Regardless, I am starting to feel like maybe I am resembling Ruby minus the red hair add the Monica!
So, what do you do when you feel frumpy? Lumpy? Gross? I'm pretty much sick to death of excuses..you know.... the ones I tell myself. Believe me, there are a thousand and 1 'reasons' why I am a chunk but the real answer is...I'm not making myself a priority. I put everyone else's needs above mine. I've tried once, last year, to take the bull by the horns..and it really made a difference. I made myself a priority in my own life and I actually felt 'human', like I deserved to have time alone to mentally recoup and workout, to take the time needed to be a better me which made me a better Wife and Mommy. I spent time with my friends. I enjoyed life and felt like I was being a positive role model for my girls. I always conjure the image of turning into Gilbert Grape's Mom, and how that effected her kids. Yes, I know..I am extreme!
Of course, these things snow ball. I was on track, lost 25 lbs...the right way by exercise and portion control. I was over the moon and feeling like for once, I was in control. Sure, I'd lost weight before but I cheated. I'd either completely starve myself or I would eat a little and barf it all up. It worked, though I'm pretty lucky I have any teeth left in my head, that I didn't have a heart attack, and that my esophagus survived the 8 year ordeal( Disclaimer: I stopped this behavior when I got engaged for fear my beloved would have dropped me like a hot potato if he had learned about that particular puke flavor of crazy. I did tell him about it....after I'd stopped. We've been married for 11 years, you do the math. Just didn't want you all to be worried I was running off to the lieu barfing between key strokes). But last fall, my birthday present to myself was "ME". Then over the holidays life happened, we had to move ( again), I lost my workout buddy ( my biggest cheerleader, my friend), my whole life was up-heaved and then I was stressed about money and our livelihood in general. Add to that my husband being away, the stress of being here all week with the girls while my husband is often out of town, and the uncertainty of it all. It completely threw me off of my "me" game. Now, I feel like such a loser and not like the BIGGEST LOSER in a good way but like an idiot who had the keys to the kingdom and lost them. You know, sorta like poor Kirstie Alley!
I guess, I have to start prioritizing "me" again. If I don't, who will? It's my journey and no one else can take it for me. But my girls are eyewitnesses to my journey, their legacy....and I want it to be one worthy of them; deserving of me! I have to make an effort, make a schedule, make a list, sacrifice some sleep..whatever it takes! Because I know, I can not be happy feeling like this. I know that nobody's perfect but right now I am not even close to being the best me that I can be. And I really feel like I need to be the best "ME" for me so that I can be a better "ME" for my girls. I want to show them to make themselves a priority! I want to show them what a happy,healthy, fulfilled person looks like! I want to teach them by example what it is like to feel comfortable in your own skin and to love your body and yourself. I want to show them to demand the same of everyone they know, because they are worth it. I want to show them..not tell them! So, please human melting heat go away; I can no longer take the cure! I need exercise, will power, a walking buddy, maybe a program and possibly a therapist..STAT!
Decide carefully, exactly what you want in life, then work like mad to make sure you get it!