The Clothing Crisis of 2010

Remember the good old days when you were trying to change your baby who was, in fact a cruiser or even walking but not quite potty trained, and it was like an episode of the WWF?( or more like WTF, if you were me) Every single time you'd try to diaper them,they would flip over ,quick as lightening, and try to escape, usually before you had gotten the chance to fasten the damn diaper. It was like some crazy game they liked to play and they ALWAYS won. You were left with a naked baby running crawling free and an overwhelming feeling of frustration. Oh, the frustration.Finally, you'd wrangle them back to the ground and in split second put the diaper on.It was like a rodeo event.Then they would gleefully, smirking crawl of into the sunset.You may have thought you won the battle, but really, who was crawling away smiling and who was annoyed? Think about it.

OR the days of trying to fix your hair as you ran away and I had to run right along with you to get those dang ponytails and barette into your hair!Anyways, that battle was cake compared to the battle I am facing with my now 5 year old..every single morning before school, every single time she changes out of her uniform, every single time she gets ready for bed!EVERY.SINGLE.TIME! We argue about what she is going to wear.Have I mentioned she goes to private school and wears a uniform? You would assume that would eliminate some of my headache, right? You would be wrong.Completely wrong!

No way, she still finds a way to argue. Different skirt.Wrong shoes.Knee socks,Short socks. Blue socks. White socks.Corduroy skirt.Pleated skirt.Long sleeve shirt. Navy shirt. White shirt. Baby blue polo.Button up.Navy sweater. Navy sweater with hoodie.Gym shoes. Brown shoes. Mary Janes.Fancier headband. Hair down.Braids. No ponytail.Ponytail.Not high enough! It is like this every single morning and it is driving me insane.Completely out of my mind! It's way worse than that cute little adorable flipping WWF move she did when she was 10 months old.Oh, how I miss the days when that was the most sass she gave me.

I'm beginning to wonder if hormones don't kick in around the age of 4. I know that we all assumed it was at puberty but I'm pretty sure my girl is having mood swings now.Damn,I even go the organic route to avoid all the extra hormones specifically to avoid the early onset of hormone influx.Jokes on me!Guess all that $9 milk was a waste of money.Of course, I will continue to buy it for the risk that it could be worse if she were drinking the hormone laden milk.I 'll just wait for the days when I look back on these days and long for them.For now, how I miss my little naked WWF wrestler.Wasn't that just yesterday?

Oh, how I could go for some flip flopping baby running naked and free!Don't blink these moments are fleeing and I am going to stop and soak them all in.Even the clothing crisis of 2010, for all its worth! Happy Mothering!

Daddy the superhero

Every morning, I keep seeing the Mommies attached to their hysterical children, clinging to their legs/waists for dear life and sobbing uncontrollably.And every morning, I thank God that Bella isn't doing that. Mostly because I couldn't handle it. I just can't imagine how that would wear on your heartstrings, day after day, watching as your child baby is overcome with fear and anxiety at leaving the safety and love of their Mommies arms. I do realize that if Bella were doing this, you could find me every single morning after drop off, emotionally crumpled in a puddle of tears and snot. It would be awful for both of us. I mean I am, after all, the Mommy who laid in labor with her second child, crying at a cell phone photo of her first born, because I felt so sorry for abandoning her to go to the hospital and give birth. Yeah, the apron strings are pretty taut between me and my Bella. But I loosen them as needed, for her sake. I am mature enough to know that I have to let her grow up, no matter how much I may not like the idea.Then Monday came.

There was absolutely nothing special per se about Monday, at least not noticeable to the untrained eye. The only thing that was different, was that the Big Guy had gone back to Iowa on Sunday night. You know to his hole that he lives in for work during the weekdays.Sunday's are always hard on all of us but I had totally forgot about this Monday.I have noticed over the years that though I may be Bella's "Best Friend" ( as she lovingly refers to me), Daddy has always been her rock. There is just something about a 6'5" man, with a big strong body and an equally as big heart, that makes a girl feel safe and makes it easy to draw strength from. That is the Big Guy. Monday morning we followed the same routine that we had on Thursday and Friday; the absolute only thing missing was her Daddy. There were no tears from my Bella amidst the plethora of tears falling that morning amongst her classmates. I assumed all was fine.

