Impostor in the House of Mommy

Some days I wonder what am I doing? Who have I become? What have I done to deserve this? Whose life am I leading?Really, whose life am I leading?Someone please tell me and when the hell did I become someones Mommy and wife?

We all compare ourselves to other Mothers.They are our gauge. They are who we measure our self against when we are alone in our thoughts.Most likely we feel like we are coming up short.At least I do, on those days when the whole thing feels like its a house of cards and I have sneaked into the game but have absolutely no idea what he hell I am talking about or doing. I feel like I will be discovered for my deceit at any moment and my rouse will be ousted for all the world to laugh at.This is motherhood for me. I do have moments where I feel like damn, I am doing a stellar job.I am kicking ass at this gig and then I remember that I forgot to brush my 3 year olds teeth...again or that I forgot to read my 5 year old's library book that has to go back today or we are having cereal for dinner..AGAIN. Or when they are both having meltdowns and arguing with me simultaneously and I lose it. Those are the shameful moments.The moments that I want to crawl into a cave, fall into a pool of snot and tears, and wave my white flag admitting defeat.

But who, WHO is going to do this job better than me? Who else is going to love my children with their everything; I love my kids with my entire being.That is why they can make me crazy and break me down.That is why I feel like a failure. That is why my standards are set so high. Not because I love them less but because I love them more than I know how to express. When Motherhood is good it is blissful, when my girls are sweet little angels and we are cuddling up watching some Disney movie while munching on pizza and milk or lying in bed at night, quiet and still like Gods most precious creature. These moments , I almost can't stand how wonderful they are.These are the moments that make me question why I don't have 6 kids like my Mom. But when its bad, its gut wrenching and mind fucking and it hurts..bad.I don't think there is anything quite as awful for a Mother than being overwhelmed and exhausted and having to be helpless as your child runs a 105 degree temperature. You do everything you possibly can, while your hurt breaks for a whimpering child and you wait for something worse to happen.Or having to lie on top of your 3 year old little boy to hold him down as they do a spinal tap on him for his leukemia and hear him scream "I hate you Papi" as he cries helplessly and lashes out at the only person he knows that loves him so unconditionally that it doesn't matter what he says, Papi will still love him.The helplessness is crippling.

So, when I feel like I am an impostor in the house of Mommy I have to remind myself that I am human, first and foremost. No one is perfect. We are not born Mommies. We are not sent off to school to train for this job. There is no license or certificate of  achievement. There is only loving..lots and lots of loving , growing and learning. What makes you feel like a spy in the house of Mommy? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed and under qualified for this job? What makes you feel accomplished? What do you do with your children that you know is right and amazing? Now, go forth and love your munchkins because no body can do that better than you!Breathe.... Happy Mothering!

Ballerinas behaving Badly

Today, Bella came out of ballet very upset that one of the little girls in the class was ignoring her.Apparently, there was an incident a couple weeks ago when Bella ( being that she is 5) told the little girl, "You are my best friend" to which the little girl responded, " NO, I'm not your best friend. So and so is my best friend!"  And another incident previous to that one where Bella brought her friend on bring a friend day and wanted to sit by her, this other little girl sat between them and basically was  friendly to Bella's friend but excluded Bella. Bella was very upset that day, as well. Friendship has been a big theme lately at our household. I think it has a lot to do with being new to this entire kindergarten situation. It's like everything revolves around who your friends are...wow, sounds a lot like high school.

Anyways, I've always been a big advocate of the "to have a good friend, you've got to be a good friend" mantra.Hell, you've all heard me preach it...time and time again. To an extent, I do believe that. Well, I certainly believe it...if they are in fact your friend. Now, it has recently come to light that there seems to be, what I can only classify as "mean girls" in the elementary girl set. I can't even believe I am saying this because it sounds so freaking ridiculous. But believe me you, I'm finding this all out the hard way. Not so much the boys, but it seems girls learn very early on about this competition amongst one another. I for one am an advocate of sisterhood and that has been what I have been trying to instill with all this To have a good friend, you've got to be a good friend  business.

