What a Difference a Decade makes

As I sit here on the precipice of a new decade, I can't help but reflect on the past 10 years. Ten years ago, I was celebrating my second New Year's eve as a married woman; the still newly dubbed Mrs. Beck. We were living in North Carolina for the first time ever. I was hundreds of miles from everything and every one I had ever known. My life was changing in leaps and bounds. I was in my mid twenties, starting a new graduate program at a new university, in a new state. It may as well have been a new part of the world. I was working in a new field, doing a job that I had never planned on doing. It was liberating and it was frightening. I was learning new things about myself daily.Up to that point in my life, I hadn't really been living so much as traveling from point A to point B. Suddenly, I was left alone with just the Big Guy and my thoughts in my world. That was the year that I really began to define myself and learn to be not who everyone thought I should be but to become who I really was on the inside, free of any paradigm. It was exhilarating to discover the me buried under the sister, the daughter, the friend. The world was my oyster.Possibilities were endless and all I needed to do was figure out what I wanted to do with all this new found liberation from expectation.





Fast forward, 4 New Years later and we are celebrating our 5th year of marriage in our first home in Tennessee. We were 7 months pregnant with or planning to plan baby, Bella. My belly way burgeoning, my heart was bursting and I just knew in my heart that something astonishing was right around the corner in our lives.You know that feeling of excitement and fear that takes hold of you and then catapults you at lightening speed head first smack dab into the middle of your life? As you stand there looking down the barrel of the impending changes, your heart is racing but you are happy to be hurled. You take one last deep breath, step up to your turn and embrace it with a fervor, whatever may come. That is exactly where I was sitting on that New Years Eve. I had no concept what being a Mommy would feel like, what it would entail and the depth and breadth in which it would genuinely change my existence...the very way that I moved through the world.




 


Fast forward, 2 New Years later,the Big Guy, our then 18 month old Bella and myself sit in our second home... in Indiana. Again, I am sitting with a burgeoning belly and a bursting heart. We are expecting our second child and all is right in the world. What more could I want out of this world? My cup of life overflowed with love. At that moment, I felt like I had everything that I had ever imagined I could need in my life. People spend their entire lives searching for the kind of relationship that the Big Guy and I have together.To me our girls were the living, breathing manifestation of all that love and respect that we have for one another. I sat there, fat and happy to be exactly in that moment.

Fast forward, 3 New Years later, the Big Guy and I are sitting in corporate housing with our two beautiful little girls in Virginia where we had recently moved. Life was chaotic and crazy and spinning a bit out of control.We had just started to adjust to the fact that we were again away from all family and friends with two very small children. We had spent the fall forging a new life for ourselves. Redefining borders and creating relationships with strangers, changing our perspectives and embracing change. We were blessed to have the opportunity to hit reboot even if it was forced upon us. Once again I was forced to take a hard look at myself and decide who I wanted to be in this world.It started an evolution revolution within myself. I began to realize that I had to be the change that I wanted to see in my world.I could either sit back and let life happen to me or I could jump up and make things happen for me.Last New Year set me up for becoming the person I never knew that I always wanted to be. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself, when you are blessed with so much in life. I only needed the moment of quiet change to realize it.

Tonight, a decade of New Years is coming to an end, a lifetime of change has taken place in my life in the last year alone. We, the girls and I, are living back in Indiana.The Big Guy no longer lives at home, due to job location. Luckily for me, we are actually more in love than that first New Years so long ago. He is my anchor in life, he keeps me grounded when I am about to fly off the deep end of reality. I'm his balloon, I lift him up when our circumstances pull him down. Our babies are now 3 and 5. I'm looking at them, as I type, and I can't even believe it myself. They are so beautiful and perfect in the face of such craziness. The last year has not been easy but I think its made us all stronger. We were downsized, relocated, then the Big Guy has been away for the new job.Our lives have been in limbo and hell concurrently but you know what? It's not impossible but its just the hardest thing I've ever done. This year, as difficult and testing as it has been, as much as I would not wish this kind of situation on anyone, it has made me once again aware of my blessings in triplicate. It's given me an opportunity to focus on who I am.Who I want to be in the world. It has made me a stronger person, a more devoted wife, a more aware mother.I've made a lot of mistakes but I've also made a lot of hard decisions that have made our family better.I am a little worn for the wear but now I am focused. I am heading into the next decade with a renewed sense of self, a new determination to succeed, and a greater appreciation for the life and people that I have been blessed with in my life. What a difference a decade has made. I have come full circle and been made better in the journey.Next New year, I will be sitting someplace new but still with these 3 amazing people that I have been fortunate enough to spend the rest of my life with.

