agenda, the baby quilt I keep promising myself that I am making from their baby clothes. Also,with each passing day, my husbands 'crazy' idea that I log everything that happens in our children's life into a file on the computer..seems to sound a lot better to me .

The Proposal, Part Deux

This  past weekend was the big guy and my 11th wedding anniversary. It was pretty special since last year for our 10th, he had just been downsized and our whole life was up in the air. Not much celebrating went on last year.This year however, was a completely different story.  Is it really possible that I can be more in love with this man by the day? 

We met in college, at a bar, through a mutual friend. He very nonchalantly looked down at me ( since he is a towering 6'5" ) and said, "Hey". I barely warranted a nod. I thought, "What an asshole!" Anyways, fast forward 4 months and there he is in yet another bar proposing. I was shocked and ill prepared for such a question.We had been dating exclusively since a few days after the "hey" incident but isn't 4 months really soon? Did I mention he asked me in the middle of a bar? No big drop down to your knee with a ring, hush over the crowd, as the DJ booth announces that the big guy needs quiet. No, just a "will you marry me?" in the middle of the dance floor, in the middle of a dance, in a middle of a night of drinking. WTF? I was shocked. I was flattered. I was confused. I was lucky. It took me a couple days to give him an answer, because as I mentioned..I was shocked. In 4 months, I was not expecting a ring. But, being the list making thinker that I was I thought about it and realized listen to your heart, " Are you crazy girl? Its too soon. Then I thought to myself, are you crazy girl...he's amazing and you love him. This is the way it was all going to end up anyways. He just figured it out first!(That's why I'm lucky)." Then I said yes, then I got a ring. He liked it but he wasn't forking out money to put a ring on it if I didn't say yes. I did tell you we were in college, right? Anyways, that was my first proposal back on January 28, 1998. The one that I found out later was supposed to be a Valentine's Day proposal ( how romantic) but he was nervous and jumped the gun...that's why he didn't actaully have a ring on him.

For our 5th wedding anniversary, he got me an upgraded ring. My original one was beautiful and it is very special to me but my 5 year one was something else. Lots of sparkle and shine, just like I like. Then he whisked me off to a hot and steamy vacation for two in New Orleans. I came home with really frizzy hair from the heat, and I'm pretty sure all the booze and love gave me our first daughter. Talk about a souvenir!

Fast forward, 6 years later to our do over 10 year anniversary ( our 11th anniversary) and the big guy has once again, shocked me! Oh yes, Ladies he came home ( from out of town work) and the girls were napping. He had a sandwich and sat dawn and watched a little bit of trash tv the Real Housewives of New York with me. He let me ramble on about some inane scenario that was taking place and then he left the room. I figured he went out to use the bathroom, check his email, who knows. We've been married for 11 years, I don't ask him where he's going every time he leaves the room, anymore. I am sitting there mind you with my grimy gardening clothes one, hair pulled back in a bun..crazy curls sprouting everywhere from the humidity...not a stitch of make up on. I turn around and I be damned if he is not next to my chair on his knee. Yes his KNEE. I have been waiting for this my whole life. It was "the proposal" , I always wanted and never got. But I figured as long as the guy was the right one, who cares if the proposal wasn't what I had always dreamed of.  I heard him saying "Now, will you marry me?" I think. I was in such shock. I was so happy, I grabbed that ring and hugged his neck and squeezed him and kissed him and said " Of course!" ( We are planning a vow renewal for our 15th..some place warm). Now, I know what that crazy reaction is that women have when they are asked to marry the man of their dreams when they have been waiting for it..expecting it. The ring is gorgeous. I am totally in love with my new ring, almost as much as I am with my husband. It is very special to me because it is actually the ring I was proposed to with! To top it all off, the next day ( our actual anniversary) we had a wonderful date ( alone without children) and it was amazing hanging out with my best friend, soul mate, man of my dreams and just talk and hear and see one another. Then I found out he was going to propose that night at the restaurant..drop to his knee,in the restaurant..how romantic. There he goes jumping the gun..again! I so love this man. I can't believe that he still makes my heart swoon. Thanks baby for being everything I never knew, I always wanted! Te amo!

Better than Ice cream

In a couple days, my husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary(we married when we were 19..not really but its the only way the math works if I am perpetually 30) and it has me feeling a little (how shall we say it) romantic! So this is for you baby! Because  for to me, you are better than ice cream. That's saying a lot considering my love affair with ice cream. I could give up all other food, but not ice cream. Never ice cream!

