The Ornament

This Christmas morning was a little different than our previous Christmases have been. The entire year has been a little "different", since the Big Guy has been working away from home. It's been a difficult transition to go from having a very hands on partner/father to one who is no longer here on a daily basis. Due to all this upheaval and unpredictability of the past few months, I felt like the holidays crept up on me and knocked me over the head with a boulder. Nothing has felt right with the Big Guy gone. This situation has caused finances to be off because of maintaining separate residences, I didn't have the time I normally would have had to go shopping and what not because I had no one here to watch the girls, the ebb and flow of our very existence has been out of whack this past year. So, it was no surprise that this Christmas morning, things felt peculiar.

I woke up and I knew I wasn't going to be opening any gifts,that was no big deal, I had accepted that fact. Normally, I have an abundance of gifts to open. But that's OK. Don't feel sorry for me. The Big Guy bought me a really spectacular diamond band that I've been wanting ( last month) and my Mom bought me my BlogHer ticket, so believe me I didn't need anything to open. And, to be completely honest,  having the Big Guy home for 2 weeks consecutively is the most precious gift  that I could ever have asked for or wanted.If you could see the excitement in the girls eyes knowing that when they wake up in the morning, their Daddy would be there.You'd know, I want for nothing. If you could know the peace it brings my heart to have the Big Guy within arms reach, you would realize that the gift of his presence was priceless to all of us.

After the girls opened all of their gifts, and the Big Guy had opened the gifts that the girls had picked out for him, there was 1 little gift that we had all forgotten about. That is all of us,with the exception of Bella, had forgotten about. Bella makes a leap under the tree and says in her most sheepish little big girl voice,"Mommy, you forgot about YOUR gift!" I was stumped because I knew, for a fact, the Big Guy was told not to buy me anything (living apart strains the finances). Bella produced the sweetest, plain white bakery bag with a homemade card on it. I had forgotten about the "gift" she had made for me on the last day of school before the break. The gift that had been sitting under the tree for a week and I had been given strict orders could not be opened until Christmas morning. Bella:"Open it,Mommy"as she placed it into my hands. I followed her instructions, as I opened that simple white bakery bag and inside was the most beautiful ( to me) handmade ornament that I have ever laid my gaze upon. At that moment, sitting in front of the Christmas tree with my girls and the Big Guy next to me, I realized that I had the most amazing gift in the world..I had a all the love my heart could hold and then I cried. I wept for the happiness of being blessed with so much love and I wept with sadness knowing that we've lost almost an entire year together.After all was said and done, that sweet little angel ornament in the plain white bakery bag is the most meaningful gift I have ever received. Thank you Bella and Gabi for coming into my world and putting things into perspective!!Mommy loves you!

What's the most meaningful gift that you've received?

My Cup Runneth Over

As I look around my house, I see tiny shoes and tiny socks scattered all about. There is a plethora of hand made gifts, drawings of my girls and myself magnetized to my over sized fridge. It makes me smile to see what my life has become. It may be hard at times to get through the day to day craziness but when little bodies fill my lap, or little hands touch my face before giving me a wet goodnight kiss, when tiny voices lift up their love to my heart..these are the moments of extreme bliss. This is the reward for all of the time spent worrying about my children, our lives, the next big thing, missing my life before my children. In perspective, there is nothing better than being the Mommy to my girls. I don't even remember my life before my girls blessed it. It seems like a faded, hazy dream that wasn't that impressive and soon forgotten. I'm not saying it wasn't good, I'm just saying it is much better with my husband and girls in it.
I have my days when it all feels overwhelming and I long for the days of me time and free time. I long for lazy Sundays squandered in bed, late night, uninterrupted talks with my husband , coming and going as I please. I do sometimes but I really think I am remembering with rose colored glasses. If I think really hard, I remember being bored a lot of the time. If I really think about it, before my husband and children, there was a hole in my life..a large, gaping, life swallowing void. That sounds so 1950's doesn't it? I don't really care if it doesn't sound cool. I care that when I really think about my life in its entirety, I am exactly where I always wanted to be. I am home. I am blessed with greatness; my cup runneth over.

