I've been tagged by Naomi from Organic Motherhood with Coolwhip to describe my perfect man. To be honest, I am happily married to the Big Guy for 11 years now and the idea of being single again is one that is so far removed from my brain that I'm pretty sure that I've forgotten how to do/be it at all. Not to mention, I'd probably rip my hair out going through that process again.I was young the first time.I was hot. It was easy:)However, before I was married to my Big sexy, world traveling, soul mate of mine I had much different criteria.I think hot, a pulse, and a bad attitude were the only requirements. Let's leave it at the fact that I kissed more than my fair share of big, nasty, wart ridden, bad attitude having toads before finding my prince.
And so, without further ado, I will give you my list of qualifications for the perfect man. Obviously, the position is currently and permanently filled, but I do have two sisters and a plethora of female family and friends who would love a man who meets these criteria.
1. Must live in the same zip code.Long distance and traveling can no longer be tolerated on any level. I have had my fill.
2. Must love me unconditionally and blindly.I understand that there are other women out there, but you must never acknowledge their existence in my presence.
3. Must be willing to listen to my narcissistic and incessant ramblings about my blog, why my children are geniuses, how I am always right.Must be able to tolerate my acute case of verbal diarrhea that I have developed as a result of having children and being a SAHM. I am serious, you will be hit with a barrage of words upon your arrival..every day.
4. Must be ready and willing to please me at any moment, as my time is very valuable and you can only get in when I can fit you in.Must also be willing to not get offended if I am too exhausted to reciprocate:)
5. Must be willing to inform me when 'Pedro' is making an appearance, so that I can wax, as I am too busy to notice such things as facial hair because of the hecticness that is my life, plus all mirrors in my house are smudged with tiny hand prints.
6. Must know how to cook,bake birthday cakes, take out garbage, drive a riding mower,do laundry fold laundry,put away laundry, change the toilet paper roll and pick up your socks.
7. Must think I am a sex goddess even when I am being a raging hormonal bitch, am gestating a giant fruit of your loins, or have doubled in size due to water retention.
8. Must be willing to simultaneously film, photograph, hold my hand,look deep into my soul and tell me I am beautiful when I am giving birth.
9. Must not be afraid of a beautiful woman who has a Ricky Ricardo laugh and pees when she sneezes or laughs too hard..
10. Must be willing to laugh at life, cry with me, hold me when I am sad, and love me like you did back when we were in college....before gray hairs, love handles, breasts that fed, and child induced exhaustion set in.
11.Must be willing to take over all parenting duties the moment you walk in the house.
12.Must be adorable to look at and not make annoying sounds when breathing, sleeping, chewing, or talking.
13.Must be willing to reciprocate all that is given to you by me, emotionally, physically, and other!
14.Must like to cuddle on cold nights and go a little Prodigy Firestarter on me, when the occasion dictates.
15.Above all else, must head over heels love crazy, hot tempered, exotic, passionate, mouthy ME!
Thank God, I already found the Big Guy.I never knew I was so picky until I realized he was everything I never knew that I always wanted ( see aforementioned list). Please, tell me what your perfect man would be.Tag your it!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Coitus Interrruptus
Big Guy:" The Kids asleep?"
Me: "Yeah, we better hurry. You know they'll be waking up soon for... something....anything"
Big Guy: "OK. where do you want to do this?The kids are in our bed right? How about the living room?"
Me:"No way, we're too exposed. We'd be right out in the open."
Big Guy:" How about Bella's room?"
Me: "NO, that's right across from our room..they'd walk in and there we'd be. It's too easy to get caught!"
Big Guy: "What about Gabs room? They'd have to make a turn, we'd have a warning!"
Me: "Sounds good, but not in the bed..that would be gross!"
Big Guy:" OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs' bedroom floor?"
Me:"Yep!"
Big Guy:" GO!"
Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one with co-sleepers, or small children in general. This was NOT in the baby handbook! How people have more than 2 kids, I will never know. It must be pure unadulterated dumb luck. I know how we go the first one, we were alone, we were married, we lived in Tennessee and nothing was on TV so we got a lot of practice entertaining ourselves! Then we went on a romantic getaway with nothing to do but linger in each others arms. BAM! There ya go! But number 2, that baby was conceived on a Labor Day afternoon while a baby napped, Daddy had the day off, and Mommy was feeling frisky. Now, fast forward to 3 years later..there is no way that we could conceive another one. Love making has been reduced to an Olympic qualifying sport.It's all about being very strategic and very fast, rushed and quiet (Sush, you'll wake the girls).There's no falling into it, no looking longingly into each others eyes with that hungry look. We still have those hungry looks but now its usually a hunger for sleep.
