Throat Punch Thursday; The "Dad, Momma's feeding junior bugs again" edition

 Welcome to Throat Punch Thursday my friends. Well, this weeks choice was fairly easy being all the bullshit that surrounds this hot mess. YOU know what I'm referring to, come on. What would make you madder than running out of diapers in the middle of the night? Finding beetle larva in your baby's Similac, you say? What would make you even madder than finding out live on The Bachelor that you were NOT the one he chose, after you were led to believe that you were ?( sorry, its late I couldn't think of any other analogy)How would you feel about trying to contact Similac to see if your formula lot number was recalled and not being able to ever access a human being? Just one more reason for la Leche League to yammer on about the breast being best. There is usually not a whole lot of bug contamination in your Momma's boobies. I tried the whole boobie thing, it worked for about 6 weeks, I never made enough milk and I had to supplement the entire time with....SIMILAC!

I would be irate if I had a newborn and found out that they could possibly be ingesting bug parts. Imagine it being your first newborn and learning this. OMG,it would have sent me into a stark raving fit of lunacy. Seriously, they wouldn't have had to worried about my calls. I would have had my crazy ass in the car. Oh yeah, I'd have no problem finding out where they were located or how to get there..I'm computer savvy and internet learned.

On Wednesday, Abbott Laboratories issued a recall of about 5 million cans of certain Similac-brand powdered infant formula, due to the possible presence of beetle larva. Did you read that..5 MILLION cans!

If ingested, the FDA said that this type of beetle could cause discomfort and irritate the gastrointestinal tract, making infants lose their appetite. Well, no shit! Umm, my second child was colicky from dairy formula..can you imagine if had beetle larva in it what it would do to a colicky kid? That's reason enough to take their heads of with a Throat punch. This may be more serious than a Throat punch, maybe a  full on decapitation? The more I recall the days of walking in the middle of the night with no sleep due to colic, I say yes..beheading may be the way to go. Lets make that throat punch count!

Following the recall, Abbott (ABT, Fortune 500) established a 24/7 phone hotline and directed consumers to a website for more information, including the product lot numbers affected by the recall. Repeated attempts to access both services by CNNMoney have been mostly unsuccessful. No shit, what are they going to do answer the phone,get screamed at and say, "Hi, Similac speaking. Sorry about the bugs we fed to your perfect little newborn. Hope he does't turn into the fly.OOPS! Gotta go!"

My Throat Punch is most certainly going to Abbot Industries for not only their beetle larva ( SKEEVE) but even more so because they are not available to give these parents some damn  counsel. So they are the lovely recipients of not 1 but 2 Throat Punches, 1 for the bugs and 1 for the awful customer service. Now come here so I can feed you a nice warm glass of beetle parts.

Here's the number if you need more information..You can call it but they probably won't answer. My suggestion, if you have Similac lying around, just throw it out!EWWWW

For information on the recall, Abbott said that parents and caregivers can go to www.similac.com/recall10 or call Abbott's consumer hotline, (800) 986-8850, for more information.
 

Throat Punch Thursday: Cigarettes for Babies Edition

When I saw this footage, I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. Surely, it had to be a joke. Some trick of the camera. A little person disguised as a a baby. There's no way, I thought, that some moronic mental dwarf would actually not only allow but introduce and support the nicotine habit of a baby. You heard me right! The Daddy of this toddler introduced the kid to cigarettes. Hey, dude remember the stupid Mom who took the picture of her kid with the bong? She is nothing compared to the idiocy of this Dad. What did he think? It was cute? Funny? Sure, real cute and funny when your baby ( still on a bottle as you can see from the video..I guess he graduated from breast milk the moment he started smoking) is dying of lung cancer. This kid now has a  40 cigarette a day habit! That is ridiculous!

Today it was reported via CNN, that two-year-old Ardi Rizal of South Sumatra, who reportedly smoked 40 cigarettes a day, has broken his nicotine addiction through a 30-day rehabilitation program, according to the Jakarta Globe  Thursday. Well, Thank God and the Sumatran version of DCFS for that small miracle!

"He has stopped smoking and doesn't ask for cigarettes anymore," Arist Merdeka Sirait, chairman of Indonesia's National Commission on Child Protection, said, according to another publication, Earth Times.According to earlier reports, the child was placed in state custody after the video emerged and the boy’s parents said he would cry and throw tantrums if he went too long without smoking a cigarette. Well, shit, I wouldn't want them to put themselves out by having to actually look after the well being of their baby. You know how annoying those damn tantrums can get. Just give the kid a cigarette and shut him up, who cares if it kills him at least his crying won't interrupt their good time. You know the one they are having using their kid as a parlor trick to show to the local villagers.