How was your past decade?What was the highest and lowest point?What will you do differently in the next decade? Happiest of New Years to you all and your families.

The Boogie Man; he cometh to suck the boogies

I am NOT the Mommy who tells her kid about the Boogie Man. I decided this a long time ago because well, its just a tool parents use to scare their children into behaving well. I know, this coming from the same broad who tells her daughters that magical kneecap breaking elves are sent from Santa to keep a watchful eye over them and report back to the Fat Jolly guy, doesn't make a lot of sense. So, why, you ask, do I draw a line at the "Boogie Man"? Simply because, I tell them monsters are not real and I think they are too young for the whole God/Satan discussion. Therefore, no one is allowed to even joke that the Boogie man is getting anyone in this house. Capiche?

Unfortunately, I had a little slip today. Yes, one of my girls did something ( I can't honestly even remember what it was at this point) and I made the comment that the Boogie man something or other. As soon as I said it, I wanted to eat the words. I wanted to swallow them whole and push them deep down inside my stomach but it was too late. Those 2 words had fell on to the most astute ears of all time, the ears of Gabs. You know like the ides of March but much more dangerous.

What did I do? Well, I don't lie to my children ( well, I don't want to ) so how can I get out of this?I'd said it, she knew it meant something not good, so how the hell was I going to explain it all away? My thought process; Sesame street, Cookie Monster ( big blue friendly dude); Mommy fuck up,Boogie Monster; Crazy invisible guy who comes and eats the boogies of little kids who don't listen. What a train wreck! Clearly, I should have put more thought into this craziness.

I know, its a terrible cover. One day she'll know that the Boogie Man is a synonym for Satan but for now she thinks that the Boogie Monster is an invisible dude who comes around if he hears little girls talking back, fighting, telling their Mommy or sister they hate her, or being generally not good ..its the only time he is even aware of their existence.But if he hears, he'll come and suck all the boogies out of their noses in the middle the night ( sort of like one of those giant bulb suckers which of course, they detest)but ONLY if they are not good.

What white lies have you told your children when caught in a compromising position? How did it work out for you?We're you ever busted? I'm pretty sure this whole boogie monster thing is going to blow up all over my face. It's just a matter of time.Bella listened to my explanation and gave me the "I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure that you're full of crap Mom" look when she heard the whole sordid explanation. Gabs, on the other hand, she's been the best she's been since birth! Bella was pretty good too. She's not taking any chances with Christmas being so close and all.That's my smart cookie!Happy Mothering!

How the Grinch almost Stole Mommy

The holidays for me are usually all warmth and fuzziness, mostly. Don't get me wrong they are chocked full of craziness but right underneath the surface of all the chaos, complete happiness is bubbling its way to the surface and about to spill over. But for some reason, this year things feel... off. It all looks great on paper, we are doing all the things that should be done to make wonderful memories for our girls but for some reason, I don't feel like my heart is in it. I don't feel the bubbly goodness rising to the top as it should be this far into December.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am watching the finances closely since this year has been full of new jobs, relocations and maintaining separate households, which is nothing to speak of the fact that our whole life has been suspended and not quite right with the Big Guy not living here. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with being overwhelmed by the to do lists and not enough time to accomplish the tasks at hand. I have been buried under snow for most of December and there's been no time for shopping, baking, enjoying. Its been a series of appointments and dates. Truly, I feel like my girls are being jipped out of their Christmas. I've been so  caught up in all the obligations that I've been snapping at my girls and firing snark from my mouth like an AK-47.I know on more than one occasion, lately, I've given them the "are you retarded?" look and may have even said something to that effect, but not quite as awful. But the sentiment was there and that is as guilty as saying the words themselves. Thoughts become words and words become actions.Well, even thinking that makes me a really horrible Grinch of a mother, in my book. I don't want to be THAT person.I don't want my girls to think it even fathomable that I could mean such awful words.The thought of them believing that I think they are anything less than amazing or that my love is conditional upon whether or not they are pleasing to me, makes me sick to my stomach.I want to be happy, excited and gay. I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses.