We've never really been busted, probably because we are like merry minstrels roaming from room to room to find a spot to engage in the occasional coitus. Making matters worse, now he is always out of town for business so that leaves me with only 3 nights and 3 days of potential love making to choose from. So, if I say I'm too tired or I've got a headache, I have to think carefully because the opportunity may not present itself again until the following week.(Yes, a whole week more)Who are we kidding, you can't make "love" in that sliver of time we are allotted after our kids fall asleep and before the first time they wake up for water, the potty, nightmares, what have you.Let's call it what it is, we are making a quickie and sometimes we can't even get through that before someone wakes up and calls out. Nothing like being almost there, and having to go soothe a cryer back to sleep. That will dry you up quicker than a shot of Sudaphed.Don't worry Daddies, I'm pretty sure it can shrivel your junk up too, within a matter of seconds. Thank God its the quality and not the quantity that counts. Quality is fantastic, quantity, well, we need to clear up some scheduling conflicts...like children running a muck and working out of town! I never understood what the hell all this "I have a headache" stuff was about. Then I had kids and I realized, the headache of which they speak is the headache it is to try and choreograph "Special" time with your partner.
Sometimes, you just need a back rub and that's it. It's not code for anything but I'm tired and my damn back hurts from chasing and lugging kids all day. Can you help a Mama out and just rub my back? But we can't even get through that without someone waking up, calling out, or creeping up on us.I have been busted getting a late night massage in front of the fire place, thank God it hadn't evolved any further. That's why I know the living room is too exposed. I have a friend who told me that her and her husband used to rendezvous in their closet for "special" time, away from the prying ears of their teenagers. My closet just isn't big enough for those kind of escapades. Her and her husband are both on the smaller side. My husband is a giant and I'm life size not fun sized, so there's no way that could happen in my house. Plus with all that clean laundry that's hiding out in my closet floor, there's no room left for love making...unless the big guy wants to hump my clean nighties that are in desperate need of being put away. He never sees them on anymore, so I am sure one look at them and he'd be done.
How do you coordinate special time? Dose the kiddies with Benadryl? Lock the doors and turn out the lights and pretend no ones home? During nap time? Where do you have to hide to get your groove on? I need suggestions, I am running out of rooms that are safe. I was thinking about the basement but then I'd die if one of the kids woke up, came looking for us, and fell down the stairs. Oh, the joys of Motherhood! Happy Parenting!
Me: "Yeah, we better hurry. You know they'll be waking up soon for... something....anything"
Big Guy: "OK. where do you want to do this?The kids are in our bed right? How about the living room?"
Me:"No way, we're too exposed. We'd be right out in the open."
Big Guy:" How about Bella's room?"
Me: "NO, that's right across from our room..they'd walk in and there we'd be. It's too easy to get caught!"
Big Guy: "What about Gabs room? They'd have to make a turn, we'd have a warning!"
Me: "Sounds good, but not in the bed..that would be gross!"
Big Guy:" OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs' bedroom floor?"
Me:"Yep!"
Big Guy:" GO!"
Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one with co-sleepers, or small children in general. This was NOT in the baby handbook! How people have more than 2 kids, I will never know. It must be pure unadulterated dumb luck. I know how we go the first one, we were alone, we were married, we lived in Tennessee and nothing was on TV so we got a lot of practice entertaining ourselves! Then we went on a romantic getaway with nothing to do but linger in each others arms. BAM! There ya go! But number 2, that baby was conceived on a Labor Day afternoon while a baby napped, Daddy had the day off, and Mommy was feeling frisky. Now, fast forward to 3 years later..there is no way that we could conceive another one. Love making has been reduced to an Olympic qualifying sport.It's all about being very strategic and very fast, rushed and quiet (Sush, you'll wake the girls).There's no falling into it, no looking longingly into each others eyes with that hungry look. We still have those hungry looks but now its usually a hunger for sleep.
We've never really been busted, probably because we are like merry minstrels roaming from room to room to find a spot to engage in the occasional coitus. Making matters worse, now he is always out of town for business so that leaves me with only 3 nights and 3 days of potential love making to choose from. So, if I say I'm too tired or I've got a headache, I have to think carefully because the opportunity may not present itself again until the following week.(Yes, a whole week more)Who are we kidding, you can't make "love" in that sliver of time we are allotted after our kids fall asleep and before the first time they wake up for water, the potty, nightmares, what have you.Let's call it what it is, we are making a quickie and sometimes we can't even get through that before someone wakes up and calls out. Nothing like being almost there, and having to go soothe a cryer back to sleep. That will dry you up quicker than a shot of Sudaphed.Don't worry Daddies, I'm pretty sure it can shrivel your junk up too, within a matter of seconds. Thank God its the quality and not the quantity that counts. Quality is fantastic, quantity, well, we need to clear up some scheduling conflicts...like children running a muck and working out of town! I never understood what the hell all this "I have a headache" stuff was about. Then I had kids and I realized, the headache of which they speak is the headache it is to try and choreograph "Special" time with your partner.
