Parting is such sweet sorrow

As excited as I was for my husband to come home Friday night, that's how depressed I am that he has left. They say your first year of marriage is the hardest, and I used to believe that. They also say that the year you have a child, that is a very difficult year in a marriage. Makes sense, the once again shifting of the relationship paradigm. But, that year brought us scary close to one another. It's sorta like being in war together; you're scared to death, you are fighting to stay alive ( or at least to be sure that you keep your child alive), and you do some growing up together. It definitely takes it to the next level. Now, we are heading towards are 11th year of marriage (yes, I married at the age of 13:), we've just spent year 9 &10 being downsized 3 times. Oh yeah, you heard me correctly. If that is not the test of your marital strength, I don't know what is. Seriously, in my world, money is the root of all evil; when there is none....I get evil. Not really, but its a stress to have bills coming in and what little income you have going out. But we weathered through it together. Hell, this last time, I didn't even stress about it. I just said to myself, "Hey, worrying helps no one, it makes my energy all negative..I'm not doing it." Then there was a job. A wonderful lovely, knight in shining armor job rode in all the way from Iowa on its big metaphorical steed and rescued us. Yey, the day is saved. But all is not what it seems, yes, we are blessed by God to have found employment in this economy so quickly. I know that. But seriously, did it have to be 4 hours away from where we live. Here I am , a wife who actually likes having my husband around a lot, and he is in Iowa. Poor guy is living like a transient it what we refer to as his "hole" , a very nice 1 bedroom apartment furnished with a blow up bed, 2 camping chairs and a few other oddities from our garage. I feel really terrible. I know he is not taking more because he doesn't want the girls and I to feel as if he actually "lives" there. But the fact of the matter is that he is there more than he is here. I essentially have a long distance marriage at this point. I think if we hadn't been through so much together already as a married couple and be in such a stable and committed marriage,  this could be dangerous. I used to always use the line, "hey, if I wanted to be alone I would have stayed single." That was back when we first got married, when I was 12 and apparently really immature and needed to be with him constantly. I used to shutter at the idea of him traveling for business. I guess I've learned my lesson. Traveling occasionally would be amazing compared to this situation. It's kind of exciting, that I get to get all excited to see my husband like when we were first dating but at the same time, the parting is such sweet sorrow! Every Friday, I get all jazzed up like a 15 year old version of myself about to see her boyfriend for a hot date and then Sunday night reality slaps me right across the face and I realize I won't see my husband for a few more days.I'm not complaining, well maybe a little, but hey what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? After the last couple years of marriage, I think I probably have strength and fortitude the likes of Lou Ferrigno! So, just to recap; job good, money good, having wonderful husband 4 hours away from myself and my girls..bites!

In honor of National Marriage Week

Apparently last week was National Marriage week. I ,myself, was so deep in the throes of actually being in a Marriage that it completely escaped me. Well, to be honest, I never knew there was such a thing. But to be fair, I think it is a wonderful idea. I mean if we can celebrate Veterans Day and President's Day, we can surely give some credit for those of us who have maintained a long and happy marriage, or maybe I should say those of us who make the decision daily to stick with it and be there and grow together through the thick and thin.Yes, that is marriage. It is choosing your best friend and planning a life together.It's not always like it was in the beginning, with all that new car smell and the fancy bells and whistles but it is definitely a worthwhile investment, if you choose wisely. It has come to my attention lately that most of my single friends have a similar response for why they are not yet married ( not that everyone needs to be married but these people I speak of have been close but never closed the deal) it seems that they expect it to always be in the "I can't keep my hands off you, you're the most awesome thing in the world, every moment I see you is like a Fijian sunset" phase. I know, my married friends reading this are chuckling and my single friends are saying , "yeah, so what?" The fact of the matter is this, that phase doesn't not stay around ( not at that intensity level) but something deeper evolves. It may not appear like my husband and I can't live without one another every second of every day but let me tell you..once you've been through several years of marriage, children being born, several moves, births, deaths, the entire world changing around you..you become one anothers beacon of love and hope. You are one anothers home. You are the place where the other can go and let down their guard and be the self they are when they are alone but they get to share it..with you.I wouldn't trade the look in his eyes that I get now for the look that I got when we were two college hotties living to jump one anothers bones. No way! Now, he looks at me in awe...like I am amazing. He knows the fortitude and strength it takes to do what I do. To be the mother of his children, to love him no matter what, to get the things done that need to be done but he also knows that when I get dressed up and do my hair, nails, make up and we are alone, I can still be that girl in college. Its just that now, I keep him fed,clothed, make our house our home, and I am his. I still see him and want to jump his bones and he does mine, as well...just now its not the only thing that we feel and see when we look at one another.
I'm not knocking my single friends, I just feel like if they are expecting the new car smell in a relationship to last forever..or worse yet, passing up happiness in search of that metaphoric "new car smell", they may be missing out on something wonderful. I have a theory about marriage, it relates to the housing market ( I have houses on the brain, since I've been searching for the past 6 months). Getting married is like buying a house, you find that house that you want to make your home and want to live forever. In reality, you may not live there forever but while you are there, it is a good investment. You make it your home, you create memories, you live and grow there. Someday, you may have to sell or want to upgrade but that home was a positive, wonderful thing in your life. It may have been where you had your children, or where you grew up yourself. It is where you lived the seasons of your life in love and security. Now, perpetual dating is like renting an apartment. You have a small commitment, no equity invested, and you can leave and upgrade or change apartments at anytime on a whim. There is no reason to stick out the rough times when the pipes are leaking, or the apartment no longer suits your furniture or lighting tastes. You simply walk away.
I personally hate apartment living, because I have lived in a house. Maybe I was meant to live in a house, but I need to be somewhere that is mine and I can invest my life , my time, my heart, and my sweat and tears into.Plus, as a sidebar, just a reminder, my single friends, its easier to break a lease than to sale a house:)

Ever have those WTF moments?

