The Lump in My Heart Runneth Over

I fully realize this picture is fuzzy but there is something ethereal about & it is very reminiscent of how the weekend felt.

The house lights went down & I was overcome with emotion.I sat there, my 3 year old to my right and her father on the other side of her.We held our breaths.Tchaikovsky started to swell from the orchestra pit and my heart began to swell with pride, as my eyes swelled with tears in anticipation of my little girl's debut performance on the stage as a ballerina.

We know the story of the Nutcracker well.We've been reading it to Bella since she was 3, the year that she started taking ballet.It is a big part of our holiday tradition.This year was different, this year it wasn't just about sitting in the audience and basking in the holiday spirit .This year was momentous.This year, the Nutcracker was one of my Bella's milestones; like first steps, first words, first day of school. Like so many before it and so many that are yet to come, it is that moment that parents find themselves reluctantly and pridefully letting go...just a little, just enough to give you a great big lump in your heart.

So, there I sat with my great big giant lump in my heart, trying to hold it together.Waiting, hoping, not breathing in anticipation of the end of the first act;the moment that my little snowflake would enter stage left. Then it happened, there she was with her white leotard and tutu, wrapped in the glow of the stage light, floating gracefully above the floor like a vision in tulle loveliness. I realize that everyone else was focusing their attentions on the "big" snowflakes ( the more seasoned ballerinas) but my every attention was devoted solely to my little snowflake.Every plies, leap, pirouette that she did, I watched her face to see that she was enjoying every moment of it.After all, isn't that what we live for..those moments of sheer happiness in our child's face. The 5 minutes that she was on stage felt like a lifetime, as I sat there holding my breath and trying to suppress the lump in my heart. Then, it was over. Four months of rehearsals, weeks of anticipation, countless dollars and a few moments of graceful beauty under falling snow; priceless!

We met her backstage with roses, gifts, and enough praise to last her a lifetime but no words could amply convey the pride I felt in my heart. Family and friends came from all over to see our little girl take the stage.I just tried not to cry...too much.I held it together pretty well until the ride home from the theater and then the lump in my heart gave way and burst, overflowing and escaping through my eyes. There I sat, silently, ugly crying feeling the pride and momentum of what had just transpired.The Big Guy sat next to me, pretending not to notice how swept away I was by this occasion. He's learned after 13 years to just be, any interaction or conversation can induce hysterics;hyperventilating, noisy, body shaking ugly crying.

It was a moment she will never forget and neither will the Big Guy and I. It was the first moment our little girl became a real ballerina. It is emblazoned in my mind like the image on my digital camera with the waltz of the snowflakes accompanying it on a never ending loop. What is a moment of overwhelming pride that you have felt for your child? How did you handle the lump in your heart?

Tooth Fairy; You creepy little bastard!

Recently, it seems that my girls are growing up at lightening speed. The phrases that pass their lips, the mannerisms, the reading, the attention to detail in their looks, and especially the observations that they make of the world..blow my mind. Here is one of Bella's gems,as of late.

photo courtesy of google images

Bella recently lost her very first tooth.It was right around Halloween.She was very excited. Her father and I were, let me honest, pretty sad because, you see, this represents her growing up.This is just another first part of letting go.Bet you never knew losing baby teeth had such a deep meaning, did you? Though we may not be thrilled about what it symbolizes, you know we had to make a BIG GIGANTIC deal about it. This is the FIRST tooth.Grandma sent a little satin pillow to place the tooth in and put under my Bella's pillow and there was a little book to record the moment. I snapped pictures and wiped away a tear*sniff,sniff* It happened on a Thursday, in the middle of the night and Bella told me that she wanted to wait for her Daddy to be home, so he could be part of this momentous occasion. Friday comes, the Big Guy is home, while he and I are hushedly discussing the going rate for a first tooth these days and deciding whether or not one of us had to hit the ATM, Bella walks right up to us and delivers this proclamation; "Mommy and Daddy, I don't think I am going to put my tooth under my pillow tonight!" We look at one another bewildered. Did I mention she had been waiting for this tooth to fall out since she started kindergarten and all the other kids were missing teeth? Me:"Why not, sweetie?" Bella:"Well, Mommy, I was thinking about it and its pretty creepy that the tooth fairy comes in the middle of the night and steals my tooth!" I shake my head in agreement. My husband is stifling his laughter because really he is just a giant 10 year old,plus it was pretty freaking funny.She was dead serious! Me:"Well, Bella, the fairy doesn't really steal it. She takes your tooth away and leaves you some money.She buys it!" Bella: "Mommy, I don't think my teeth are for sale!"

