Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Lump in My Heart Runneth Over

I fully realize this picture is fuzzy but there is something ethereal about & it is very reminiscent of how the weekend felt.
The house lights went down & I was overcome with emotion.I sat there, my 3 year old to my right and her father on the other side of her.We held our breaths.Tchaikovsky started to swell from the orchestra pit and my heart began to swell with pride, as my eyes swelled with tears in anticipation of my little girl's debut performance on the stage as a ballerina.

We know the story of the Nutcracker well.We've been reading it to Bella since she was 3, the year that she started taking ballet.It is a big part of our holiday tradition.This year was different, this year it wasn't just about sitting in the audience and basking in the holiday spirit .This year was momentous.This year, the Nutcracker was one of my Bella's milestones; like first steps, first words, first day of school. Like so many before it and so many that are yet to come, it is that moment that parents find themselves reluctantly and pridefully letting go...just a little, just enough to give you a great big lump in your heart.

So, there I sat with my great big giant lump in my heart, trying to hold it together.Waiting, hoping, not breathing in anticipation of the end of the first act;the moment that my little snowflake would enter stage left. Then it happened, there she was with her white leotard and tutu, wrapped in the glow of the stage light, floating gracefully above the floor like a vision in tulle loveliness. I realize that everyone else was focusing their attentions on the "big" snowflakes ( the more seasoned ballerinas) but my every attention was devoted solely to my little snowflake.Every plies, leap, pirouette that she did, I watched her face to see that she was enjoying every moment of it.After all, isn't that what we live for..those moments of sheer happiness in our child's face. The 5 minutes that she was on stage felt like a lifetime, as I sat there holding my breath and trying to suppress the lump in my heart. Then, it was over. Four months of rehearsals, weeks of anticipation, countless dollars and a few moments of graceful beauty under falling snow; priceless!

We met her backstage with roses, gifts, and enough praise to last her a lifetime but no words could amply convey the pride I felt in my heart. Family and friends came from all over to see our little girl take the stage.I just tried not to cry...too much.I held it together pretty well until the ride home from the theater and then the lump in my heart gave way and burst, overflowing and escaping through my eyes. There I sat, silently, ugly crying feeling the pride and momentum of what had just transpired.The Big Guy sat next to me, pretending not to notice how swept away I was by this occasion. He's learned after 13 years to just be, any interaction or conversation can induce hysterics;hyperventilating, noisy, body shaking ugly crying.

It was a moment she will never forget and neither will the Big Guy and I. It was the first moment our little girl became a real ballerina. It is emblazoned in my mind like the image on my digital camera with the waltz of the snowflakes accompanying it on a never ending loop. What is a moment of overwhelming pride that you have felt for your child? How did you handle the lump in your heart?


  1. You're daughter is beautiful! I love that pic too. A LOT.

  2. @Bueno Baby,
    Thank you! I;m not sure what it is about that photo but it feels magical to me...even if it is blurry ad has transposed images:)

  3. Wow! AND she's clearly used to being in front of the camera.
    Yes, a part of me would die a it does when my daughter says "No me baby more!"

  4. That is beautiful. I think the milestones are supposed to feel just like that. Your heart just feels so big with love that it doesn't know quite how to hold it all in.

  5. Wow, That was amazing and I love the pics. I think I deal with them the same way you did. I cried when my daughter turned twelve because she is getting so big way too quickly. Savor her youth.

  6. I love the pictures! You know what I thought about as I looked at them, she has that look, that "oh mom haven't you taken enough, but yet
    I;ll smile on for you even though I have no idea why you need so many" look. But you and I know why we take so many, because these moments just fly by, we know that now but they dont. sigh. thats why were the moms right?

  7. @baby Foot fluff,
    Thank you! I think so. I have two girls and I am truly in love with both of them!

  8. @The Mad Woman behind the blog,
    Yes, the girls are used to being in front of the camera.I am stalkarazzi:) They do grow up too quickly.It breaks my heart how fast the last 5 years have flown by. Now, I understand why my mom had 6 kids> I also wish I would have started having mine younger:)But while we're wishing, I wish I was millionaire to afford more than 2:)LOL Happy Mothering!

  9. @ RObin,
    Yes,its kind of a cruel joke. We are giving these babies who we love so earth shatteringly completely and then every single day of their lives is a practice in leaving us!Proud of her beyond words..but it certainly did hurt my heart that she is growing up so fast!

  10. @4timesblessed,

    12?I will be a basket case, puberty and boyfriends and then college:( I know this is what is supposed to happen but it goes so fast!

  11. @The Mrs,
    So true. She is used to all the pics and she's actually done some modeling ( so she should be used to it, in theory) but she does give me "that" look.The 'Oh Mom, thats enough" look. But I need the pics because the moments are fleeting and once they are gone, u cant get them back. I took about 1000 pics total over lst weekend, she had performances all weekend:) SO ,IM sure she was tired of me!When she is an old lady she will love them!

  12. Awwwwwww!!! This is such a touching post. I remember that I felt this way when Nino graduated from his pre-school. They had him carry the American flag in and I just couldn't believe how grown up he seemed at that moment and it made me sad and happy all at once. It is so incredible to watch these little souls grow from being a snuggly lump you hold in your arm to a real person who can carry flags, dance ballet, recite poetry, and make up their own jokes. Beautiful beautiful day! So wish I could have been there to see it in person!

  13. @mommaKiss,
    They were absolutely adorable!

  14. @Naomi,
    I wish you could have been there too.Aww, it is so touching when our babies are growing up before our very eyes..and painful ( oh, my heart!)It all goes way too fast.I want to slow it down. Before I know it she'll be going off to college and getting married!*sniff.sniff*

  15. I love the top pic! It is everything a show is fast, chaotic, and surreal.


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