 It was reported that heavy smoking appeared to have caused the boy’s brain to shrink and could cause other health problems later, Sirait said, according to Earth Times. NO, really? You mean giving cigarettes to a baby is bad for them? I'd say the second hand smoke has caused some brain damage to his parents as well.

"He needs to be in a smoking-free environment so that he doesn't start smoking again," Sirait said. Really? You don't say? So who leaves the hut? Him? Or his asshole Daddy who got him hooked on the cigs in the first place? I say they send Daddy to jail and that solves the problem of no smoking around junior.

Anti-smoking advocates say Indonesia’s tobacco industry markets its products to children, according to the Globe. What can I say, they need to be throat punched along with little chunky Ardi's parents. Are they actively trying to kill off their children in Indonesia? Any moron that thinks its funny, cool, acceptable to poison a child for money or a laugh, most certainly deserves the coveted Thursday THROAT PUNCH! Come here Indonesian tobacco company and stupid moronic Daddy, I got a couple hot, smokey Throat Punches with your name on it!

Throat Punch Thursday;Bring it on , You Skanky Bitch edition

We've been traveling and out of sorts but we are back and we're bringing the Throat Punch with us! This week's throat punch goes to the nameless trash bag of a PREGNANT Mother who I spied puffing away on a cancer stick as my children and I walked out of the zoo on Tuesday. I really am not for Mommies smoking in general because I just feel like most who do it, end up at one time or another smoking around their children ( i.e. rolled up windows in a small car) and exposing them to carcinogens. But in the end, that is that Mommies issue to deal with. Her cross to bear if you will. I would never do it. I was never a "smoker" but I have smoked in the past, as a drunken college student ( haven't we all?). But after I had kids, my whole perspective changed and I can't even stand the smell. If grown ups want to do it, it's their business. But when children, any child is unwillingly exposed, it eats at my soul. It seriously makes me crazy. It's a personal issue for me because my own Mom smoked when she was pregnant with me  ( apparently that was way back in prehistoric times before Moms knew any better and it was "cool" to smoke, turn your teeth yellow and smell really bad...or so that's what my Mom has told me.) No , I am not bitter...well, maybe I am a little. I was 2 months early and was somewhere around 4 lbs. so yeah, I think it affected me. So, when I see a Mom smoking it annoys me but when I see a PREGNANT Mother-to-be smoking while the baby is still in utero, well, I think that is a crime. I think she should be arrested. I think it is my civic duty to snatch that cigarette out of her mouth, stomp it out, and maybe even slap the tar out of her. I know, its opinionated but that's how strongly I feel against smoking while pregnant. I wasn't afforded the luxury of confronting this woman because I was with my children and on a play date. I don't think my friend, the other Mother, would have appreciated my flavor of crazy that I wanted to unleash on this mentally challenged Mother-to-be...let's just call her a mental midget,(challenged seems to be giving her too much credit). This weeks theoretical Throat punch goes to the stupid ass , trash bag Mom in the bright lime green t-shirt in front of my zoo smoking her cancer stick by all the children. I would really have liked to have issued the throat punch in real life but its against my better judgment to throat punch a pregnant woman, even if she doesn't care about the health of her own baby. Someone has to look out for that baby. Hey DCFS, I have a real winner for you. Just look for the puff of smoke and the bright lime green t-shirt!

Throat Punch Thursday: Hot as hell edition

Throat Punch Thursday, obviously its a day late this week. As most of you know, being a Daddy's away insomniac , I normally do my posts at 2  in the morning for the day. Last night, I was( still am) out of town ( yet again)  and by some freak of nature my husband and  I were in the same place at the same time..with a ready and willing Mother in Law to babysit.So,I hope you all can forgive me for being a day late but it was between posting my Throat Punch or snuggling with my husband. I chose to snuggle:) But here is the Throat Punch...

