The Stoop

As I stand on the front stoop watching my husband pull away for the 17th Sunday, bound for his hole in Iowa, my throat closes up and I feel like I will be swallowed whole by the huge lump in my esophagus and my eyes burn and sting as they get a little watery. I watch my girls run down the sidewalk waving and screaming , "Bye Daddy, I love you!" and my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces inside. Every week it stings my very core; every single time.Some times worse than others, but always. I really loathe all this single mothering that I've been doing lately but more than that I hate that we are all getting used to it, comfortable even.
The girls are getting used to not having Daddy around, and I am getting used to handling things on my own, and sometimes when he's here, I think he feel's like he is out of place in his own home. That is what really bothers me. Isn't this how people drift apart? Isn't this how families fall apart? I love my husband, and he loves me but if you get used to not having someone around, pretty soon won't you stop missing one another?
When your husband travels for work, its not consistent and its random and you learn to deal with it by looking forward to the next time he returns. But when your husband has a residence in a whole other state for a job because his office is there and you KNOW he will be gone for at least 4 of the days of the week, its a little harder to swallow. There is no room for superfluous personal days or no chance of  no travel because every week you know, come Sunday after noon..he's pulling away and you are left on the stoop. It thought being married meant someone to share your life with. Recently, I feel like I am a kept woman. I have someone to pay the bills. We're getting to the point where we are forgetting to tell each other the little things that happen in our day to day and that scares me. Pretty soon we won't know each other. I can deal with geographic distance but not emotional distance. I mean, I never thought I'd be married and alone.
What do I do? Do I tell him to quit and come home because I need my friend, my partner, my husband? Or do I just keep going on ignoring the fact that this is really hard and slowly becoming impossible.Some days, I am okay with it. Other days, I can hardly bare it.I am lonely and I miss our relationship. The day to day, seeing each other, talking about nothing, sharing laughs and feelings, stolen glances and touches. Now, everything is forced into a weekends time and its not enough.
I feel like such an ungrateful asshole. I know I should be filled with gratitude that he has a job at all in this economy but its extremely hard when you've spent every day of the past 13 years with this man and suddenly you are living separate lives. I know he is just as lonely there but some days I feel overwhelmed with all the responsibility of holding it all together. Some days, its just too much.But what do you do when you have bills to pay and kids to feed, mortgages, groceries, and school loans? You suck it up, you be a grown up, you get out of the fetal position, stop crying and stand on that damn stoop and wave goodbye and hope its not for the last time.

The Proposal, Part Deux

This  past weekend was the big guy and my 11th wedding anniversary. It was pretty special since last year for our 10th, he had just been downsized and our whole life was up in the air. Not much celebrating went on last year.This year however, was a completely different story.  Is it really possible that I can be more in love with this man by the day? 

We met in college, at a bar, through a mutual friend. He very nonchalantly looked down at me ( since he is a towering 6'5" ) and said, "Hey". I barely warranted a nod. I thought, "What an asshole!" Anyways, fast forward 4 months and there he is in yet another bar proposing. I was shocked and ill prepared for such a question.We had been dating exclusively since a few days after the "hey" incident but isn't 4 months really soon? Did I mention he asked me in the middle of a bar? No big drop down to your knee with a ring, hush over the crowd, as the DJ booth announces that the big guy needs quiet. No, just a "will you marry me?" in the middle of the dance floor, in the middle of a dance, in a middle of a night of drinking. WTF? I was shocked. I was flattered. I was confused. I was lucky. It took me a couple days to give him an answer, because as I mentioned..I was shocked. In 4 months, I was not expecting a ring. But, being the list making thinker that I was I thought about it and realized listen to your heart, " Are you crazy girl? Its too soon. Then I thought to myself, are you crazy girl...he's amazing and you love him. This is the way it was all going to end up anyways. He just figured it out first!(That's why I'm lucky)." Then I said yes, then I got a ring. He liked it but he wasn't forking out money to put a ring on it if I didn't say yes. I did tell you we were in college, right? Anyways, that was my first proposal back on January 28, 1998. The one that I found out later was supposed to be a Valentine's Day proposal ( how romantic) but he was nervous and jumped the gun...that's why he didn't actaully have a ring on him.

For our 5th wedding anniversary, he got me an upgraded ring. My original one was beautiful and it is very special to me but my 5 year one was something else. Lots of sparkle and shine, just like I like. Then he whisked me off to a hot and steamy vacation for two in New Orleans. I came home with really frizzy hair from the heat, and I'm pretty sure all the booze and love gave me our first daughter. Talk about a souvenir!

Fast forward, 6 years later to our do over 10 year anniversary ( our 11th anniversary) and the big guy has once again, shocked me! Oh yes, Ladies he came home ( from out of town work) and the girls were napping. He had a sandwich and sat dawn and watched a little bit of trash tv the Real Housewives of New York with me. He let me ramble on about some inane scenario that was taking place and then he left the room. I figured he went out to use the bathroom, check his email, who knows. We've been married for 11 years, I don't ask him where he's going every time he leaves the room, anymore. I am sitting there mind you with my grimy gardening clothes one, hair pulled back in a bun..crazy curls sprouting everywhere from the humidity...not a stitch of make up on. I turn around and I be damned if he is not next to my chair on his knee. Yes his KNEE. I have been waiting for this my whole life. It was "the proposal" , I always wanted and never got. But I figured as long as the guy was the right one, who cares if the proposal wasn't what I had always dreamed of.  I heard him saying "Now, will you marry me?" I think. I was in such shock. I was so happy, I grabbed that ring and hugged his neck and squeezed him and kissed him and said " Of course!" ( We are planning a vow renewal for our 15th..some place warm). Now, I know what that crazy reaction is that women have when they are asked to marry the man of their dreams when they have been waiting for it..expecting it. The ring is gorgeous. I am totally in love with my new ring, almost as much as I am with my husband. It is very special to me because it is actually the ring I was proposed to with! To top it all off, the next day ( our actual anniversary) we had a wonderful date ( alone without children) and it was amazing hanging out with my best friend, soul mate, man of my dreams and just talk and hear and see one another. Then I found out he was going to propose that night at the restaurant..drop to his knee,in the restaurant..how romantic. There he goes jumping the gun..again! I so love this man. I can't believe that he still makes my heart swoon. Thanks baby for being everything I never knew, I always wanted! Te amo!

Better than Ice cream

In a couple days, my husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary(we married when we were 19..not really but its the only way the math works if I am perpetually 30) and it has me feeling a little (how shall we say it) romantic! So this is for you baby! Because  for to me, you are better than ice cream. That's saying a lot considering my love affair with ice cream. I could give up all other food, but not ice cream. Never ice cream!

Happy Valentine's Day,Baby!

Make a Smilebox greeting