Wanted; Silent Ninja Mommy Assistant

Seems that I , along with every other Mommy in the world, may be in need of a little help, in the way of an extra pair of arms, eyes, and ears. Not to say we should evolve into some sort of crazy mutant cyborg with highly functioning ears, eyes, and at least two MORE fully functional arms but something of the like, but not so scary. I was thinking more in the way of a Mommy assistant.I don't think its too much to ask. CEO's have assistants and all they do is run a company. Mommies raise the future, we grow babies, we produce milk for God's sake. It's a big job and we need a little help.Now, I am not referring to a nanny, though that would be nice as well, I suppose. But I really want to do this Mommy gig..hands on, so a Nanny would sort of be cheating..for me. I'm only talking about me. I don't know your situation and I'm not being judgmental. If you have a nanny at your disposal, you go girl! You are just smarter than me. You probably knew to get an epidural at 4 centimeters too. No heroics. No un-medicated transition labor for you. So I'm a little hard headed and it takes me longer to give in to reason. I learn....eventually.
Anyways, I think I just need a silent partner who sort of shadows me and picks up the slack.You know, Mommy turns her head..baby starts to roll off changing table, shadow assistant steps in and stops the whole thing from coming to fruition. Mommy needs to work out, screaming baby wakes up mid workout; no problem, ninja assistant slips in, puts kid back to sleep..Mommy gets her figure back. Mommy's running errands, she's running late; the "assistant" gets dinner started and when Mommy pulls up with sleeping kiddies...oh, yeah, you know what happens next....That wonderful, God bless her, bitch runs out to the SUV and grabs the groceries while you very quietly and meticulously remove the child from the car seat and relocate them to bed. In turn, earning yourself a well deserved hour of quiet to pay bills and hear yourself think.  I bet the Ninja Mommy Assistant would be great for fielding people at the door, unwanted phone calls, wrangling play dates gone awry.She could do laundry, dishes ( dishes would be a must), pick up laundry and toy rooms. She could read all the parenting books and highlight the important information in her nightly report to me.She could do all the other stuff while I actually get to be the Mommy! For example: I'd kiss booboos, and she would call to schedule doctors appointments. Sweet right? How amazing that would be? I'd be so much less stressed and I am sure that would make me a higher level functioning, all around much better Mommy.
So, who could fill such a tall order? A nanny does a lot of Mommying ( at least the ones I know) so that wouldn't work for me. A maid only does cleaning, not such an asset if the  kids running around the house naked with scissors. A Mommy's little helper could go either way, I think its a great idea in theory but if they are too young...you end up with another kid on your hands. A babysitter, well, that conjures images of a teenager eating pizza, and texting waiting to get slashed in a B movie while she's supposed to be watching my kids... so that doesn't really sound all that appealing. Nothing like putting a kid who attracts Micheal Myers into the situation. No thanks. A Daddy is prefect except for the fact that most Daddy's are missing the "ears" part, I swear they never hear kids yelling and bickering (it's the thing I envy about my husband the most). But no one else could love or have the kids best interest at heart as much as a Daddy...except for a Mommy , of course!
I guess its just my own issue. But I do know unequivocally that I can use some assistance. Hmmm, I wonder how that whole cloning business is coming. Then I could have a helper that would do everything I expected, in exactly the same way as I would do it myself. It would be me times two. Perfection!Oh wait, me and myself having PMS at the same time..yikes bad idea.All the "extra" hands in the world aren't worth that. Guess its back to the drawing board. But if anyone knows of a silent ninja Mommy assistant that would fit the bill, send her my way. I'd even take a Nanny McPhee, but no Mary Poppins.I Ms. Poppins gets a little too attached to the kiddies for my taste. You can never be too careful these days. Happy Mothering!