This weeks throat punch goes to the ridiculous heat wave that has been hitting the midwest over the past couple of weeks. I don't so much mind the heat as this awful , God forsaken humidity. What is that all about? How am I supposed to maintain my composure and good looks when I am literally melting. I put on make up, it melts. I put on deodorant..it melts. I take a shower..I sweat before the water has even dried off. I know, sexy , right?  I'm all for being a HOT Mommy but not a hot, sweaty Mommy!The humidity is making me retain water. And to top it off, the only thing not melting is my hair. Which I spend an hour a day making look like this

only to walk outside and have it immediatley turn into this

 But really, lets be honest..it more like this

So, 94 degrees that feels like 104 degrees, thanks for making me look and feel so beautiful. I especially love the PMS like heat induced sunshiney attitude that the heat has triggered; my family thanks you to.So I am going to put the sunshiney attitude to good use and throat punch the effing heat wave! Thanks for nothing. I always wanted to look like a fat hooker in a church with really bad hair!Happy Friday!

Throat Punch Thursday; Apparently Somebody's high edition

Well, this weeks Throat punch goes to the Mommy in Florida who thought it would be cute to post this picture.

I am not an idiot. I am assuming this girl ( she is 19) thought this picture would be funny. I mean who hasn't posed their 11 month old with something totally inappropriate, a thong on their head, an empty beer can, a BONG and snapped a photo for posterity. I think we are all guilty of one three a few of these ourselves. I'd say probably not drug paraphernalia. I mean, who has this stuff lying around the house when they have kids? Oh yeah, crack heads, that's who. I forgot.My bad.
Lets face it, most of us are guilty of taking embarrassing photos of our kids that may later mortify them . But this mental midget Mommy won the prize when she , in all of her brilliance, decided that it would be a great idea to post said picture( with illegal paraphernalia in it , no less)  on Facebook. Oh yes, she is a smart one.

Eventually, the photo fell into the hands of the Florida Dept. of Children and Families which is now in the process of drug testing both the mother and the baby, says Sky News. Can you imagine having them test your baby for pot? I wonder how they got that little guy to pee in the cup?Maybe they coaxed him with Cheerios?NO? Maybe Goldfish? NO? Maybe crack?

John Harrell the spokesperson for the group told Sky News, "We are alarmed that any parent would take pictures of their child next to what is obviously drug paraphernalia." It's like she just didn't use her little dwarfed brain in the least.

The unnamed mother has come forward and stated to Sky News via Facebook, "If u look at the picture u can see that there is no bowl in the TABACCO [sic] pipe...I would never ever ever let him get high."
Oh, well thank God for that. Obviously its OK, since there was no weed in the pipe. I wonder, does she think that marijuana is legal? Maybe on her planet it is.

If drugs were used by or found near the baby, she could face serious charges, including losing her 11-month-old son to the state of Florida. I think this would be a good plan. She belongs in a parenting class along with the award winning broad whose kid almost got hit by the bus in the middle of the night. Maybe next time she wants a "funny" picture she can pose him with a machete? Or perhaps a nine millimeter?

The moral of the story is drugs are bad, they cause you to do stupid things and use bad judgment..like posting pictures of you baby on FB holding a bong; alerting an otherwise oblivious DCFS about your crack-headed ways. I don't think this baby was actually getting high, I'm not an idiot. I am, however, sure that Mommy was. But what I am really concerned about it that his chubby little finger may get lodged in the side there and be stuck forever! What if it broke and cut the poor baby? Bad Mommy..you get the Throat Punch this week for being broken in the brains department and potentially harming that adorable little boy. Actually, I think I should give a roundhouse to that bong to keep Mommy and baby out of trouble!

Throat Punch Thursday; Taking it up the rear edition

Disclaimer: Dear readers if anyone is easily offended, faint of heart, or just doesn't like opinionated, foul language laced, bad behavior please step away from this post. Please do not walk....run! I love you all and do not want to offend.Be warned, some opinions stated within may be alarming and may even crush your dreams and ideas....forever.