Christmas is not about things to do, places to be or presents to open; Christmas is about love, peace and people.I want my girls to look back on their childhood Christmases and remember the cuddles in front of the fire, spontaneous Christmas cookie baking, making fudge with Daddy, snowball fights, and watching Christmas Movies; staying up late to put cookies out for Santa and going to mass with the whole family.It's firsts snows and snow angels.It's togetherness.It's a series of moments that form a lifetime. I want it to be a feeling in their heart.I want it to be the spirit of something larger than us; of hope, love and joy. I'm clearing out the clutter of my life and my mind and going forth, my only true obligation is going to be to see to it that my girls are happy.Everything else is secondary.  

Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas,
Come this way! Come this way! 

Wordless Wednesday;Picture Day & Autumn in the Midwest

A-Ha Moments, Not just for Oprah anymore!

The other day I had my ultimate Mommy Moment thus far in my life as a Mommy. We all think our A-Ha Mommy moment hits sometime in those first few seconds of exhausted bliss after birth. We spend hours in labor, we are ready to be a Mommy.The baby finally makes its way into the world and they place him/her on our chest all ooey and gooey and we fall in love. Deep, breathtaking love. We are a Mommy.That's it, end of story. That's when we know we have arrived,right?

WRONG! Oh so wrong. I did fall into deep, breathtaking love with each of my girls at the moment they came into the world.Hell, let's be honest I loved them before they were born.It's just the way I am built. Not everyone does and that's OK. I mean, its sort of a shock the way they are thrust into our lives, really. But even with all that giant love oozing out of my heart, not a Mommy Moment does that make. Of course if you have a child you are a mother but what really changed about you, the person? Everything and nothing,all at the same time.It's not a magic wand that instantaneously makes you a "Mommy" There is no apprenticeship, there is no internship, there is no class that immerses you in the reality of a colicky baby, a dirty house, an exhausted brain, and an equally exhausted body. Even if there was a book that told us the honest to God truth, we'd never believe it. The reality is too spectacular. It's one of those things you have to live through, like war, death, and your own birth. On the job training is the only way to experience it.

So, back to the Mommy Moment,the exact moment that you KNEW you had evolved from your old self into a Mommy. Was it the moment you conceived? The moment you locked eyes with your newborn? The first time they smiled at you? The first time they called out Mommy and you realized you were the one they were calling out to? The first time you had to stay awake all night checking a sick child's temperature and didn't mind? The first time you had to soothe tears and hold your baby so tightly to protect them from the pain of the world? Maybe it was the first time you caught a glimpse of your child's face and you saw yourself in them? Perhaps, it was the moment that you realized that a world without them would be one in which you would not want to live? Maybe the moment that you realized they hold your entire heart in their tiny little hands? Maybe it was the moment that you had to issue a punishment or say no to them, even though you wanted to just give them everything their heart desired? Was it the moment that you realized that you needed to be there to pick up the pieces when life had let them down? Maybe it was the second that you realized you were capable of murdering any person large or small who directly or indirectly hurt your child, physically, emotionally, on purpose or accidentally?Was it the moment that you realized that seeing the world through their eyes was better than through your own.Possibly the moment that you realized they were your everything and you wouldn't have it any other way? Or maybe the moment that you realized that  their happiness was more important to you than your own? The moment that you realized how selfless you had become and it didn't feel like a sacrifice or burden.When did you know in your heart, in your soul, that you were a MOMMY?

