The Lump in My Heart Runneth Over

I fully realize this picture is fuzzy but there is something ethereal about & it is very reminiscent of how the weekend felt.

The house lights went down & I was overcome with emotion.I sat there, my 3 year old to my right and her father on the other side of her.We held our breaths.Tchaikovsky started to swell from the orchestra pit and my heart began to swell with pride, as my eyes swelled with tears in anticipation of my little girl's debut performance on the stage as a ballerina.

We know the story of the Nutcracker well.We've been reading it to Bella since she was 3, the year that she started taking ballet.It is a big part of our holiday tradition.This year was different, this year it wasn't just about sitting in the audience and basking in the holiday spirit .This year was momentous.This year, the Nutcracker was one of my Bella's milestones; like first steps, first words, first day of school. Like so many before it and so many that are yet to come, it is that moment that parents find themselves reluctantly and pridefully letting go...just a little, just enough to give you a great big lump in your heart.

So, there I sat with my great big giant lump in my heart, trying to hold it together.Waiting, hoping, not breathing in anticipation of the end of the first act;the moment that my little snowflake would enter stage left. Then it happened, there she was with her white leotard and tutu, wrapped in the glow of the stage light, floating gracefully above the floor like a vision in tulle loveliness. I realize that everyone else was focusing their attentions on the "big" snowflakes ( the more seasoned ballerinas) but my every attention was devoted solely to my little snowflake.Every plies, leap, pirouette that she did, I watched her face to see that she was enjoying every moment of it.After all, isn't that what we live for..those moments of sheer happiness in our child's face. The 5 minutes that she was on stage felt like a lifetime, as I sat there holding my breath and trying to suppress the lump in my heart. Then, it was over. Four months of rehearsals, weeks of anticipation, countless dollars and a few moments of graceful beauty under falling snow; priceless!

We met her backstage with roses, gifts, and enough praise to last her a lifetime but no words could amply convey the pride I felt in my heart. Family and friends came from all over to see our little girl take the stage.I just tried not to cry...too much.I held it together pretty well until the ride home from the theater and then the lump in my heart gave way and burst, overflowing and escaping through my eyes. There I sat, silently, ugly crying feeling the pride and momentum of what had just transpired.The Big Guy sat next to me, pretending not to notice how swept away I was by this occasion. He's learned after 13 years to just be, any interaction or conversation can induce hysterics;hyperventilating, noisy, body shaking ugly crying.

It was a moment she will never forget and neither will the Big Guy and I. It was the first moment our little girl became a real ballerina. It is emblazoned in my mind like the image on my digital camera with the waltz of the snowflakes accompanying it on a never ending loop. What is a moment of overwhelming pride that you have felt for your child? How did you handle the lump in your heart?

Why did I teach my girls to spell

Remember the good old days when you could spell any word that you wanted your children NOT to understand. I don't know how many times we spelled "B.A.T.H", "S.L.E.E.P", "N.A.P." "O.U.T.S.I.D.E." and every single curse word..ever! In fact the other night, my friend and I were at dinner talking and she burst out into spelling a curse word.We both chuckled because the youngest person at the table was my baby sister who is 32. But its just one more of our Mommy moments.

Unfortunately for me, my brilliant 5 year old is phonetically spelling everything now and when we spell..she figures it out. So, no more talking about how they won't be going outside, or can't drive their Barbie Escalade in 50 degree weather. No more whispered spelling about what we plan to do after the girls go to sleep. No more talking about what just transpired with the crazy mom. No, because now my child who hears absolutely nothing I have to say to her can hear everything I spell that is of absolutely no concern to her.Worse, she can understand what I am spelling and takes great unabashed joy in deciphering my Mommy code!

Damn! Why did I ever teach my kid to spell? I am fairly certain my life is going to hell in a gasoline doused hand basket, any day now. She's already heard too much. She has cracked my code but worse is she cracked it before telling me she understood. In theory, I may or may not have said something about a certain crazy mother, teacher, neighbor or family member that may get repeated at the most inopportune time.It's like I'm being held hostage by a kindergartner, without her knowledge.I can't ask her not to say anything because a) I'm not sure entirely what she has deciphered and understood and what she has not b)if I do broach the subject and ask her not to repeat any thing, what kind of an example am I setting? I'd be teaching her that its OK to be mean and ugly and then to lie to cover it up.Yeah, because that will never come back to bite me in the ass.

No thank you! I have already learned my lesson, from my Mother's flurry of "I hope you have a little girl just like you when you grow up" that has since hit me over the head and kicked me in the ass ten fold. NO, I know the bitch that karma can be and I choose not to taunt or tempt her. I will keep my mouth shut. Stop spelling in front of my big brained baby and really just try and be a better person. After all, isn't it my mouth that got me into all of this trouble and not my daughter's big brain or astute hearing skills? But I still would like to know Why did I teach my girl to spell? Next thing you know, she'll be deciphering for her little sister.Happy Mothering!

Things my daughters taught me

I thought this Motherhood gig was all about me shaping, molding, teaching these little , adorable human beings of mine. I knew it would be loads of work; and it is. It is a grueling 24 hour a day job that never stops. I knew (in theory) that was what I was in for but I never expected what I actually got. As tired as I am most days and holding on for dear life to my last string of sanity, I am always amazed. I never expected to learn anything from my children. Come on, everything they know..I taught them,right? Apparently not. I guess I have to relinquish some of the pride in my nurturing because I have to admit, I'm pretty sure there is a lot of nature in it. 

For instance, my 2 year old who is so honest at times that she actually scares me.Many times I have asked her to do something and she will simply say no. Ask her why, she will say because she doesn't want to.In a world full of excuses, this little girl makes none. She is who she is, and that's who she is..Deal with it! It used to annoy me that she would just say no she didn't want to.Let's be honest, us Mommies, we do a lot of things that we don't want to. I know for a fact I don't want to do dishes, fold laundry, cook, run errands, pay bills, keep appointments or obligations but that's my life. That's being an adult, right? The more I think of it, why can't I take a cue from my 2 year old in her infinite wisdom. I mean wouldn't it be the nicer thing to do then to be insulting and come up with ridiculous excuses why you can't do things. I appreciate her honesty and her braveness with her integrity is admirable. When my 2 year old does decide to help you, it is whole hearted and it is selfless and it is beautiful. From my 5 year old, I have learned to be fearless. I know where she gets this, I do remember a time when that was me.Since having my girls, I have become much less reckless and more cautious because every day with them is the most important of my life. My Bella will do whatever it takes to achieve her goals. It doesn't matter if it scares the hell outta her, she will pursue it with a fierceness. There is not much she can't do. In fact, I don't think there is anything that she can't do..if she puts her mind to it. Her spirit is free and her heart is open. She loves with abandon and if you are lucky enough to be one of those who she does love; she will walk through hell to make you happy.

My daughters have reminded me that I can do anything that I set my mind to.They have also reminded me to have integrity and pride. I am embracing love with full abandon. I am learning to be honest with myself, to be fearless and to relish all that life has to offer. They have also taught me that a child's giggle, their little hand in yours, a snuggle, a kiss goodnight, their true smile..can melt your heart and make you feel more vulnerable then you ever thought possible. They have taught me that the world is a beautiful, miraculous place where everything is possible.