Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Mommy Porn; Bow Chika Bow WOW

Get your mind out of the gutters, Ladies.I was just thinking today about how much my life has changed since having my girls. I was a very semi  more private person before I had my girls. Well, maybe not private ( that's a very loose interpretation) but there were absolutely things that were only between myself and God. You know like pooping, waxing, changing a tampon, masturbating ( Yeah, when was the last time I had the time or energy for that?  The only rabbit getting any action in this house is Jack..my daughter's lovey. My rabbit, well,that poor bastard has been buried under an inch of dust for about the last..I don't know, 5 years!)
Anyways, that got the wheels turning and I began to realize that when I say I have not a single minute of privacy a day..I am not exaggerating in the least. Every day is like a surprise party. You know...trying to wipe your ass...SURPRISE!! Or trying to wax your lip with a little dignity...SURPRISE, we see you! Try to shave your legs...SURPRISE! Oops, Mommy..why you leg bleeding? Umm, because Mommy just shaved half her ankle off when you "Surprised" her. Yes, its not for the weak. I remember , naive fool that I was, I was so 'embarrassed' that my ass was hanging out of my night gown when I was in labor with my first. It about drove me nuts ( until transition labor that was) thinking  of all these strangers seeing my big ass hanging out. Yeah, who knew that was the beginning of the end for me. Now, nothing is private. Hell, if my ass hanging out for a few hours was my greatest imposition..life would be sweet. I feel like one of those online video chat hookers/ porn stars without all the sexiness or money. Nope, its just me..doing all my most intimate things with an audience of the 3 and 5 year old version and the pay's pretty shitty. Well, I do have a full account of hugs and cuddles but on the flip side, I'm missing half my ankle.
Now, Mommy porn..well, it used to be some hot steamy man doing God knows what to some poor unsuspecting damsel in distress. Rocking her world and punishing her all at the same time, with really bad acting and cheesy music...that was mandatory. Usually, something my husband chose that took place on the high seas. Maybe a pirate or two...argh! It started with a massage in front of the fireplace and ended with my new perma audience. No thank you sir, I will pass on that porn!
If you ask me today, my qualifications for good porn..my "Mommy porn" if you will; I want a hot man with a cut up chest and tight ass,working up a heavy sweat....cleaning my house....in silence!Oh life, you have come full circle! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW!!!

Disclaimer: No man was hurt in this photo and no rabbit has been used in the presence of my children! Just in case, you were confused and thinking I was some sort of warped brain defect. I am not. Happy Mothering!

10 comments:

  1. Loved this! I can totally relate, and I only have one kid. My cats just pop up whenever you least expect them to. And where ever...

    Oh yes. The Joys of Motherhood!!

    Bow Chicka Bow WOW!

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  2. hahahaha....LOL! Yes, funny how life changes. Now the things that turn me on is when my husband loads the dishes without being asked, or brings home dinner so I don't have to cook. That is our romance these days :)

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  3. I recently shaved off half my ankle too - my boys were horrified at the amount of blood, and it was difficult to explain to them WHY exactly it had happened...

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  4. Too funny. And here I thought this was going to be *hot.* Well, it was. Sorta.

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  5. That is great, and when he's done w/ your house, can you send him to mine?

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  6. You totally made me laugh tonight....loved this post!!! It's so true...after babies there is no point in hiding anything. You've had so many people see your who who that it just doesn't matter anymore!!!
    Love the photo!!!

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  7. Awesome post and Pic!! :)

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    Have a great weekend! :)
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  8. I'm a dad and I wasn't too sure I was supposed to be reading this at work, but it sure was funny.

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  9. Hello! I came over to read your "Getting To Know You" post...and ended up on this one. I just wanted to say I love it. It's so true!! I wasn't much of a modest/private person in the world - but going through those monthly appt's & labor & delivery throws modesty out the window!
    Great post :)

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