Nestled in between the Rock and the Hard place

The last few days, life has been weighing on me like a ton of bricks. I've been somewhat of an emotional wreck.I'm feeling as if I am falling short..in every avenue.


I have become accustomed to the weight of the world pushing down on my shoulders like a spring about to be sprung at anytime. This I am used to but  kept telling myself.."I" can do this. It's only  for a few more months. I can hold it together.If the Big Guy can go away to support his family, leave his home and his children..I can do this. I am afforded the luxury of staying in my own home with our little family by my side. Sure the silence after they go to bed is deafening and sometimes heartbreaking, but it is the least I can do.I owe it to 'Us' to be able to do this.Of course, I have my occasional breakdowns and find myself having a nice long, ugly cry over some seemingly innocuous incident. But then I move on and I am free of the pressure for a little while.


But I forgot about one vital piece of information...them. More important than can I do this, can they do this.


Bella had a terrible time last year when this all began.She had to leave her preschool with all her friends, her teacher, her life.Then when the Big Guy had to leave this past spring again, she was a wreck.He had to leave the day before her 5th birthday. An angry, displaced, overwhelmed little basket of nerves. I understood. I gave her some time and space. I was there with hugs and consolation. I was there overflowing with understanding and love.Always standing by with love. I never want them to feel a lack of love because of the lack of people around to give it. It broke my heart to watch her have to go through this at such a young age. To feel such misery and discombobulation is awful for anyone to experience. Eventually, the anger subsided. She grew up..too much and too fast because she was forced to accept the situation and learn to live with it.This breaks my heart to know that she has lost some of her innocence about the world because of money. I hate to see my children want for anything, especially when it is their Daddy, whom they really do hang the moon on.


There was one person who was silent through it all, my Gabs. Gabs is 3 and this situation with the Big Guy having to be gone, for work, has been going on since right around the time she turned 2.She was just a baby, really. So, I never considered how it would affect her. I don't think I even put her into the equation because she was so small. However now, she is 3 and a half and she has found her voice.She notices everything and she has an opinion.The last 8 months have consisted of me being here with my girls trying to figure it all out, the Big Guy being gone, on his own,alone.It's been Christmas Fridays and funeral Sunday nights left standing on the stoop, while watching  through tear filled eyes as my girls run down the road waving bye to their Daddy;screaming "I love you" at the top of their lungs. It's been Sunday nights filled with meltdowns of little girls missing their Daddy. Its been week nights of soothing little broken hearts calling out for their Daddy. It's been hard all the way around. Lately, Gabs has been acting out.She cries for her Daddy almost nightly and she tells me on a regular basis that she hates me and quite frequently can be heard asking "You hate me, don't you?" I know that she doesn't hate me but lately her question has been cutting like a knife through my soul. She wants her Daddy and I am beginning to wonder if she doesn't think I am punishing her by not being together. Does she think I have control of this situation? In her little mind, does she think I have willingly chosen to keep us all apart?


It's almost too much for my heart to bear.The rock and the hard place that I am nestled between is this; Bella is finally comfortable in school ( after being yanked out of her school in Virginia last year) and has finally made friends after the alienation episode at the beginning of this semester. I feel like I owe it to her to make life as normal as possible. After all , she is the child and I am her parent so I need to sacrifice to do what is best for her. That has been the plan since we first pulled this nasty trick on her. The Big Guy and I agreed to sacrifice so that the kids could remain in  their home, their city, until the end of the school year..to give them security and stability. It's been incredibly difficult but it seemed to be what was best.


Now,little Gabs is begging me to move us to be with the Big Guy; crying nightly, angry, confused, melancholy and still so small. What do I do? How do I choose? One scenario I pull Bella out, once again, and she has to start over..yet again. That doesn't seem fair. But then on the other hand, Gabs only wants to be with her father.Its such a simple request and a luxury that all children ,with two happily married people,should be afforded.But even this simple request, I can't provide for the little people that I love more than life itself.This weighs heavily on my soul.Am I making the right choice? How can I choose one of my children's happiness over the other? What are going to be the ramifications of these choices we are making today for our children down the line?Am I damaging my little ones?


So, here I sit alone in the quiet reevaluating every decision that I have made since the beginning of this entire situation.The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. It started with goodbye on a Sunday night, the girls started crying and they wore down the armor around my heart.And I haven't been able to regain my strength and stability, the weight of their little breaking hearts has knocked me off of my feet.Today has been a succession of crying over movies, tv shows, Gabs telling me that she hates me, and a bedtime reading of Love You Forever. I feel like a fragile ball of exposed nerves  roaming free in the world. I am exhausted from the gravity of this whole ordeal. For now, I'll pull my armor back on and regain my balance, for my girls. But I have to do some very serious soul searching. We think we are giving our children everything they could hope for but in the end, it boils down to what everything is to our children. For my girls, everything is a good night hug from their Daddy. It is priceless. How do I choose who deserves to be happiest? How do I tell one that their needs has to be put aside for the others?

The Fickle Friendships of Five Year olds

This morning,we awoke to  a dreary morning.These are the hardest to get the girls our of bed. I decided to get the morning started off on the right foot. I cranked up the i tunes and we had a early morning dance party to Liztomania. I know, not conventional but it got the girls up and moving and in a good mood. The rest of the morning went relatively smoothly.

