Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Nestled in between the Rock and the Hard place

The last few days, life has been weighing on me like a ton of bricks. I've been somewhat of an emotional wreck.I'm feeling as if I am falling short..in every avenue.

I have become accustomed to the weight of the world pushing down on my shoulders like a spring about to be sprung at anytime. This I am used to but  kept telling myself.."I" can do this. It's only  for a few more months. I can hold it together.If the Big Guy can go away to support his family, leave his home and his children..I can do this. I am afforded the luxury of staying in my own home with our little family by my side. Sure the silence after they go to bed is deafening and sometimes heartbreaking, but it is the least I can do.I owe it to 'Us' to be able to do this.Of course, I have my occasional breakdowns and find myself having a nice long, ugly cry over some seemingly innocuous incident. But then I move on and I am free of the pressure for a little while.

But I forgot about one vital piece of information...them. More important than can I do this, can they do this.

Bella had a terrible time last year when this all began.She had to leave her preschool with all her friends, her teacher, her life.Then when the Big Guy had to leave this past spring again, she was a wreck.He had to leave the day before her 5th birthday. An angry, displaced, overwhelmed little basket of nerves. I understood. I gave her some time and space. I was there with hugs and consolation. I was there overflowing with understanding and love.Always standing by with love. I never want them to feel a lack of love because of the lack of people around to give it. It broke my heart to watch her have to go through this at such a young age. To feel such misery and discombobulation is awful for anyone to experience. Eventually, the anger subsided. She grew up..too much and too fast because she was forced to accept the situation and learn to live with it.This breaks my heart to know that she has lost some of her innocence about the world because of money. I hate to see my children want for anything, especially when it is their Daddy, whom they really do hang the moon on.

There was one person who was silent through it all, my Gabs. Gabs is 3 and this situation with the Big Guy having to be gone, for work, has been going on since right around the time she turned 2.She was just a baby, really. So, I never considered how it would affect her. I don't think I even put her into the equation because she was so small. However now, she is 3 and a half and she has found her voice.She notices everything and she has an opinion.The last 8 months have consisted of me being here with my girls trying to figure it all out, the Big Guy being gone, on his own,alone.It's been Christmas Fridays and funeral Sunday nights left standing on the stoop, while watching  through tear filled eyes as my girls run down the road waving bye to their Daddy;screaming "I love you" at the top of their lungs. It's been Sunday nights filled with meltdowns of little girls missing their Daddy. Its been week nights of soothing little broken hearts calling out for their Daddy. It's been hard all the way around. Lately, Gabs has been acting out.She cries for her Daddy almost nightly and she tells me on a regular basis that she hates me and quite frequently can be heard asking "You hate me, don't you?" I know that she doesn't hate me but lately her question has been cutting like a knife through my soul. She wants her Daddy and I am beginning to wonder if she doesn't think I am punishing her by not being together. Does she think I have control of this situation? In her little mind, does she think I have willingly chosen to keep us all apart?

It's almost too much for my heart to bear.The rock and the hard place that I am nestled between is this; Bella is finally comfortable in school ( after being yanked out of her school in Virginia last year) and has finally made friends after the alienation episode at the beginning of this semester. I feel like I owe it to her to make life as normal as possible. After all , she is the child and I am her parent so I need to sacrifice to do what is best for her. That has been the plan since we first pulled this nasty trick on her. The Big Guy and I agreed to sacrifice so that the kids could remain in  their home, their city, until the end of the school year..to give them security and stability. It's been incredibly difficult but it seemed to be what was best.

Now,little Gabs is begging me to move us to be with the Big Guy; crying nightly, angry, confused, melancholy and still so small. What do I do? How do I choose? One scenario I pull Bella out, once again, and she has to start over..yet again. That doesn't seem fair. But then on the other hand, Gabs only wants to be with her father.Its such a simple request and a luxury that all children ,with two happily married people,should be afforded.But even this simple request, I can't provide for the little people that I love more than life itself.This weighs heavily on my soul.Am I making the right choice? How can I choose one of my children's happiness over the other? What are going to be the ramifications of these choices we are making today for our children down the line?Am I damaging my little ones?

So, here I sit alone in the quiet reevaluating every decision that I have made since the beginning of this entire situation.The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. It started with goodbye on a Sunday night, the girls started crying and they wore down the armor around my heart.And I haven't been able to regain my strength and stability, the weight of their little breaking hearts has knocked me off of my feet.Today has been a succession of crying over movies, tv shows, Gabs telling me that she hates me, and a bedtime reading of Love You Forever. I feel like a fragile ball of exposed nerves  roaming free in the world. I am exhausted from the gravity of this whole ordeal. For now, I'll pull my armor back on and regain my balance, for my girls. But I have to do some very serious soul searching. We think we are giving our children everything they could hope for but in the end, it boils down to what everything is to our children. For my girls, everything is a good night hug from their Daddy. It is priceless. How do I choose who deserves to be happiest? How do I tell one that their needs has to be put aside for the others?


  1. Keeping you in my prayers and hoping all gets better for you soon.
    Hugs and blessings,

  2. @ Jill,
    Thanks. I feel like such a complainer, but I have to write it down and get it out or it weighs on me too much!Thanks for the hugs and the blessings, both are greatly appreciated.

  3. This is what blogging is for ... to get it all out so it doesn't weigh you down. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I have a semi-clue what you're going through, but I've been the one who has had to leave for work. It's just a few days at a time, but it's hard. And my daughter is not even a year yet. I have no idea what I'll do when she can verbalize that she doesn't want me to go. Keep strong. We're praying for you!

  4. Love this:
    We think we are giving our children everything they could hope for but in the end, it boils down to what everything is to our children.

    Soo true.
    Can you sit them down and talk about it as a family. Maybe Bella would want to change schools so she could be with her dad too? I don't know, I would just sit everyone down and have a LONG talk.

  5. @Jenn,

    Thanks sweetie. I'm sure it is hard leaving or staying, either way its a hard choice. You are in my prayers as well. I know the Mommy guilt well and I know it attacks when we least expect it. It is a very difficult thing to do, especially when you are trying to do what is right for the family.At least I know there is an end in sight, I just have to make it to that point. It's just really hard when you have a little one who is so upset and confused and all you want to do is make it all better.Unfortunately, its not like a booboo. I can't just kiss it away, though how I wish I could:(

  6. @ that one girl,
    I was just thinking the same thing...about talking to Bella and seeing if she is willing to move. I know it sounds crazy to let a 5 year old make the decision but she was greatly affected by the move last year.I don't think its fair to uproot her again.But if she wants to go...I would certainly go. I've mentioned it in passing and though she misses her Daddy, she had a hard time at the beginning of school and has recently made friends and feels comfortable.She knows next year she will be moving again but doesn't seem to be interested in doing so before then. Thanks for the suggestion:)

  7. dear, honey - that's a VERY hard place to be. you can't choose. so someone has to give a little. it's almost always mommy who hurts the most.

  8. I wish I could give you a big, huge hug. You have a way of making me feel your pain through your words. I now this is so hard. You're an amazing woman and mama. Virtual hugs.

  9. I can't imagine how you feel having to make such a decision. But in regards to the idea of letting your child decide...be careful. This is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't decisions. Living with the consequence of such a decision may be too much for her little heart to bear. In time she will understand whatever you decide. I'm new to your blog but you sound very strong. I hope things work out as beautifully as you deserve!

  10. Oh my sweet dear!!! I'm so sorry! i wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I don't. All I've got for you is that I'm here if you ever want to tweet/text away the sad :(


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