But what do you do,when your child is heeding your advice and giving and giving some more when the other child is just taking and even worse..rejecting. I want my daughters to give people chances and not judge them by first impressions, but its hard to teach this when my girls are the only ones adhering to these rules. There's only so many times I can watch my child, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, approach another child only to have the other child ignore or reject my child. I'm not going to lie. It pisses me off. I try to teach my girls to be nice, respectful and giving in their relationships and I am watching it being met with unresponsiveness or insincere responses. I don't necessarily think that these parents aren't teaching their kids how to behave appropriately. I just think that I am around a lot more and so by being there, my girls follow the rules and it also gives me the opportunity to see the other children sometimes ( some more than others) behaving badly.

Today, I had enough. I had enough of Bella getting upset. I had enough of her feeling rejected. I had enough of this other little girl ignoring her hellos and goodbyes. I had enough of this little girls smart ass comments. She actually told my daughter, "I'm better than you because I am older and can dance better!" WTF? She is older. But my daughter is younger...and was placed at the same level. You do the math. This little girl used to be her friend. We moved away. Moved back. And the kid has metamorphosed into a full on raging mean girl. I know, how awful do I sound referring to a 6 year old as a raging anything? I'm sure there is a special place in hell for me...but I'm also pretty sure that kid is going to be there right with me.

So, I took my little girl's sweet little tear stained face into my hands and I told her "Forget about her! You don't need friends like that." To which Bella responded, "Yeah, because she is mean and stupid and she won't let the other girls play with me." Me: " Bella we don't call people stupid (even if they are). When you see her if she says hi, say hi back, If she doesn't, just act like you don't care!" Am I wrong? I can't keep telling my little girl to turn the other cheek when every which way she turns, this little girl is metaphorically slapping her in the face...and harder each time. I don't know what is motivating this behavior.I don't honestly care. I just refuse to teach my kid to be a doormat to others. Maybe I should teach my girls the 3 strikes you're out rule? That gives people an ample amount of time to redeem themselves, right? Of course, even under those circumstances this mouthy little girl would still be left in the OUT pile.Happy Mothering! Does this ever get any easier?

Be a better parent challenge - Day 31 - Parent the kids you have

Congrats everyone! You've made it an entire month, and damn it, I hope you're all better parents for it. Or I've completely bored you to death with my soap boxing:)

No worries, I will be posting once again about how my girls are driving me out of my mind, I'm missing my husband terribly as he works in yet another state ( damn economy), that I am so stressed that my hair is falling out or I've roared at my children or some other nonsense.Those posts will gain me forgiveness for all this forced upon "betterness." But first, don't forget tomorrow starts the BE a BETTER ME challenge to help me shift my focus on me..and for you to shift the focus on you. After all, we deserve to be a priority on our own to do list.

Today I share with you some wisdom from Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored!

Be a Better Parent Challenge #31: Parent the kids you have

It is the greatest challenge of all, I believe, but also, the greatest reward - when you can take in all the advice (and assvice) and apply what works FOR YOUR SPECIFIC CHILD. For God's sake don't compare your little miracle to any other child. Your child is their own unique person. Keep in mind the square child you are trying to fit in a round hole may be the next Picasso, Einstein, Freud, Austen, Shakespeare,President. Let them be the best them they are and nurture, support and love them no matter what!Do that and you will be without a doubt the best parent to them that they could ever need or want.

I've spent the last 5 years trying to make certain parenting philosophies work for me and I've come to the conclusion that there is no one right way; there are loads of ways that work for different combinations of parents and children.My children are who they are and that is like no one else and I wouldn't want it any other way. I think they are pretty friggin spectacular albeit high maintenance. I made them that way, I chose to raise them with high expectations and lofty goals and the firm belief all things are possible through hard work and dedication.They are not entitled, they know that life is work and it can be as beautiful and amazing as you want it to be. Whatever they decide to put in is what they will get out.