Sometimes, you just need a back rub and that's it. It's not code for anything but I'm tired and my damn back hurts from chasing and lugging kids all day. Can you help a Mama out and just rub my back? But we can't even get through that without someone waking up, calling out, or creeping up on us.I have been busted getting a late night massage in front of the fire place, thank God it hadn't evolved any further. That's why I know the living room is too exposed. I have a friend who told me that her and her husband used to rendezvous in their closet for "special" time, away from the prying ears of their teenagers. My closet just isn't big enough for those kind of escapades. Her and her husband are both on the smaller side. My husband is a giant and I'm life size not fun sized, so there's no way that could happen in my house. Plus with all that clean laundry that's hiding out in my closet floor, there's no room left for love making...unless the big guy wants to hump my clean nighties that are in desperate need of being put away. He never sees them on anymore, so I am sure one look at them and he'd be done.
How do you coordinate special time? Dose the kiddies with Benadryl? Lock the doors and turn out the lights and pretend no ones home? During nap time? Where do you have to hide to get your groove on? I need suggestions, I am running out of rooms that are safe. I was thinking about the basement but then I'd die if one of the kids woke up, came looking for us, and fell down the stairs. Oh, the joys of Motherhood! Happy Parenting!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Mommy Porn; Bow Chika Bow WOW
Get your mind out of the gutters, Ladies.I was just thinking today about how much my life has changed since having my girls. I was a very semi more private person before I had my girls. Well, maybe not private ( that's a very loose interpretation) but there were absolutely things that were only between myself and God. You know like pooping, waxing, changing a tampon, masturbating ( Yeah, when was the last time I had the time or energy for that? The only rabbit getting any action in this house is Jack..my daughter's lovey. My rabbit, well,that poor bastard has been buried under an inch of dust for about the last..I don't know, 5 years!)
Anyways, that got the wheels turning and I began to realize that when I say I have not a single minute of privacy a day..I am not exaggerating in the least. Every day is like a surprise party. You know...trying to wipe your ass...SURPRISE!! Or trying to wax your lip with a little dignity...SURPRISE, we see you! Try to shave your legs...SURPRISE! Oops, Mommy..why you leg bleeding? Umm, because Mommy just shaved half her ankle off when you "Surprised" her. Yes, its not for the weak. I remember , naive fool that I was, I was so 'embarrassed' that my ass was hanging out of my night gown when I was in labor with my first. It about drove me nuts ( until transition labor that was) thinking of all these strangers seeing my big ass hanging out. Yeah, who knew that was the beginning of the end for me. Now, nothing is private. Hell, if my ass hanging out for a few hours was my greatest imposition..life would be sweet. I feel like one of those online video chat hookers/ porn stars without all the sexiness or money. Nope, its just me..doing all my most intimate things with an audience of the 3 and 5 year old version and the pay's pretty shitty. Well, I do have a full account of hugs and cuddles but on the flip side, I'm missing half my ankle.
Now, Mommy porn..well, it used to be some hot steamy man doing God knows what to some poor unsuspecting damsel in distress. Rocking her world and punishing her all at the same time, with really bad acting and cheesy music...that was mandatory. Usually, something my husband chose that took place on the high seas. Maybe a pirate or two...argh! It started with a massage in front of the fireplace and ended with my new perma audience. No thank you sir, I will pass on that porn!
If you ask me today, my qualifications for good porn..my "Mommy porn" if you will; I want a hot man with a cut up chest and tight ass,working up a heavy sweat....cleaning my house....in silence!Oh life, you have come full circle! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW!!!
Disclaimer: No man was hurt in this photo and no rabbit has been used in the presence of my children! Just in case, you were confused and thinking I was some sort of warped brain defect. I am not. Happy Mothering!
Anyways, that got the wheels turning and I began to realize that when I say I have not a single minute of privacy a day..I am not exaggerating in the least. Every day is like a surprise party. You know...trying to wipe your ass...SURPRISE!! Or trying to wax your lip with a little dignity...SURPRISE, we see you! Try to shave your legs...SURPRISE! Oops, Mommy..why you leg bleeding? Umm, because Mommy just shaved half her ankle off when you "Surprised" her. Yes, its not for the weak. I remember , naive fool that I was, I was so 'embarrassed' that my ass was hanging out of my night gown when I was in labor with my first. It about drove me nuts ( until transition labor that was) thinking of all these strangers seeing my big ass hanging out. Yeah, who knew that was the beginning of the end for me. Now, nothing is private. Hell, if my ass hanging out for a few hours was my greatest imposition..life would be sweet. I feel like one of those online video chat hookers/ porn stars without all the sexiness or money. Nope, its just me..doing all my most intimate things with an audience of the 3 and 5 year old version and the pay's pretty shitty. Well, I do have a full account of hugs and cuddles but on the flip side, I'm missing half my ankle.
Now, Mommy porn..well, it used to be some hot steamy man doing God knows what to some poor unsuspecting damsel in distress. Rocking her world and punishing her all at the same time, with really bad acting and cheesy music...that was mandatory. Usually, something my husband chose that took place on the high seas. Maybe a pirate or two...argh! It started with a massage in front of the fireplace and ended with my new perma audience. No thank you sir, I will pass on that porn!
If you ask me today, my qualifications for good porn..my "Mommy porn" if you will; I want a hot man with a cut up chest and tight ass,working up a heavy sweat....cleaning my house....in silence!Oh life, you have come full circle! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW!!!
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