Oh my Mommy heart.

Yesterday was Sunday.Sunday's are bittersweet around here. They are simultaneously filled with big breakfasts, mass, lazy days of Halloween decorating, cuddling, mostly just being together. Unfortunately, for us, it is also always filled with certain goodbyes and impending sadness.
As most of you know, the Big Guy has been working out of state a lot of the time. This leaves me an overworked, stressed, spread much to thin Mommy.The girls are hyper emotional, dealing with some issues of abandonment, missing their Daddy, and testing my boundaries. The Big Guy is working his ass off,lonely and missing his family.It's a pretty raw deal all the way around but we make the sacrifice, well, because we have to. It's not ideal but it's what needs to be done..right now.

The good great fantastic news blessing is that he has finally gotten a permanent position with a great company. Which means soon we will all be in the same zip code.Obviously, that is AWESOME! But in the interim, until spring when we can put the house on the market, after the Nutcracker has been performed, after kindergarten graduation, we have to live for our weekends together because its all we have. We spend our days marking time until the next time we can all be together. It's quite pathetic all the way around. Don't get me wrong, we have been doing this for about 8 months and we have established a groove. About once about every 3 months, I have a major emotional breakdown. You know, things get too overwhelming and I just can't go on any longer alone. I make it to the weekend and then he says something like, "I need you to move with me now ...so you can work and I can watch the kids at night." Normally, that would be no big deal but for some reason under these circumstances they instigated a complete breakdown. First, I felt insulted that he didn't think I was working, then there was the whole he only wants us with him so that I can work, then I was broken by the fact that I am missing him terribly..in my heart, in my arms, in my bed and he is missing...my revenue? Then he told me, that he has been telling me for weeks that he misses us and wants us to be together. I've been stuck on autopilot trying to survive this situation. I am trying to do what is best for the girls, for our family...not what is necessarily good for me. Of course being together would be better for me. I could share the parenting, share the load, share my life but in my mind it's not a feasible option, so why entertain it? But he said that he felt that him missing us was not enough of a catalyst for me, so he figured since I am so concerned with our finances that he would coerce me to relocate early by threatening financial ruin.

Of course, I had a good long cry on a Sunday morning. You know of the cathartic, sobbing, hyperventilating, can't breathe, very ugly, body shaking variety and all he could do was hold me. But it was nice to have him here to hold me. We both regrouped and moved on. We went shopping, had lunch, blanketed the neighborhood as a family taking our Bella to sell her candy bars for school, visiting with all the neighbors, Then we came home and put up our giant blow up witch in the yard  and pretended to be like every other family on the block. But it was still Sunday. There is no denying when its our Sundays, the sadness is palpable and becomes almost smothering around 5:30 pm. We can pretend we are normal until then.

The Big Guy has been trying to stick around until after the girls are asleep, to help me out with bedtime /Missing Daddy meltdowns.God bless him. Of course, last night Bella went right to sleep after only a brief tantrum. But Gabs, oh my Gabs, she was nodding off in my lap as the Big Guy kissed us goodbye. We were both a little emotional because we have had to say more goodbyes in the last 8 months than most married couples do in a lifetime together. Right as he walked out the door, Gabs lifted her head and did a demonstration of my breakdown that morning.Wailing  and screaming. " Me miss my Daddy! Me want my Daddy!" After about 30 minutes,I finally calmed her down. Of course, we had 3 repeat performances last night..each time she stirred from her slumber. I tried to soothe her each time, but when a baby wants Daddy..a Mommy is a poor substitute. I just kept feeling that horrible lump in my throat( that I know so well) and a pain in my heart...my poor breaking Mommy heart!