Some days I wonder what am I doing? Who have I become? What have I done to deserve this? Whose life am I leading?Really, whose life am I leading?Someone please tell me and when the hell did I become someones Mommy and wife?
We all compare ourselves to other Mothers.They are our gauge. They are who we measure our self against when we are alone in our thoughts.Most likely we feel like we are coming up short.At least I do, on those days when the whole thing feels like its a house of cards and I have sneaked into the game but have absolutely no idea what he hell I am talking about or doing. I feel like I will be discovered for my deceit at any moment and my rouse will be ousted for all the world to laugh at.This is motherhood for me. I do have moments where I feel like damn, I am doing a stellar job.I am kicking ass at this gig and then I remember that I forgot to brush my 3 year olds teeth...again or that I forgot to read my 5 year old's library book that has to go back today or we are having cereal for dinner..AGAIN. Or when they are both having meltdowns and arguing with me simultaneously and I lose it. Those are the shameful moments.The moments that I want to crawl into a cave, fall into a pool of snot and tears, and wave my white flag admitting defeat.
But who, WHO is going to do this job better than me? Who else is going to love my children with their everything; I love my kids with my entire being.That is why they can make me crazy and break me down.That is why I feel like a failure. That is why my standards are set so high. Not because I love them less but because I love them more than I know how to express. When Motherhood is good it is blissful, when my girls are sweet little angels and we are cuddling up watching some Disney movie while munching on pizza and milk or lying in bed at night, quiet and still like Gods most precious creature. These moments , I almost can't stand how wonderful they are.These are the moments that make me question why I don't have 6 kids like my Mom. But when its bad, its gut wrenching and mind fucking and it hurts..bad.I don't think there is anything quite as awful for a Mother than being overwhelmed and exhausted and having to be helpless as your child runs a 105 degree temperature. You do everything you possibly can, while your hurt breaks for a whimpering child and you wait for something worse to happen.Or having to lie on top of your 3 year old little boy to hold him down as they do a spinal tap on him for his leukemia and hear him scream "I hate you Papi" as he cries helplessly and lashes out at the only person he knows that loves him so unconditionally that it doesn't matter what he says, Papi will still love him.The helplessness is crippling.
So, when I feel like I am an impostor in the house of Mommy I have to remind myself that I am human, first and foremost. No one is perfect. We are not born Mommies. We are not sent off to school to train for this job. There is no license or certificate of achievement. There is only loving..lots and lots of loving , growing and learning. What makes you feel like a spy in the house of Mommy? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed and under qualified for this job? What makes you feel accomplished? What do you do with your children that you know is right and amazing? Now, go forth and love your munchkins because no body can do that better than you!Breathe.... Happy Mothering!