photo courtesy of google images

 So the kids got a point. It is a pretty creepy idea of some little freaky tooth obsessed fairy coming into your bedroom, in the middle of the night, and stealing your discarded teeth away.Who does my Bella think is coming? The tooth fairy? Or the Chupacabra? In exchange the fairy leaves the child a little monetary token on their nightstand, like a John would do for his hooker. It's all very seedy. Perhaps, we should have given this story a little more thought. I could not in good conscience argue this point with her.I simply told her : "Bella, you don't have to give your tooth to the tooth fairy tonight.We can just hold on to it and when /if you decide to leave it for the fairy, we can do that too,OK?" Bella looks at me perplexed and then she has a eureka look on her face. Bella: "Mommy, why don't you and Daddy just give me the money and you can keep the tooth!"Uh oh, the jig is up before it even began. I back peddled and told her something about angering the tooth Gods and throwing off the natural balance of the universe or something to that effect(who can remember, I was floundering to save her childhood) and then I quickly exited the room with her innocence in tact.

Whew! What's next? The Easter Bunny? Fairy Godmothers? Santa Claus?Unicorns? Somebody slow down this ride, I want to get off.Where are the brakes? What do you do when your child starts questioning the fictitious people in their lives?

Mommy; The straw that broke the camels back

I pick Bella up from school today.It's Thursday, you know, the day before Friday.The day by which the kids are exhausted from a week of no naps,its been Bella's first week of walking through the big doors and down to class all by herself,  and we're still ,apparently, having issues with her feeling "left out" because kindergartners are still trying to get their bearings.
At pick up, I was talking to one of the other half day Moms about setting a play date.Gabs had fallen asleep on the way and was pretty much out of sorts. Bella mosies up to us and instead of her normal reception of a flurry of kisses from me and Gabs running into her arms down the hallway all movie style like, she had to walk to us because , as I mentioned, Gabs was half asleep and I was in mid sentence.No big deal, right?
Wrong! So wrong. We get into the car and immediately I see the sour puss in the back seat. "What's wrong Bella?"Bella:"Nothing!" You know the nothing that most certainly means something, if not everything. Then she tells me, " Mommy, no one would play with me at recess!" Me: (I'm more than a little frustrated with the situation because this is like the third time in 2 weeks)"Who did you ask?" Bella:"EVERYBODY!!!" Me:"What did they say?"
Bella:"They said they were already playing with somebody and to ask someone else" At this point, I am detecting some very distinct disdain.She continues on hurt and mad; pretty much more upset and pissed off than I have ever seen her. I feel horrible for her. I mean, nobody wants to see their baby have hurt feelings.
We get home. I am really concerned at this point. She is to the point of tears and she is literally fuming. I am pretty sure that at one point I saw smoke emanating from her tiny little ears. She is pacing the house and crying in frustration. She looked like she felt like I did when her sister had colic and I was walking my ass off just to soothe her. You know that at your wits end look? Breaking down ,can't take the humanity anymore look? Yeah,that one.
I keep trying to inquire. She keeps shutting me down. I heard something about wanting to punch someone and feeling left out.Oh and she shouted that she hated school.Not what you want to hear from your kindergartner on her 3rd week.By this point, I am frustrated because her reaction seems out of whack with her personality. So, I question some more. What did they say? Did someone touch you? Did someone hurt you? Who said what? But she is just getting more and more angry.My heart is breaking. I feel totally helpless, but know that there is no way I am letting my baby go to school just to feel belittled and left out. So, I email the teacher to see if she could help me out. I just need a person on the inside who is aware of the situation.I can't stand idly by as my child is being broken down. The teacher emailed me back post haste assuring me that she would address the situation and that it is very common but has not noticed an issue with Bella . But she said she was going to look into it none the less. Thank God. But it wasn't helping me ease Bella's hurt..right now. So, I kept trying to talk to her and she was literally mad at me. Her hurt was turning into anger towards me, probably for making her go there in the first place.Finally, an hour later, she tells me that what really upset her was the fact that I did not kiss and hug her immediately when I saw her. She said she felt like I didn't miss her. Apparently, the kids not playing with her hurt her feelings but the Mommy not covering her in kisses immediately upon seeing her was too much. I was the straw that broke the camels back today.Then, we both ugly cried..really hard for about 3 minutes, and then she took my face in her little hands and said "its OK Mommy. I know you didn't mean it." And I cried a little more and told her that she has to tell me these things because I would NEVER want to be the source of her pain. Then the two of us, looking like two matching red spotted leopards hugged and kissed it out, with Gabs , of course.Instantly, she forgave me and I will NEVER not kiss her and hug her the moment I see her for the rest of my life..even if I am talking to the president of the United States, the Pope, or  Alexander Skarsgard, Sorry boys, my Bella needs to know her Mommy loves her!