When Gabs and I picked Bella up from school that afternoon, she seemed a little rattled as if something were missing. In retrospect, she was looking for the Big Guy. We drove home, as she rattled off the days events at a furied pace. We got home and things started going south. She proclaimed, almost angrily, that she didn't like her outfit and promptly discarded it onto the floor. I was a little annoyed and quite confused by her behavior. I asked her to pick up her clothes; she responded with whining. I asked her close the front door; she responded with tears. I asked her what she wanted for lunch; she barked a hostile "NOTHING!" at me. The responses were becoming increasingly inappropriate to, what I thought was, seemingly innocuous requests. It was quickly a train wreck speeding out of control from bad to worse. Then Gabs had the audacity to ask her how school was; then the sobbing began.A fly landed on her and all hell broke lose! I was baffled. Is a 5 year old supposed to get PMS?

Concern trumped annoyance and I asked, in every possible way, what was wrong. After an eternity of sobbing and undecipherable blubbering, once she hit the point f hyperventilation from hard and ugly  crying, she had Gabs joining in  on the hysteria. I was a hair away from breaking down myself. Then she leans in and wraps her little arms around me, hugging me tighter than she has in a LONG time ( tighter than all those aforementioned Kindergartners holding on for dear life to their Mommies) and whispers this through her sobs (in her little baby kitty sounding voice) "Mommy, I don't want to go to school. I just want to stay home with you and Gabs!I only love Mommy!" How could I not feel my insides turn to goo and my heart start to fall apart?

I held back my own tears,even though I wanted to curl up into a crumpled mess of snot and tears on the floor. It made me realize how hard all of this Daddy being out of town business has been on the girls. Sure its been difficult on the Big Guy and I but we are adults, most of the time. She misses her Rock and the collateral damage was a small nervous breakdown. I held her tight for almost forever and then a little longer and told her how we were so proud of her for being so brave and going to school. I told her how much we loved her, about all the exciting things she will do, the friends she will make and that Daddy wished he could be here with her. Then I told her, whenever she felt sad and missed us,to close her eyes and think of us and we would be at home thinking of her at the same time, because we are always thinking about her. We ended it with a nose kiss, a group hug, and a promise to walk her into class the next morning.

She called her Daddy in Iowa and he assured her that he was so proud of her, loved her more than life itself, and that he was thinking of her always. She seemed to take comfort in this.Apparently, everything sounds better coming out of his mouth. He also told her that we would send a photo to school in her backpack of all of us together. She hung up the phone, renewed and relaxed. Her entire body unclenched. Daddy the superhero. In the end, she felt better; we felt worse about the letting go. She grew up and we broke down. The letting go is the hardest part of growing up.

The Begining, the End, & a lot of Deep Breaths Inbetween!

Last night, I came slightly undone from a book( The Night Before Kindergarten) and then I proceeded to have a complete meltdown when Bella misplaced her beloved Fifi ( the lovey she has had her entire life and she can't sleep without). I totally thought I had a grip on all of this first day stuff. I mean , I am reasonable, I knew there would be emotions. My undoing by the book, I did not anticipate. But after I put her to bed, she came out of her room asking for her beloved Fifi. It all suddenly became very critical. It was like I felt as if I were smothering and my only salvation was to find that damn lovey. I was brought to tears by the misplacement of the little, fuzzy ball of pink.It wasn't really the pink poodle, it was that it was so symbolic of her being little. How could that damn dog disappear on such a vital night of her short existence? Then it all got put into perspective, very calmly Bella said: "Mommy, its OK, I'll try and sleep without her tonight."
( Inside my head conversation) WHAT????NO, NOT YET! It's TOO SOON!You NEED the dog. YOU are JUST a BABY!!!MY BABY!
It hurt so bad but I was so proud of her. Is this kid awesome or what? Especially considering what a basket case her Mommy has become in the past week. Of course, we found Fifi. I think we searched more for my soothing than hers, but in the end, we all slept better.

This morning, I awoke with a stomach ache. The same exact one I got every day before my own first day of school. She woke up about a half hour before the alarm went off. She was so excited and I was so excited for her. Being a Mother on days like this is much like being a little bit rapid cycling bi polar, your emotions are all over the place.One minute you are overjoyed and the next crying like a sad little baby. The morning went off without a hitch. She put on her "lucky underwear" as she calls them, her knee socks, special headband that she chose for the first day ( because "Mommy, I need a little sparkle), and her uniform ( her "Unicorn " as her baby sister calls it) and she twirled and squealed, and struck a couple poses.

Then she strapped on her brand new backpack that she was so proud of, grabbed her matching lunch box and she bounded for the car. I was lagging behind because I knew the moment that I walked through that door, I walked into a new phase of our lives. I lingered in the doorway for a solid minute before closing it behind me.

We arrived at school and she jumped out of the car,so excited. Gabs (the same child who had a complete meltdown at last year's first day of preschool) right behind her, like a baby duck following her mother..both ahead of me and the Big Guy. Because as you remember from yesterday's post, the Big Guy was there to hold my hand as I let go of Bella's.