We bog ourselves down with wanting to be the best parent and we have in our mind what that is - does she make homemade bread, does she read four stories to her kids every night, does she toss out her television?How do her kids behave? Where are her kids at educationally in comparison to where my kids are?Does her homemade baby food and breast milk make her a better Mommy than me? Am I limiting my kids potential by not going organic? Should my kid be taking more classes? OMG, did I mess my kids whole life up by using disposable diapers? Did that drop off the changing table make them unable to play the flute? Why is my kids talking /walking/potty training later? What did I do?

Don't lie - you've played that game in your head.Hell, you're probably playing it right now!It's a stupid game. Do your best for the kid you have, help them excel in their strengths. Don't judge them for their weaknesses. Be the parent you wish you had.

I say, toss all those ridiculous ideas of comparison and regimented milestones out. Listen to what your gut is telling you. Listen to your heart. Mommy intuition is a great thing. AS I always say, there is nothing you can tell me about my child that I don't already know...at the very least in my heart.

Read blogs, books, and websites.And then figure out what works best for your kid. And your other kids.It'll probably be different for each one, because our miracles are as unique as their fingerprints.SO be ready to work, but remember what you receive out of this parenting gig is  a plethora of kisses, a lifetime of love, and the priceless journey of raising and knowing these amazing little humans we brought forth into the world! Love them! Love yourself!Happy Mothering!

Life is a garden; Update

I shared with all of you the awesome Mother's Day gift the big guy and my girls gave to me. Well, as I promised, here are recent pics from the ever blooming beauty of my garden of love.

And here are the 3 most amazing people I know! The truest loves a woman could ever know!

What do you do when your kid doesn't match your shoes or your bag?

Ever spy that mom who's walking through the store, looking oblivious and completely put out by her children all in the same moment? You know the one, she's dressed like one of the desperate housewives of Jersey and her child is dressed in something equally as chic . The poor kid's sporting a kind of pathetic nobody loves me, everybody hates me look? That Mom who is completely ignoring the child's existence while simultaneously berating them, that's the one! You've seen them ..at the zoo, the museums,the grocery store, church, maybe even the mirror. The ladies who like to play house but not actually live within its parameters.No cooking , cleaning, bathing, soothing sick children back to sleep..none of that. Just satisfied with the situation in theory but in fruition, they've decided to abort mission about 10 months after the fact...emotionally checking out. Make no mistake, I am not referring to women who have  postpartum depression. I am speaking of women who had their children for the sole purpose of wanting to fit into a lifestyle and nothing more.When the task proved too difficult, they tried to cut their loses.

I have always thought that all Mommies loved their children unconditionally more than life itself. I think a good amount of us do. But there is an elite crowd, who I have found, that have children simply because that is what all their friends are doing; what is expected. They want to be invited to all the functions with the cool kids and so they procreate. You think I am joking, right? I have actually met people who have gone through all the  effort and labor of getting themselves a baby only to use that baby as a VIP pass to all the family friendly functions in town or as nothing more than an accessory. A photo op, another reason to  pat themselves on the back. They want the child for what it brings but they don't want to put any effort into the maintenance and upkeep. It is truly craziness.

Can you believe that in this day and time, there are people who would do this? Making matters worse, these are the same people who are all "get out of my house when you turn 18" and do you know why? For the same reason that the shelters are filled with cats and dogs because nothing is quite as cute as kittens and puppies...something to put into a little purse and show off to anyone who will look. I think it is beastly when its done to animals but unforgivable when its done using little human beings. A child is a gift, a trying, exhausting, drive you crazy and steal all of your sleep gift..but none the less a gift. People did this back in the day because they needed people to work their land...so they grew a farm team but they loved them. They interacted with them. In today's society, it is so easy to completely take care of your child but never have to actually interact with or engage them. We have Nanny's, Manny's, television, credit cards, boarding schools, baby sitters, camps, preschool, any and every class you can think of. If you are determined enough you can fill every single moment of your child's day and seldom have to even say hello. They can be like the good china, you only bring them out for special occasions...you know, when you need a kid to gain access to a situation.