How do I love thee, Let me count the ways

Gabs

I love the way you cup my face and kiss me when you are trying to make a sincere apology
I love the way you summons me from across the house only to tell me "Mommy! Close the doah , Me need PIRACY" when you're taking a poop
I love the way you still say "Me" versus"I". I really don't care what anyone thinks. I wouldn't mind if you said it your whole life through
I love that you are sarcastic @ 3 years old. Not jaded, just so above and over it all.
I love your unapologetic attitude
I love your sense of style; rain boots ( the more colorful the better) a hooded pullover and a pair of bootie shorts on any given day of the year and about 13 hair clips and a couple self made crooked pony tails with about a handful of flavored chap stick to polish your look.
I love the way no matter what happens to you, its always your sisters fault..even if she isn't even here!
I love the way you bite your lip just before you fall asleep ( just like Mommy did does)
I love the way when we first had you, you strongly resembled a sumo wrestler ( I wasn't quite sure you were ours except for the fact you never left my room) but now you are a long, lean version of my little kid self.

I love the way when we get back from dropping Bella off from school, you wrap your legs and arms around me tight and always want me to carry you in like a little monkey from the car. I adore it!
I love the way when you are falling asleep, just before you completely crash, you move your lips in some imaginary conversation and practice your Karate kid crane style.
It's also pretty funny that you like to sleep with your feet by your sister's head..I'm pretty sure you do that on purpose to be an asshole but it is really cute to watch.
I love the way you run to your sister and give her the world's biggest squeeze when we pick her up from school. Every drop off is like sending her off to war and every pick up is like she made it home in one piece.
I love that you want to do everything your sister does, even if you are too little.
I love your fearlessness and bravery.
I love that I am your "Mommy" and no one else seems quite good enough to you.
I love the way you randomly shake your bootie and try to get your sister to do the same.
I love that you announce to everyone..."I Faaahhhhh-ted!"
I love the way you always put your shoes on the wrong foot, the first time!
I love that when you are really tired you say " Me want my Daddy!"
I love the way you air kiss me from across any room, no matter where we are or who is listening
There is so much about you that I love that I could write a book about it. You are my sunshine.

Bella

I love your big giant heart.
I love that you love big and do everything in a big way.
I love your flamboyance ( Satine from Moulin Rouge as a Birthday party theme at 5?)
I love your willingness and openness to new experiences and people.
I love how you came into this world and made me a better person for all time.
I love the way you always want to be all girlied up!
I love the way you say say "Shua" for "Sure".
I love that you are timid but so brave.
I love that you befriend the little guy just so they won't be alone.
I love that you are so unaware of your beauty.