Count your blessings

So, I always like to encourage people to count their blessings instead of their problems; You'll be much happier and have a lot more free time! That being said, seems of late I've been a really bitchy a**hole about all things and everything, especially my girls. Maybe its been the lack of sleep, the week day single mothering thing, missing my husband, needing some nookie, stress...who knows what the answer may be. All I know is this is not who I am, but it seems its who I've become. Temporarily anyways. I'm working through it and feeling my feelings.  It's come to my attention that I've been spending a lot of time on here complaining about my children. Boo on me for that.
The reason I am saying boo on me is because I recently, last night when I couldn't sleep, was checking out some blogs on last weeks FF and I came across one that really touched my heart. The name of the blog is Viva la Vida and I read her "Our Story" and it really reminded me of how truly blessed I really am. This woman and her husband, after being told it was medically impossible, became pregnant. There were complications and she had such a raging case of Hyperemesis Gravidarium that she had to be intravenously fed daily. She couldn't even keep water down. Because of the condition, the doctor had her get weekly ultrasounds to check on the baby's well being. As messed up as all this was, she got to see her precious baby grow in utero.Her and her husband were so excited to meet this baby.They had waited so long for their miracle and had held off on knowing the sex. Before her week 24 appointment, they decided to throw caution to the wind and find out the sex of the baby. The night before her appointment, she started feeling extremely sick and constipated. By the following day, their lives had changed forever. (Please go to her blog if you want the entire story. It is not my story to tell  and I can not do it the justice it deserves.) The baby they had watched grow for 24 weeks and had grown to love so much passed away, without warning and without a chance to say goodbye...or even a brief hello.
Her story touched my heart and made me realize how grateful I am that my babies are with me. That I can touch them, hold them, kiss them, cuddle them, see their faces every morning and watch them sleep. I can watch them grow and get to know them with each passing day. It made me realize how lucky I am that they are here with me to aggravate and annoy me, at times, because being made crazy by them beats being sane without them...any day of the week. She is a brave woman to share her story. I was moved to tears when I read her story. I hope one day she will get to hold her baby boy in her arms again, in heaven.
I get so caught up in the day to day craziness that is my life that sometimes I forget that "THIS" is everything I ever wanted! My girls are absolutely amazing. They blow my mind with their wit and beauty on a daily basis. Their souls and their intelligence beat that of any grown person,I've ever known.  I know women who have lost children before they were born, were still born at full term, who have lost infants, young children, and teenagers and it never seems to get easier or less painful when a Mother loses her children. The void that is left by the loss of a child is one I hope to NEVER know. So I am going to cherish my girls with all I have got for as long as I can,and if you hear me complain again from time to time....forgive me! I'm only human!

Being honest with yourself

Every morning, I wake up and I see my daughters, usually one or both have ended up in our bed at some point throughout the night, and I am in awe of them. I truly am overwhelmed with a feeling of pride and blessedness that I have the honor of calling these perfect human beings mine. The sheer fact that I had anything to do with assisting them to enter into this world, it makes my life worth living. And every night before I go to bed, I pray to God to watch over my daughters and to let them live long, happy, and healthy lives. Above all else, this is all I ask. It is all that really matters to me. I think this is how all mothers feel. But some time in between the morning awe and the bedtime kisses and prayers, we get sidetracked by life. I've caught myself yelling at my girls to " please be quiet," or even the occassional full on "Please shut up," at which I immediatley feel horrible and like I should be awarded the worst mom ever trophy. I know that I want and have every intention and capability of being a great Mommy to my girls but sometimes I feel that it is about as effective as having every intention and capability of working out. Where is that fine line that we cross where we go from thinking our kids' behaviour is endearing to it is unacceptable? Its not them who is changing the rules, it is us and these sliding scale rules to fit our own moods, that is the real problem. That is the true culprit to our frustration. I am making a concerted effort to look at my children , even in the most trying times, no matter the behaviour and stay in control. Who makes the rules? We do. So my new rules are these 1) Love my children above all else, no matter what they do 2) Never let them see you sweat.Stay in control. 3)Let the small things go. They are only small( the children ,not the "things'lol) for a short time.4)Turn the frowns upside down. Life is too short to be unhappy.5) It's more important to have a healthy and happy realtionship with your children than to have lots of money, a clean house, a quiet house, or a social life.By trying to have all of the above, you ( or at least I do) will find yourself frustrated and unfulfilled. So, my new mantra is "Enjoy my children and forget the rest", it is the only way that I can accept the chaos that fills my everyday. It is not a bad chaos, it is merely a deviation from my plan and sometimes thats enough to throw the most organized of us all into a complete parental tailspin. But what a wonderful, exciting tailspin it is and I am blessed to be able to share this journey with my two free-spirited, adorable daughters.