For us parents who are full on Mommies who really want our kids, not because they match our bag and shoes but because they are our lives, its hard for us to understand why someone would only engage with their child on special occasions.Why would you not embrace the opportunity? We could not imagine our lives without our children. Our children are not our accessories, our children are the world for which we wear all else.A child is the gift and a responsibility, forever. If you are so lucky to have one, love them and cherish them as they deserve to be. You chose to bring them into the world, they did not chose to come into yours. They are not intruders, they are your guests. Once you have children, its time to put away your own childish things and become an adult.

Things I could have learned from my Id

Wow! There is nothing like our children to put the entire world into perspective. As I am running around like a chicken with my head chopped off, trying to find shoes and coats, finish the laundry (the never ending laundry), pay bills online, make phone calls /return phone calls, return emails and texts, make sure my kids are fed and clean and everywhere they are suppose to be on time and a laundry list of other daily chores (just like all the rest of you Mommies) it hits me, Stop! Take a breath! I am spending so much of my time lately trying to organize and plan life, that I am afraid that I am missing out on and not enjoying life. I find myself filling my days with things that I have to do and very little , if any, of what I want to do. This is making me uptight and grouchy, and defeating the purpose of all of the planning. After all, the planning is to maximize the quality of my daughters' childhoods not to make them remember their childhoods as " Remember how uptight and crazy Mom was?" What brought about this revelation, you ask? My brilliant little 2 year old. I ask in complete desperation, " Gabs, please help Mommy clean up your room, honey." Her response, "No Mommy! Me no want to!!!!"" Please?" "NO.ME NO WANT TO!!!!!!" (Basically, look woman I told you once..I don't want to). Then it dawned on me..Me no want to either!! So, why not let the laundry wait a few hours and go have some fun with my girls. They are only this age now..NEVER again. I can't rewind time like a video cassette. I'm hitting the reset button (oh yeah, once again. Apparently, in my life, it is a button I will be hitting quite frequently. Now, if I could only find that damn EASY button they keep talking about!)

This week we had an impromptu meeting downtown Chicago. Normally, I am in and out of downtown. The traffic frustrates me, the kids get bored and scream and cry; it really becomes an enormous headache.This time I said, hey we're going to make it an adventure and have some effin fun. After our appointment, we cranked up the volume on the Yo Gabba Gabba CD, started cruising around downtown until we saw some place that we wanted to stop. To the bean we went! I've been wanting to hit Millennium park for some time now and an opportunity to put my money where my mouth is presented itself. The girls, me and my lovely "NManny" for the week ( my 19 year old brother, who my daughters absolutely adore & so do I , for him coming out to help me while Daddy is on business)  explored all the facets of any art and design that the park had to offer. It was a spontaneous, lovely day in the park...which are always the best. Cheers to many more days of living life while smelling the lilacs versus only planting while multitasking 20 other things, and never truly having the opportunity to be happy or let those around you be happy. I need to start relinquishing some control and going with the flow, because the flow is where I live and no matter what I do...the flow is going to keep on flowing!