As I am sure you are all very aware, the whole Gulf oil spill situation has gotten completely out of hand. I know there have been other spills all over the world. I am not so naive as to not recognize that big oil companies have been doing this shit all over the world. It's just a little more damn apparent when it is in our own backyard or ocean, as the case may be.I don't know about you, but I am starting to feel like the American people are getting all kinds of lip service and then..BAM, bend over bitch..right up the rear! No warning, no bargaining, no KY just BAM!!! Last week I had to give the weekly throat punch to  Hayward and Obama. This week, after hearing the incredulous bullshit that fell out of our President's mouth. I had to give it to him and him alone.He can take his throat punch all by himself. Why, You ask? Well, it had something to do with  this and a lot to do with this: "I have established a National Commission to understand the causes of this disaster and offer recommendations on what additional safety and environmental standards we need to put in place." A fucking commission!I don't know about you but I'm feeling condescended to lately. It's like a parent trying to pacify a child in mid tantrum, saying anything ( basically a whole lot of nothing) just to calm them down with no intention of keeping whatever crazy promise they made to get the damn crazy kid to shut the hell up in Target! What the fuck is there to understand? It's been explained to death. Were you not paying attention? Are you deaf? BP is a bunch of fucking assholes who cut corners, they blew some shit up, killed 11 people (immediately), who knows the true extent of the collateral damage, there is oil rushing into the Gulf and strangling all of the creatures of the ocean, people's livelihoods are being ruined, and the planet is generally being destroyed...oh yeah and YOU are sitting on your ass watching it all happen!Understand? There, you don't need any damn commission I just recapped. Give me the commission money, better yet..give it to the GULF and clean it the fuck up NOW !! HURRY UP!!! Now, go eat some more of that Gulf seafood that you were trying to get your constituents to eat. ABout that, what are you Jim Jones? Is Gulf Seafood the American people's Kool aid? Jumpin Jehosephat, are you fucking retarded? No offense to any retarded people who may be reading this!
So, I am once again bestowing my special edition Doc Marten wearing roundhouse kick to your throat, face ,and testicles to the ONLY fucking idiot who can not figure this shit out! Dude, I was your biggest fan and now I have to hang my head in shame. I am ridiculed by all those who love me because of my poor choices at election time. I was so proud, so boastful and now shame! Thanks a LOT!!!! I can feel it, they are coming to revoke my Political scientist credentials because of this faux pas.Shit man, we put our faith in you and you have abandoned us. Yes we can....The question is , CAN YOU?

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming! Happy Mothering!

Throat Punch Thursday; THis time its personal

Look closely at the picture, recognize anybody? Yeah, that would be me ( not really) but figuratively I belong right in front of that dang kangaroo's right hook or maybe he's trying to choke me out. I'm not sure but after this week, either way....I deserve it!
Yes, I am awarding, none other than, myself the coveted award.Sorry Ladies, you can't have it this week.  Why, you ask yourself. Well, it has something to do with the fact that its 10 pm and my girls are still up ( bad parenting 101) and a lot more to do with this....

Yes, Ladies, to my disgust and shame that is my garage. Fool that I am , I thought it would be a good idea to participate in the neighborhood garage sale ( you know in the spirit of cleansing and moving forward and not backward..blahblahblah..my new mantra). What an idiot I was. Did I mention I just took the picture and the sale is in the morning at around 8 am. This neighborhood sale is no joke..strictly for professionals. I am totally an amateur at this, to say the least. While in my garage pricing merchandise, I had buyers casing my garage as they walked their dogs through our neighborhood ( yeah, they don't live here). So, that means tomorrow there will be people ready to buy at about 7:55 am and this is the state my garage is in. Nothing is on tables, nothing is hung, I'm stressing out, the kids are running wild.Again, did I mention its almost 11 pm and they are still stirring. I'd better check, don't want to be like the winner of last weeks Worst Mom Ever award . Nope the girls are still in their my bed. ( yeah, that's an entirely different post for another night). Oh well, I will get it together in the morning . I do my best work under stress, its a fact! So, this week I am giving myself a nice long punch directly to the throat, with any luck it will render me unconscious and I will get to bed at a reasonable time and be functional at 6 am when I need have to be up to prep the joint for the  lovely vultures customers. Here's hoping I can raise the money to buy the girls one of those giant inflatable water slide thingys...I've heard those suckers really tucker the kids out. So, you see, it would really be a gift for Mama!That is if Grandma doesn't take them and buy out all the neighbors junk, leaving me no room to house the giant water slide. Grandma likes to replenish me for next years sale. Happy Mothering!