For me, I've experienced all the  moments from the previous paragraph and hundreds ( maybe thousands) more in the last 5 years. But how I knew I had really become a Mommy.The realization that I had changed and it was about more than breastfeeding, nap times, yoga pants, ponytails, exhaustion and Mommy brain came when I was out with friends on my birthday last month. I was miles away from my children, for the first time ever.I was having a complete blast being  "me".I wasn't obsessing over my girls who were at home with their Grandma, eating chocolate and going to parks, zoos, pretty much anything their hearts desired but they were still with me. Unbeknown to me.But it sneaked out like a silent ninja, that Mommy moment of mine.

Right there on the dance floor at a hip city club, I was surrounded by enthusiastic dancing 20 something year olds.You know, like who I was before I had children. Everybody was dancing and the music was bumping.I was with my sister and my best friend dancing,  just happy to be out. You know the feeling. It was like someone let the crazies out of the asylum for the night. Then it happened, two girls, probably in their early twenties were enthusiastically jumping around on the dance floor and they kept bumping into me. I ignored them at first, after all, they were only trying to have fun on a super crowded dance floor.They had no idea what a momentous occasion this was for me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and it happened. I found myself, whipping around, bending down to make eye contact, pointing with my index finger, and using my seriously stern voice to utter these shameful words, "HEY! You girls better be careful. You are going to knock me down and someone's going to get hurt!"Then I stood straight up and they both, shocked, looked at me and said "Yes, Ma'am!" Then I realized what I had just done. I went Mommy crazy all over their asses. Then I heard them,like my children, giggling behind me. Probably because they couldn't believe what had just transpired.Had I really just scolded them all Nanny style at Nacional 27 on a Saturday night in the middle of the dance floor. I don't blame them.As I heard them giggle, it made me chuckle because 10 years prior it would have been a completely different scenario. I would have turned around, pushed them off me and said something more like,"Watch it, Bitch! " But not tonight, tonight I was a Mommy and I know that it is not something that I do. It is something that I am at my very core, even when my girls are not by my side; they are always with me in my heart, my thoughts, and ( apparently) my actions. Happy Mothering!

Everything in life worth having, I got in college

Yesterday, here in the Midwest, was Sweetest Day. Not familiar with the Hallmark Day? Well, don't feel bad. I believe its only celebrated here in the Midwest. What can we say, we love LOVE! It's basically Valentine Day's little retarded sister.Same idea on a much smaller scale.

All excited for the first road trip in the Jeep

The Big Guy and I decided that yesterday was a perfect day to take the girls back to where it all began... Purdue University. We woke up and spontaneously made the 2+ hour trip south. It was a gorgeous autumn day. The leaves were every shade of amber,yellow, red and brown, the sun was high in the blue sky, and it was perfect sweatshirt and jean weather.

Indiana autumn

It was very exciting for us to be back on campus. We haven't been in about 8 years. We were living in another part of the country and then we had the girls and there's just not been a "right" time to go back. But yesterday morning, it was time. The girls were just excited to go on a road trip in Daddy's new jeep..its very loud and rugged and they think it is awesome.

Daddy and his girls

The place where it all began; September 29,1997

We got to campus and parked so we could go get something to eat at our favorite restaurant. Of course, we hadn't counted on it being Homecoming weekend and Breakfast club still going on at noon.So we couldn't take our girls to our favorite joint for loaded fries because they were still serving alcohol as a bar. We had to explain to my 5 year old why all the college students were running around in costumes ( in case you are not familiar with the term, breakfast club is when you stay up all night drinking then put on your most outrageous costume and continue drinking at 7 am until you pass out.) We wanted to show the girls where we met, Harry's chocolate shop, of course there was a line down the street because of homecoming drinking.