This morning, I woke up feeling a little nauseous in my stomach. Morning sickness, no not likely, it was that nervous feeling you get right before impending doom. As some of you are aware, it has been a hectic year or so for the Beck clan. I was counting on a much smoother 2010 , but apparently that's not very likely. You see in the August of 2008, Wayne lost his job. It was awful and our life was shattered. But within 2 weeks, the very same company who let him go brought him back...reviving our shocked and on life support livelihoods.All was good in the world...so we thought. Poor little unsuspecting, gullible Becks.Then after a miserable autumn of playing financial catch up after the havoc those 2 weeks created, spring arrived. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming, friend's babies were being born and we had a pretty wonderful spring until sometime around mid May. I can't recollect the exact date because to be honest I sorta blacked out from the shock. Once again, the Wayne comes home in the middle of the day and gives me the news that he no longer has employment. The company that had done this to us last August was now being sold to a competitor and they were closing the facility. That was that, no job...no warning, no problem. I mean come on, we were somewhat of semi professionals at this by now. We knew the routine..call the credit card companies, cut back the cable and phone bills, tighten the belts, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!!!So, fool me once shame on me...fool me twice.... We lived life in those days in a haze, a fog of uncertainty, not unlike that of lots of people these days.I was angry, he was angry, I cried, he drank, the kids knew something was wrong but weren't quite sure what. It was awful..absolutely horrible. What were we going to do about our mortgage? Our health insurance? Car payments? Ballet?Preschool?Food? Oh my, it was totally overwhelming. Then a couple weeks of unemployment, a lot of restless nights, quite a bit of getting on one an others nerves, and a big hole in our savings later...the company who bought my husbands company, like a shining knight, came to our rescue. They wanted to interview him, obviously, he accepted.Then , hallelujah, like a miracle he was employed again. It was a great thing indeed but it was not without costs. In order to accept this position, we had to leave our friends and family behind and relocate ,literally, half way across the country away from all that we knew. But you know, Wayne and I are firm believers that as long as we all have our health, are together and love each other..everything else will work itself out. We will be fine. God will provide and put us just where we need to be. So, with an open mind and a willing heart, we did it. We packed the girls up and moved to Virginia. It was completely different than anything we knew and we embraced it all. I threw myself into making friends and making things as normal for my girls as it could be. I made wonderful new friends, joined groups, made play dates, found a ballet school, a wonderful preschool, and even became an active room Mother. I was absolutely loving Virginia. For the first time in a long time, things were feeling normal. I was feeling normal and like I belonged, aside from the fact that our house back home hadn't sold yet and we were paying two mortgages, essentially, all was well.After the most amazingly beautiful autumn in Richmond, and a lovely pre holiday season, we headed home to the Midwest for the holidays. WE were greeted by lots of love and warm wishes but blistering cold and lots of snow. By the time we left, after loading a 16 foot u haul in freezing cold blizzard conditions, driving 14 hours with 2 toddlers have simultaneous meltdowns and car sickness in more blizzard conditions, imagine my happiness to be back to Virginia where it was actually above the single digits. I had come to accept that though I missed family and friends terribly, this was my new life and it was pretty sweet. I was looking forward to my new life in Virginia and a new home, etc. Then 8 days passed and Wayne was told he needed to make a appointment with the HR lady. Are you frigging kidding me!! Talk about blindsided. WTF was this nonsense? Were they giving him a special "you are so awesome award'? Because, in my mind, that better had be the only effing reason they would have the audacity to call my husband into the HR. Have I mentioned this was the third time in a little over a year this had happened..essentially at the same company!! My mind was thoroughly blown! So, he scheduled a meeting. The HR lady ran late. He waited an hour and a half, not to mention that he was about to vomit no less,and she never showed..running late. You know busy firing and laying off poor unsuspecting, thinking their lives were great sons of a bitches:( Finally this morning, he gets his meeting. Guess what? My dear husband has been laid off...again! Seriously, WTF!!!!! I know this economy is hard, for everybody, but seriously does life just want to see how far it can push us until we break? My sanity may truly be in question. Who does this? To be fair, the company is very remorseful but hard facts are that they have too many employees and need to cut heads..its that time of the year.They are putting together a severance, reimbursing us for the Uhaul, paying to break the lease, paying to send us back home with our tails between our legs but what I want to know is who the hell is going to give me back the last 6 months of my life? Honestly, I kept saying I felt like I was on some bizarro extended vacation..I chalked it up to living in corporate housing and living a pseudo existence but now I think I knew, in my heart, all along that this wasn't going to last. To recap, I have cut ties with those at home because I had moved, now the friends I made here will slowly distance themselves from me( it is the nature of the beast..nobody likes to be too vested in someone leaving..its hard, I understand..I've been here before) and once again I am left to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life. It just happens to be that I am rebuilding in a pile of rubble that I am familiar with.Fantastic! The thing that is the icing on the cake, this all happens on the absolute worst week of the month that you could imagine!Wow! Life is sweet! Thanks life for metaphorically kicking the crap outta me, yet, once again!Life, I don't know what exactly it was I did to piss you off but I think we've been punished enough for awhile. Can you please lay off a bit? My backside is sore from the ass kickin that you've been giving me over the past few months. Sincerely, Debi