So, she gets in line with a the new Kindergartners. As she walked away, she wavered ever so slightly. But she lifted her head and kept walking forward. This is so symbolic of what kind of child she is. She never cries about it, she chin ups and sucks it all right up and  gets through it. She is very stoic for a 5 year old. How I admire her braveness.

She got in line and the little girl behind her was holding on to her Mommy for dear life and crying  sobbing uncontrollably. Then it became like watching your baby start to fall over when they are learning to walk, Bella's little lip started to quiver and I could see her becoming overcome with emotion. I quickly got in her line of sight and flashed her the biggest smile I have ever smiled. I just wanted to be her sunshine and assure her that this day was going to be awesome! She quickly recovered, I grabbed her hand and we walked inside together.

After the long walk down to her room ( I have a pretty good idea what it feels like walking on death row to your execution now) we got to her hook and the her classroom. The Big Guy, myself, Gabs and Bella all took a deep breath and walked into the room ( another door). We stumbled to her seat, fumbled to put on her name tag as the Big Guy and Gabs videotaped from the reading rug.

I stood by my Bella and smiled at her and watched as her trepidation evolved into excitement once again. Then the dreaded words, " Children please give your parents a big hug goodbye and tell them you will see them in a bit!" ( At least that's the best I can remember of what they said, as I was fighting back tears and it was taking all my will to contain myself in front of my girl). Gabs embraced her sister like she was sending her off to war, the Big Guy hugged and kiss her repeatedly and pulled back teary eyed ( so much for being my strength). Lastly, I bent down and whispered to Bella, " Be friends with the sad little girl." Bella"I will Mommy" Me: "Bella, I am so proud of you! Have a great day! I love you so much and we are so proud of you!"Bella:"I know Mommy!I love you too!" Then I lingered and held the hug for longer than I should have and I kissed her more than I thought possible and then she said this giggling:" Mommy, stop kissing me so much. You are going to squish me to death on my first day of KINDERGARTEN!" I kissed her one more time, I took a deep breath, and I let go of her little hand and I walked out the door! My eyes were wet, my heart was sad, my daughter was amazing!

 

And now I am off to Parent's Night! Wish me luck!

Trepidation running amuck

So, tomorrow my Bella starts the big K (DUMDUMDUMDDUMDUUUUUM) Kindergarten! I knew I might be emotional tomorrow, and I still suspect am positive that I will be. I assumed that it was going to be like last year, Gabs would have the break down which would trickle down unto me causing me in the end..to weep sob uncontrollably in the shelter of my SUV. That's probably still going to happen. I called in reinforcements. The Big Guy is coming home a day early to hold my hand as I let go of my Bella's. ( Oh shit, I think I am going to tear up just writing this. What a hot mess I will be tomorrow morning).Everything is ready. Bags are packed, papers signed, snack ready, clothes laid out; commence the letting go ( Oh how I hate the letting go).
But tonight, surprise, I was hit with a little ninja style, around the back of the head when your not looking emotional kick. It sorta reminds me of the morning that I was about to marry the Big Guy. I was fine; excited, in the moment about to marry the BIG GUY / the man of my dreams (Squeal) then it happened. As I was getting dressed,  I slyly looked out the window of the rectory and spied my betrothed,there in the church garden, smiling the biggest and happiest smile I had ever seen and taking his photos with the groomsmen. I slowly & silently pulled back from the window and it hit me like a 20 ton pile of bricks, " You are about to be this mans wife...FOREVER!" It wasn't just the enormity of the life altering event at hand, it was the realization that I had not a clue what it all had meant until that moment in the window. The weight of my life changing forever, even for the best it could ever be, was in fact still a humongous change. It was the symbol of who I was dying and metamorphosing into who I was becoming. It was HUGE! I was rattled, right there in my bright white wedding gown; completely disarmed by the man I love's smile.
Tonight, as I was in my routine, getting the girls ready for bed. I was lying in bed snuggled up with my Bella reading her The Night before Kindergarten and before I knew it, another damn 20 ton pile of bricks fell on me. The enormity of my baby starting Kindergarten. This is life changing for all of us but most of all for her. For me, it is the first of many, many, many lettings go ( total SUCK for me) but for her it is the beginning for so many opportunities. It truly is the first day of the rest of her life. I am so excited for her and I want to let her know that it is OK to be frightened but excited because that is what all the good  great things in life feel like. It breaks my heart a tiny bit that she is becoming so independent and growing up so fast but I am so thankful that for a little while I got to be the center of her world. She will always be the center of mine. Happy first day of Kindergarten,Bella! Mommy loves  you and is so proud of you!

I'll let you know tomorrow how well I actually held up! Happy Mothering!