Daddy and the girls @ the engineering mall. His old stomping grounds.

We decided to find a restaurant before we all passed out from malnutrition and were violated by the costumed hooligans:) The littles just thought it was so cool that all the students were dressed up. Of course they were in a state of shock and awe when an over zealous  co ed ran up to them and yelled "BOILER UP!".Bella looked as if he had just cursed her out. Long story short we ate something and showed the girls where all of our favorite memories together were made, where we had lived, where we had classes, where we met, my first all girl dorm as a freshman,where we spent that first long night laying under the stars telling each other everything in the middle of those damn soccer fields, where he asked me to marry him, where he told me he loved me, where our lives changed forever.

Where the Big Guy Proposed January 28,1998

Picking leafs at Purdue

The famous "fountain"

The whole time, my chest was filled with pride to be sharing such a wonderful part of our history with our girls. It felt like being back in our first home as a "we". It also was weird to be in a place that was such a momentous part of my past, standing there holding the hands of our future. It was weird, like the two could not exist simultaneously. At the same time it was amazing to be able to do so. To be able to watch my little girls walk the halls, paths and lie in the grass and touch the trees of the place that made me who I am today was a surreal feeling. To see my little girls in their Boilermaker princess t-shirts or pink polka dotted PURDUE t-shirts, traipsing along the streets that saw me turn into a woman almost brought me to tears. By the end of the day, hearing them yell"Boiler Up" to complete strangers, and for my Bella to say "Mommy, this is the best day ever" as she chomped on Mad Mushroom cheese sticks made my heart happy.

Outside the Liberal arts building; my old stomping grounds

Enjoying the campus

It reminded me of my time in college, starting out as a scared little girl afraid to leave home, thrust onto this huge campus with no one. I met my best friend that year in the dorms.The girl who would become fairy Godmother ( as Bella calls her) to my Bella, maid of honor in my wedding, my greatest ally in life aside from the Big Guy. She is the friend who is so close we are sisters.She is the friend who knows all of my flaws and secrets and still loves me. I  never have to be anything other than myself around her. We are so close that her family is mine and mine is hers. So close that my happiness is her joy and my sadness causes her to cry and I am the same for her.That was just the first year of college.

My girl in the same spot I took my first ever picture on campus on Move in day , freshman year!

Duhme darlings, baby!

 

My best friend, my sister, "hermanita".

A time passed by I became the woman I was always supposed to be. I grew from a child who wanted and did childish things to a woman. College was where I loved, grew, cried, laughed, and learned to sort out who and what was really important to me.And then it was the place where I met the greatest love of my life, the love of my life. It was where I learned what it meant to be all in.Its where I learned that love is not about who is in control, who has the most power or what you look like, its about giving your heart over to someone and knowing that they will take care of it and guard it with their life. It's where I learned that beauty is only skin deep and first impressions are not always right. It's where I learned that anything worth having is worth taking big risks for and going for it. Purdue is where I finally met "ME".

I'm sure the girls did enjoy the day on campus but they will never know what this first trip with them meant to me and the Big Guy. I looked at him and saw the awkward, long and lanky alternative boy with the bleached blond hair and blue tips sporting an eyebrow ring that I had met at Harry's. I'm sure he saw the spunky coed who was thin as a rail but could throw back the drinks with the frat boys.That girl who was fearless and carefree. The girl who would stay up all night lying in a field watching the stars and talking about our pasts and future all in that first night. I liked how that made me feel. Being back there was like coming full circle and I can't wait to do it over and over again. Everything in my life worth having, began on that campus. It was the beginning to the biggest journey of my life and I think that makes it pretty much a sacred place for me. Sometimes the sweetest day of all is just stepping back, taking a deep breath , remembering where it all began and enjoying what you have accomplished in this life.

My heart will always be in West Lafayette!

My baby walking my old path to class ( also the same path to the Big Guy's house:)

The wonderment that began at Purdue! Thank you Purdue for the most amazing memories and beginning to my lifetime!

BOILER UP, BABY!