A garden where love grows

Yesterday, did not go according to plan. But does it ever? What's the saying? The road to hell is paved with what??? Oh yeah, good intentions. Hell, probably great intentions. The entire weekend was pretty awesome. If you disregard the groggy feeling that was induced by the Ambien induced sleep. And I thought I was going to awake well rested and ready to conquer the world. Ha! Then there was the freezing weather that we had to till the garden in, if we had any hope of planting this weekend. I know it was my weekend, and my idea for this lovely flower garden, so what kind of an asshole would I have been if I sat by and watched my poor husband till the garden in 40 degree weather? So, I helped. The damn tiller nearly pulled me across the yard and into my neighbors yard, that would have been solid. I'm sure that would have gotten me thrown out of the association. There I am being drug around the garden like a rag doll as my daughters ran a muck and my husband and  I froze our collective asses off, hoping and praying the hundreds of dollars we spent on flowers was not for naught, since there was a frost advisory..in MAY!!! What? Did this frosty bitch come in just to spite me and eff up my Mothers Day? Seriously! Once all was said and done, my husband and I were too sore to cuddle or have any "romantic" time together. That was Saturday. Then Sunday, the Mother of all days, I woke up late, I woke up grouchy, I woke up sore, I didn't make it to mass, spent the day trying to get the flowers into the garden while my poor husband kept trying to shoo me inside so I could rest. I couldn't rest when there was so much to be done and I surely am not the type to sit around and sit on my ass as he is working like a horse in the garden. Poor guy! The girls were under foot trying to help, slowing the process down even further. God bless 'em they were trying. After all was said and done, I have a beautiful flower garden.We ended the day with a deviation from our usual fancy gourmet meal my husband usually prepares. Instead, we had lovely burgers on the grill, grilled potatoes and corn on the cobb ending the meal with strawberry shortcakes. It may have not been the gourmet meal originally planned, but after a hard day of work it sure hit the spot. In the end, this weekend reminded me that it is not what you do (or don't do) on Mother's Day , it's who you spend it with! I was blessed enough to spend mine working my ass off in my garden with my beautiful family. If the amount of love put into this garden is any indication of how beautiful it will be, I will soon be tending the most gorgeous garden in the city. In my garden of life, a plethora of love surely blooms!

These are the moments...

So, as most of you know, my feisty 5 year old, Bella is really trying hard to give up the nap, to my utter dismay. Everyday, I try to put her down for a nap and 3 out of 5 times, mission NAP fails. Today, not unlike yesterday, she laid there for about 1/2 hour then comes out to inform me that "my brain just won't shut off" and therefore, she can not sleep. She's wearing me down, I'm about to give in but there is a stipulation. In order to bypass napping, one must promise and abide by the secondary rule by which all non-nappers must be tidy in their beds by 6:30 sharp..hopefully, to be asleep by 7:30 . Dream  big, yes I do. Anyways, knowing Bella, she NEVER abides by this rule. To be honest, short of taking away every single thing that she loves...I have no idea of how to make this whole bedtime ritual go down as planned. As of late, she has decided to put herself to sleep by drawing herself into exhaustion, much the way I like to read or write myself into exhaustion at bedtime (ergo the 2 am postings!)  . I know, now that Ive actually put this in type..you'd think I could find a more exciting , if not creative way to work myself into exhaustion at bedtime. But alas, my husband does work out  of town and off site 5 of the 7 days of the week.But my Bella, she likes to draw herself into sleepiness. I wondered why she wanted the window blinds left half open. This has happened a couple times. Today, however, she really must of had to exhaust herself. Once I no longer hear any stirrings from the bedroom, after her 3rd trip out to ask for water, tv, or a snack, I creep into her my bedroom and find my little Picasso lying exhausted and sound asleep surrounded by a fury of drawings. Be patient, I will share them with you. But before I do, I came in about 2 hours later and she was waking...half asleep and half awake..Bella: "Mommy, did you see the pictures I drew for you, Daddy, and Grandpa Chacha, Grandpa Denny, Grandma Suzy Q and Grandpa Manny?" Me;"Yes, I did . They are amazing! Go back to sleep." I really did think they were amazing but I also thought they were all for me:) I'll share..if I have to.

Must be for Daddy..notice the big "D" on it? Looks like Daddy, look at those long legs!

"M" for Mommy! Oooh, thanks Bella! I wonder if that's really how she sees me? Yikes, talk about a bad hair day?LOL

Look its all of her "parents" Top L-R, Grandpa Manny (curls), Grandma Suzy Q (shorty) Me (crazy hair). Bottom L-R, Grandpa Denny (long legs and losing hair), Grandma ChaCha (long legs and curly hair), Daddy (Long legs and crazy eyes). I love the way she put a "G" on all the Grandparents pictures, and a "M" on mine, & a "D" on Daddy. I think she is absolutely brilliant. These are the moments that make it all worth while.
Speaking of which, Gabs, in her infinite sweetness, sitting in my lap at bedtime takes her right arm and wraps it around the back of my neck and pulls me down, giggles and says, "ME LOVE YOU MOMMY!" and this is a priceless moment that I will never forget. Love my girls!

This is LOVE