I love your passion for life.
I love the way you walk around the house with my high heels and purses pretending to be me ; it makes me feel like I am someone worth being!
I love the way you snuggle with me, even though you are probably starting to think I am a dork:)
I love the way you say my name like I am the most important person in the world.
I love that to you I am the most important person in the world.
I love the way you think about what you say " My Mom is way cuter than me!" (OMG..complete lie but so sweet of her to say. Even more, I love that she believes it!)
I love that you made me a Mommy and let me have the honor of knowing you.
I love the way your Daddy is your rock.
I love that you tell me I am your best friend ( I pray that never changes)
I love the way you light up when you dance ballet.
I love the way you watch over your sister.
I love that although you may not look like me exactly, you have my personality to a t!
I love that when I get excited about something that's going on in my life, you get it and join right in on the celebration.
I love the way you hold my hand when I walk you to school.

I love the way you talk in your sleep about the things of the day.
I love our "Peace out/I love  you" sign.
I love the crazy songs we make up and sing together.
I love the way you harmonize and sing with your uncle while he plays the guitar or piano; I love the way you accompany your Grandpa when he plays Happy Birthday at all family birthday parties.
I love the way you draw pictures of you and I together holding hands.
I love all the girly things we do together; manis/pedis/facials, slumber party/ pizza night.
I love the way you are so blissfully unmarred by the world and exist in pure naivete.
I love that when you get hurt and I ask if you are going to live , you always answer " Just always only with you Mommy!"
I love that you tell me that I am the best Mommy in the world.
I love how when you do something cute or crazy, you immediately ask "Are you going to BLOG about this?"
I love that when we have been separated ,for any amount of time, you run and scream my name and hug my neck like I'm returning home from a long journey and nothing has ever made you happier!
I love how you look so sweet and peaceful when you sleep and I can still see that baby they first placed into my arms.
You are my heart. I love you to the moon and back 27 million times!

My Girls,How do I love thee? There are infinite reasons to count!

Bella-isms

We all know  my girls say the craziest things, especially me 5 year old. Here are 3 from the last 24 hours.Enjoy!
Me(on the phone with my hubby): "I don't know, I think maybe I have PMS."
Bella (my 5 yo)"No, you don't!"
Me:"What? What are you talking about? How do you know for sure its not PMS?"
I am obviously fishing for what the hell exactly she thinks PMS is.
Bella:" Well, you're not coughing and sneezing and all that.SO, its not PMS!"
Me: LMAO!!!! Obviously she thinks PMS is code for a cold. I guess that's what we get for spelling everything in front of her!

A little earlier today we were out shopping. Mommy needs some new shorts because last years are too big (Yey!) of course, as stated in the previous example, it was the worst possible week of the month to try on clothes. Anyways, I've been in a bit of a funk and thought what the hell I need some retail therapy! As I am trying on shorts, 2 sizes smaller than last summers, I am leery if they are going to fit. Eureka, they fit but it depended on the style as to how they fit. I'm trying them on and a little flustered by my water retention. When I hear Bella say, from the corner of the dressing room, "Good luck with that!"
Me: "Good luck with what?" Bella: "Good luck getting those suckers to button!"
OMG,she's like my conscience walking around taunting me. I laughed so hard, there was no way I was getting those suckers buttoned. You just can't suck it in when you're belly laughing.

After the shopping, we hit lunch. My girls love Sonic, I can't, in good conscience, eat it. It's so fattening. But what they really love more than the food itself is the act of eating in the car, the taboo of being released from their car seats and eating freely. So, we compromised and I took them to Wendy's for a cheeseburger and some milk and we ate in the parking lot. Oh, if you only knew how badly I hate that. It's one of those odd pet peeves of mine. It just conjures images in my mind of someone so insatiably hungry and obese that they can't wait til they get home to eat. it just screams weakness.( I know, mole hill into a mountain ).They, on the other hand, were as happy as clams. As we sat there eating, them eating their Wendy's and me my Subway, every thing was perfect. It was a beautiful spring day. We finish and as we are leaving the parking lot, we spy a gentleman in the  drive thru on his bicycle. You know Bella, she was not letting this one go unnoticed.
Bella: "Hey MOm!"
Me: "Yes, Bella?"
Bella: "That guy sure looks special!"
I'm not exactly what she was inferring but the intonation in her voice wreaked of sarcasm. I was pretty afraid to ask. But she said exactly what I was thinking! I've realized she doesn't say crazy  random things, she pretty much just says every single thought I ever have. She is hilarious. Much more hilarious than if I had said it.

                                                         My Bella!