Honey, we need to talk

When I was in my 20's, I felt I was too young to have kids.When I actually did have my first girl, in my early 30's, I was planning to plan to have a baby. Then we planned Gabs and after 1 month of actively trying, we were pregnant. When is the right time? There really is no right time. It's like that moment right before the wax is removed from your upper lip, its scary as hell but sometimes you've just got to pull the trigger or you'll never accomplish anything. If we were all to afraid of the certain pain it takes to remove the wax, we'd all be running around either with hot wax or hair on our upper lips. Am I too old to have any more? Has my womb become a cavernous black hole filled with cobwebs and brittle remnants of my past? These are the thoughts that plague my mind in my 5 seconds of free time every single day, lately.

I don't feel 38, I feel the same as I did when I was 25 but much, much wiser in the ways of the world, relationships, and myself. After Gabs was born, we were conflicted whether or not to have another baby. After all, we already had these 2 perfect little girls and, at least me, felt that to have any more might be getting greedy.The Big Guy and I discussed it and decided to make a decision by the time Gabs was 2.Two came and went and it was basically accepted that we were a family of 4. We both breathed a sigh of relief that we had made a decision...sort of. Gabs is now 3 and I am not sure what I feel anymore.

The Big Guy occasionally makes a joke that we need to have " a boy"..you know our illusive unicorn baby. I'm not sure if he's joking just to drive me insane or if he actually might want another baby.It starts getting hard when you see that your babies are no longer babies. Bella's in kindergarten and it feels like she already has one foot out of the door. Every day she becomes more and more independent. I realize that is what we want to happen. She is amazing but with each new miracle and milestone she performs, we know its only a matter of time that she is no longer in need of our immediate care. Then there is Gabs, who is just  so sweet and lovable and squishy but each day I can see her getting her big girl face and it breaks my heart. She is picking up everything at lightening speed because she is her sister's little clone.

Lately I have noticed myself wondering what if? How would this be? How would our lives change? I just don't know if its a genuine hunger for another baby or is it not wanting to have my options closed or am I just feeling the twitches of my uterus a little more than usual because my girls are growing up so quickly? How do you know when you are absolutely done? Obviously, it will start with a serious talk with the Big Guy.It's a little hard to broach the subject when I'm not sure how I feel myself and he's only here on the weekends. That's a pretty serious topic to hit him over the head with when he walks in the door on a random Friday evening.

 Then there is the factor that no matter how old I may feel, I am, in fact, 38. I always told myself no babies after 35. It was like this magical stopping point because of risks and statistics. Of course, I have spoken to my doctor and she says that I am perfectly healthy and another baby would not be an issue. Then again, there are NO guarantees in life. None! Have  I mentioned to you that I am a complete control freak.Then I get that feeling of tempting the fates, again.I am so conflicted. To be clear, there is no baby in the works. It's just something I've been thinking about a lot lately and I thought you ladies could weigh in.So, my question to you ...what's too old to get pregnant? How did you know that you were done having babies..for certain? I just keep having a feeling that I am supposed to be the Mommy of 3 but that could just be the baby pictures I just looked at talking. But how could these pictures not make your uterus twinge?

You do have to admit, we do good work! Look at those gorgeous little girls!