Throat Punch Thursday: Mean Girl Edition

Well, there is an abundance of candidates this week for Throat punch Thursday, as you can see from my previous CNN streaming posts. Apparently, the world is coming to an end with all these maniacs on the loose. I really was a tortured soul trying to decide who was the biggest douche bag this week and deserved the coveted and well deserved throat punch. You know the Lopez family who brutalized that little 5 month old? Well, they were the forerunner. I really thought they had it in the bag. Then ,something more personal came along.You see, in the right hand column of my blog I post the blogs that I personally love. These are not just blogs that follow me or that giveaway the best prizes, no these gals are my support system. They are who I turn to when I need understanding, a good laugh, wit, but mostly sisterhood. Other Mommies who I can relate to and are pretty damn good writers as well. That's why I feature them in that column under the header "BLOGS I LOVE". They exemplify sisterhood and what Motherhood is really about... being able to laugh at yourself and enjoying the journey, all the while letting other Mommies know they are not alone in this craziness and that its ok to be human. We all write our blogs for different reasons; for some its just to chronicle their childrens lives, some its  a business opportunity a way to feel useful and contribute to the family finances, for some its catharsis, some its for sisterhood, for some its to expand their writing horizons and for others its for all of thee above. No matter the reason, they are sharing their lives. WE share our successes and our stumbles so that others may know that they are not alone and being imperfect is all a part of being a good parent. We offer the most precious thing we have to offer, we give ourselves. It's humbling and freeing. When the feedback is good, we feel amazing and when it is bad,we take it personally. No grudges, normally, but it still stings the soul just a bit. There are ways to do things without being an asshole. You know what I mean. A backhanded compliment is always better than a "YOU SUCK!" It's rude, even if you're not trying to be. My point being the winner of the Throat Punch goes to the reader who commented on a fellow bloggers site and told her "Not to be Rude" ( that's never good) then the comment went on to state  that the blog isn't up to the standard it used to be and this person is concerned that she is going to lose followers.Wow! When did we get the blog police? Or maybe she is just a concerned citizen making a citizens blog arrest. If the lady really cared maybe she should have asked."Are you OK? From your blog, I know you've been sick and so has your child. Feel better!" But to kick someone when they are so obviously already not feeling well, that's big time douchery in my book! To make it even worse, the commenter doesn't even have her own blog. So, she has no idea what it takes to maintain a blog. She probably isn't even a Mom, explaining why she has no tolerance for a busy Mommy with a sick baby! I know that when we open our lives up to people in our blogs we are inviting them in. It's like"Hey come on in, have a seat , lets drink some coffee ( or wine) and have a chat!" It's pretty rude, when they come in and throw the coffee in your face, flip the table and say "What a dirty house! Can't you get up off your lazy ass and clean once in awhile!" Not to be rude, but I'm just saying! So, this weeks Throat Punch goes to the anonymous reader who left the shitty comment for the sick Mommy blogger( the operative world being Mommy. I mean how much do we have on our plates just raising our little pieces of perfection. Do we really need to be insulted that we are dropping the ball elsewhere?)! Shame on you! Now, come over here so I can punch you in the throat!

MY First EVER....Throat Punch Thursday

So, all week, I have been waiting for Throat Punch Thursday because, let's face it, I've had a crappy week and I had a ton of shit to complain about..PMS will do that ya know? There was so much I wanted to punch in the throat. Then today, asshole that life can sometimes be, the sun comes out and life is all diamonds and ice cream ( yeah, its my own new saying..watch everyone will be saying it soon). I mean seriously, the day that I actually need to have a throat punch delivered life plays a happy joke on me. My husband is coming home in the morning..yey! SO, I can't throat punch him. My girls were super  awesome ( probably because I wasn't being a raging bitch), so couldn't would absolutely NEVER throat Punch them. I actually get to have a real life, honest to goodness Anniversary date with my husband this weekend, complete with fancy restaurant, movie  and drinks ( MIL is coming to sit, so I can stay out and play in peace!) Certainly, NO throat punch there. Then I looked in the mirror and much to my OMG WTF! chagrin, seems I have spontaneously developed a bindi smack dab in the center of my forehead! Can I throat punch a pimple Bindi? Seriously, the weekend of my first date alone with my husband in what seems like a hundred years but is actually more like 5 ( still...a very long time). Where's that little bastards throat? I'm punching...and then I  am snapping a photo for posterity's sake! Take that blemish, you bastard!

 

Crap!! So, I was trying to look up a photo of a bindi or a pimple to illustrate my point about my blemish when I came across this photo of Bindi and Steve Irwin. Buzz kill. I have a new candidate for a throat punch, pimple step aside, the damn Stingray that killed the Crocodile hunter. It's gotta be a hard one, its 4 years too late but it still breaks my heart. My Bella has always loved the Wiggles Safari video, as does her lil sis Gabs, and every single time I see that crocodile hunter....I want to cry. So, new plan..I'm throat punching the damn stingray who iced the Crocodile hunter. What a cheeky bastard to do some dirty shit like kill a kids hero! Bindi, this ones for you! Truthful Mommy's going to throat punch the crap outta that stingray and maybe Elizabeth Hasselbeck too ( just because she really friggin annoys me!)