Stupid people should not be allowed around children

I still don't understand how you have to be 18 to vote, 21 to drink, 16 to drive, you have to pass a test to see, a test to drive, a test to do everything except to have a child. I think there should be classes offered for parenting before you are actually pregnant and even for being around children in general, and one must pass a test at the end of the learning period to proceed. As it is now, any fool can have a child and be around children; barring any felonies related to child misconduct but by that time the damage has been done. What I am referencing are people saying stupid things to children or not thinking before they speak to children.Case in point; little boy and his brother 4 and 6 sitting in a room playing, visiting relative says ,"Oh look, its the cute one and the ugly one!" Before you ask, the parents, stood idly by as this train wreck took place and the "ugly" ones self esteem went up in flames.If I would have been there, I can assure you that I would have promptly punched said relative in the face! Another case, little boy and his same aged cousin run up to their Grandmother.Grandmother is annoyed with one of the boy's Dad.The little boy says ,"Grandma, I love you!" Grandma says,"I'm not your Grandma!" Little boy is devastated and left feeling unloved and inferior. No one says anything.WTH! Can you really be so loathsome and evil as to say something so obviously hateful towards a 4 year old? You see what I am saying? I could go on forever with the things I've heard but instead I'd like to illustrate another case. Little girl is hyper and excited to see her grandparents and is jumping around and talking a million miles a minute. All she wants to do is catch them up.She is asking for Grandma because she wants to share all the details of the past couple of weeks. Grandpa looks at little girls and says, "She doesn't want to hear about it! She has to go to bed, its late!"This was not said in a pleasant tone, it was short, it was curt , it was rude. Little girl's heart is broken in that instant, she is deflated, she is confused and about to cry. Mommy speaks up" Excuse me, don't speak to her like that.She was excited and trying to share with you because she loves you.If you can't appreciate that, your loss but DON'T speak to her like that ever again!"Mouth agape, tail between legs,in silence he agreed. It may have taken balls to stand up to the little girl's grandfather but it had to be done in order to preserve her daughter's self esteem, self worth, and self respect. The moral of the story is some people should NOT be allowed to be around children...ever! Seriously, there ought to be a law and a test. Bonus moral, if you ever over hear an idiot thoughtlessly berating a child, insert yourself into the situation, stand up for the child, and by all means, punch the mean bastard who is breaking the child's heart square in the neck! Call it a service to mankind!

No nap late night meltdowns

My oldest is about to be 5 (sniff sniff) and she is at the age where she is starting to really refuse her naps. I know, some of you are saying to yourself, "What? Her kid still takes naps? Lucky bitch, she should be happy its lasted this long." Well, its lasted this long because she is still tired in the afternoon, ergo I make her take a nap. Now, I know there are those of us who have taken away the nap in order to have some quiet time in the evening. I am all for that, if your child is not needing a nap anymore but that is not the case in my house. No, my children need naps like most people need air...for survival. But there are those days when they fight me on the nap, those days when they want to stay up and not miss a thing! On those days, I sometimes give in...to my four year old. Of course, absolutely everything my four year old does..my two year old feels she is also entitled to. I am absolutely, without a doubt, against this behavior none the less it has happened on occasion.That being said, yesterday was one of "those" occasions. I knew when it happened it was a bad idea but they were begging, we were out and running late getting home,things needed to be done and I gave in. Soon, it was 6:30 and ,in no uncertain terms, time for bed...so we thought.The four year old went on and on about how I don't love her, and I don't care about her. This is all compounded by complete hysterics. I can't even get a word in edge wise. I try to console her, I know its the over tiredness talking. I've seen this before. But she keeps on going," You don't love me. You only love her. I hate her.(her being her little sister). " The little one, sensing the meaning of her sister's unkind words, decides she will physically attack. I believe there was some face grabbing, and perhaps a bite was exchanged. I'm trying to hold it together. I stay calm, try to placate both girls. I just know if I can get them still for 5 minutes...they will fall fast asleep. This continues for 45 minutes. I am at my wits end. It ended up, my husband, myself and both daughters in our king size bed; apparently it was the only way to prove that I loved them equally. After all the tears and drama, there are two things I am certain of 1, my four year old certainly still needs naps. I don't care what anybody says. If they want to argue, I'll let her miss her nap and then send her to their house around 7 pm.Take that, judgy Mommies:)2)No matter how sweet and lovable my kids are during the day, no matter the promises they make about going to bed without a fight if allowed to miss their nap...NEVER, EVER BELIEVE THEM! They are crazy little liars who can't be trusted and it is my job to know better! No Nap , late night meltdowns are our own faults...nap responsibly!

Truthful Mommy has a Facebook!

It was requested and now we have one! Just click on the widget on the top right hand of this page and you too can be Truthful Mommy's friend!Hope today's as wonderful as you want it to be, and as great as you deserve!Happy Mothering!