Did you mess my sheets? My 300th post!!

Wow, if you thought dates were important when you were single~ that's nothing in comparison to how vital they are to married life. When you are single, dating is like a popularity contest. A status symbol. It separates the haves from the have nots. When you are single, dating feels like it could be life or death, social life or death, that is. When you are married with children, dates mean something quite different. It still means life or death, but this time it is more literally the life or death of a crucial relationship; your marriage.
I can not stress enough, how important alone time is with your spouse significant other the person who got you tied up in this mess in the first place. It took me a while for this lesson to sink in.Hell, who am I kidding? I fought it tooth and nail.But it has finally sunk in that my girls will be perfectly fine and not doomed to years of therapy or their imminent death just because I decide to have a night out with the big guy. They are in perfectly capable hands if I elect to leave them in the care of a trusted, thoroughly investigated caregiver (i.e. My Mom or my Mother in law~ baby steps people, baby steps!).

Remember when you were single and a date was all about the what ifs and possibilities? What you wore? Where you went?Would you or wouldn't you give up the goodies? His apartment or yours? Now, its actually about what it was always meant to be about... spending time alone with the other person.

What will you wear? Who cares what you wear! Of course you want to look nice for your honey. Hell, smoking hot if you can pull it off! But keep in mind, he's probably seen you give birth, and lets face it, there's nowhere to go but up from there!

Where will you go?  Seriously? Do we really care? As long as we are getting out of the house, alone, able to have an adult conversation across a table with one another, isn't the rest all gravy? I mean, I'm sure usually when that happens, we end up somewhere gazing through a blur of exhaustion at one another thinking, "Holy shit it's quiet in here. I sure could go for a nap but its so nice being alone with you baby! Instead, I'll have a red bull and a vodka so I can stay up and enjoy our time together!"

Will you or won't you? Of course you will, provided the kids stay in their own beds ,the red bull and  vodka do their job and keep you awake, you can keep your eyes open after eating an entire warm meal in one sitting, and all the cuddling hasn't relaxed you into a comma! I actually think, for couples with children, "dessert" before dinner is a good idea, if  you can swing it. You'd feel a lot sexier with an empty belly ( at least I know I would), plus it would be before the heavy, comforting meal, the dark theater  and the cuddling.Problem solved! Yes, the more I think of it, a little naughty before the nice date would be perfect.

Who's place? Obviously the home that you share.Pick a room, any room..it's your house. If you're really feeling adventurous, get a hotel for the evening, Sybaris anyone? Get your married freak on.You deserve it, damn it!

Personally, the big guy and I have not yet made it to the Sybaris but let me tell you, the big guy spontaneously took me to a movie ( while we were visiting the in laws this past weekend). Grandma (trusted and thoroughly investigated caregiver..check)watched the girls. She even volunteered to sleep in the room with them so I could actually "Sleep" alone with the big guy ( because normally there are 2 little girls in the bed with us). Personally, I think Grandma is bucking  for that illusive Grandson ( barking up wrong tree Grandma). Hey, its a theory. Or perhaps I just really look like I need some alone time with the big guy. No matter the reason, it was fabulous. I even got to fall asleep in the big guys arms ( right next to him and everything...you co sleeper Mommies know exactly what I mean). I woke up well rested with a smile on my face. That was until Grandma looks over at me at breakfast and asks ( NOT in her indoor voice either) "Did you guys mess my sheets?" She was chuckling and I turned about 27 shades of red. I thought to myself, "I'll never tell but I'm pretty sure I just shat myself!Thanks for asking!"  With that, the spell was broken! But it sure was nice while it lasted!

Coitus Interrruptus

Big Guy:" The Kids asleep?"
Me: "Yeah, we better hurry.  You know they'll be waking up soon for... something....anything"
Big Guy: "OK. where do you want to do this?The kids are in our bed right? How about the living room?"
Me:"No way, we're too exposed. We'd be right out in the open."
Big Guy:" How about Bella's room?"
Me: "NO, that's right across from our room..they'd walk in and there we'd be. It's too easy to get caught!"
Big Guy: "What about Gabs room? They'd have to make a turn, we'd have a warning!"
Me: "Sounds good, but not in the bed..that would be gross!"
Big Guy:" OK, so we got about 10 minutes on Gabs' bedroom floor?"
Me:"Yep!"
Big Guy:" GO!"

Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one with co-sleepers, or small children in general. This was NOT in the baby handbook! How people have more than 2 kids, I will never know. It must be pure unadulterated dumb luck. I know how we go the first one, we were alone, we were married, we lived in Tennessee and nothing was on TV so we got a lot of practice entertaining ourselves!  Then we went on a romantic getaway with nothing to do but linger in each others arms. BAM! There ya go! But number 2, that baby was conceived on a Labor Day afternoon while a baby napped, Daddy had the day off, and Mommy was feeling frisky. Now, fast forward to 3 years later..there is no way that we could conceive another one. Love making has been reduced to an Olympic qualifying sport.It's all about being very strategic and very fast, rushed and quiet (Sush, you'll wake the girls).There's no falling into it, no looking longingly into each others eyes with that hungry look. We still have those hungry looks but now its usually a hunger for sleep.

We've never really been busted, probably because we are like merry minstrels roaming from room to room to find a spot to engage in the occasional coitus. Making matters worse, now he is always out of town for business so that leaves me with only 3 nights and 3 days of potential love making to choose from.  So, if I say I'm too tired or I've got a headache, I have to think carefully because the opportunity may not present itself again until the following week.(Yes, a whole week more)Who are we kidding, you can't make "love" in that sliver of time we are allotted after our kids fall asleep and before the first time they wake up for water, the potty, nightmares, what have you.Let's call it what it is, we are making a quickie and sometimes we can't even get through that before someone wakes up and calls out. Nothing like being almost there, and having to go soothe a cryer back to sleep. That will dry you up quicker than a shot of Sudaphed.Don't worry Daddies, I'm pretty sure it can shrivel your junk up too, within a matter of seconds. Thank God its the quality and not the quantity that counts. Quality is fantastic, quantity, well, we need to clear up some scheduling conflicts...like children running a muck and working out of town! I never understood what the hell all this "I have a headache" stuff was about. Then I had kids and I realized, the headache of which they speak is the headache it is to try and choreograph "Special" time with your partner.

Sometimes, you just need a back rub and that's it. It's not code for anything but I'm tired and my damn back hurts from chasing and lugging kids all day. Can you help a Mama out and just rub my back? But we can't even get through that without someone waking up, calling out, or creeping up on us.I have been busted getting a late night massage in front of the fire place, thank God it hadn't evolved any further. That's why I know the living room is too exposed.  I have a friend who told me that her and her husband used to rendezvous in their closet for "special" time, away from the prying ears of their teenagers. My closet just isn't big enough for those kind of escapades. Her and her husband are both on the smaller side. My husband is a giant and I'm life size not fun sized, so there's no way that could happen in my house. Plus with all that clean laundry that's hiding out in my closet floor, there's no room left for love making...unless the big guy wants to hump my clean nighties that are in desperate need of being put away. He never sees them on anymore, so I am sure one look at them and he'd be done.

How do you coordinate special time? Dose the kiddies with Benadryl? Lock the doors and turn out the lights and pretend no ones home? During nap time? Where do you have to hide to get your groove on? I need suggestions, I am running out of  rooms that are safe. I was thinking about the basement but then I'd die if one of the kids woke up, came looking for us, and fell down the stairs. Oh, the joys of Motherhood! Happy Parenting!