We even arrived at drop off a few minutes early and Bella wanted to wait for her new friend. Yes, after all the drama of 'feeling left out' she has finally made a "best friend" in class. She has loads of friends outside of school but we all know how imperative it is to have at least one at the place we spend everyday.It's been great. She has someone to play with and talk to, stand in the morning line with. They see each other at mass and they walk, arm in arm down to children's liturgy. This friendship has been a source of heart happiness all around.Bella is actually looking forward to getting to school. ever morning.

But this morning, things went horribly wrong. In reality , it was not a big deal but through the eyes of a five year old, it was pretty monumental. As I said, we were specifically waiting for this little girl. Bella refused to get in line, lest she end up stuck by someone other than her bestie. Her excitement was palpable. So, there we stood and then..she arrived. Bella's little face lit up like a Christmas tree. I was wearing what could only be described as a cat that ate the canary grin , myself. How could I not be, Bella was so happy.

I watched the little girl approaching and she had that  running late/woke up late/ pissed at the world look on her face. As an adult, I knew that  these were the tell tale signs of a bad mood. But before I could stop the train wreck.. it happened. Bella made a b line for the little girl and when she ran up in line next to the little girl, still smiling and excited, her excited chatter was greeted by what I refer to as the,  "Why the hell are you speaking to me" blank expression.You know the one, we've all seen it once or twice in our lifetime. That look that makes you feel about 2 inches tall; simultaneously breaking your heart and making you feel stupid in the same moment.

I watched as all the color drained from Bella's face and I could virtually see her heart sink and her stomach knot. She became silent, and she looked at me. her eyes nervously  darted towards me and cried out " What's going on?Why is my friend being mean to me?" I saw her eyes welling with tears. In my head, I was willing her not to cry. She held my gaze with a nervous smile.I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat because while I understood that this little girl was just having a bad morning, Bella did not .All that she knew was that her best friend wouldn't talk to her.

Of course, I came over and gave Bella a hug and kiss in line and told her that I loved her. I also told her to not worry about it, maybe the little girl was just having a hard time waking up. Then I walked to the back of the line to wait for Bella to go into the building. She held my gaze, as if it were my hand and I was giving her strength. The bell rang and as she walked away, I saw her head drop a little. My heart was breaking for her.

Her class is in the basement and from the drop off, you can see her classroom. I never linger and watch her come into class but she looked so deflated and defeated that I could not, in good conscience,  leave without knowing she was OK. I watched as she came into class and made yet another failed attempt at talking to her friend. My heart broke a little more. Then she continued to follow the little girl around the room. She was determined. Then they sat down and I realized the connection, their best friend status stems from seating geography; probably nothing else. Finally, she looked up and her sister and I smiled and waved. Then we exchanged air kisses. I gave her the thumbs up and she smiled. Then the little girl caught sight of us and I smiled and gave her a thumbs up too. Next, both girls were waving their arms wildly, smiling and giggling with one another as they shared this moment of Gabs and I standing outside smiling at them. I left and I felt that maybe I had righted the injustice. At least they were talking.

I know that I can't live my daughters lives for them. But as their mother, I want to shield them from all the unnecessary hurt in the world. I think that is pretty common for us Mommies. I walked to my car and I almost lost it because I'm not sure what hurt or happiness the day holds for Bella and worse, I have no control over it. You know, I can take anything the world wants to throw at me but I become extremely fragile when it comes to my girls. My heart is worn like an exposed nerve when it comes to them. I realize that these incidents are part of growing up and any hurt feelings are just casualties of getting to that bigger part of their life. But all I want to do is wrap her tightly in my arms and shield her from all the injustices and hurt in the world. When it comes to my love for my girls there is no reason, no boundaries, no diplomacy...just love.

A crappy day in the life of an otherwise perfect existence

The entire point of this blog is to be honest with you. Not just when my kids are adorable, sweet and hilarious but also when they are being raging lunatics, whining brats and pretty much straight up assholes. Oh, don't get me wrong, they are my world so welcome to my world! A crappy day in the life of an otherwise perfect life. Daddy's been traveling a lot for an out of town job, so I am basically single Mommying it (which sucks , by the way. I'm not cut out for it , I don't have the stomach or patience for it.) It's basically been a 'No' fest, with lots of 'I don't want to's', refusals to sleep, eat, basically to adhere to any and all rules I may have. To make things worse, my 2 year old has developed quite the knack for incessant whining and sporadic screaming outbursts.... for absolutely no reason at all. As you all already know, there is no rationalizing with a 2 year old. So, Ive found myself doing a lot of threatening. Threatening that I was calling the cops to come take her away ( he can come take me away.... Please come take someone away). Threatening to send her to her Grandma's, child services.... You get the picture? I've become a really shitty mom( at least that's the way I feel..no I am pretty sure I have been a pretty shitty Mommy) saying things I don't mean, trying to get her to stop this behavior without physically beating her tiny little tush. I don't spank because I'm afraid that with my temper I couldn't stop. Plus I got spanked and I didn't like it. It hurt, it was scary, and it sucked.... but I did behave. So yesterday , I went off the deep end and yelled. I yelled so loud, it reminded me of when a lion roars. And then, I cried and apologized because it was such a shitty thing to do to someone so little who I love so much! I cried, then she cried, then her sister cried...I think we were all tired and emotional because Sunday's are the days Daddy leaves back out of town. I'm not making excuses for my shitty behavior, I am repenting. I am sharing because I know I am not the only Mommy who has fell off the deep end and landed in a pile of emotional wreckage. Today's a new day, things are better. I'm really employing the positive reinforcement. I wonder, how many stars do I get for keeping my cool and not crying? Happy Mothering.


-Truthful Mommy xoxo