Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How the Grinch almost Stole Mommy

The holidays for me are usually all warmth and fuzziness, mostly. Don't get me wrong they are chocked full of craziness but right underneath the surface of all the chaos, complete happiness is bubbling its way to the surface and about to spill over. But for some reason, this year things feel... off. It all looks great on paper, we are doing all the things that should be done to make wonderful memories for our girls but for some reason, I don't feel like my heart is in it. I don't feel the bubbly goodness rising to the top as it should be this far into December.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am watching the finances closely since this year has been full of new jobs, relocations and maintaining separate households, which is nothing to speak of the fact that our whole life has been suspended and not quite right with the Big Guy not living here. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with being overwhelmed by the to do lists and not enough time to accomplish the tasks at hand. I have been buried under snow for most of December and there's been no time for shopping, baking, enjoying. Its been a series of appointments and dates. Truly, I feel like my girls are being jipped out of their Christmas. I've been so  caught up in all the obligations that I've been snapping at my girls and firing snark from my mouth like an AK-47.I know on more than one occasion, lately, I've given them the "are you retarded?" look and may have even said something to that effect, but not quite as awful. But the sentiment was there and that is as guilty as saying the words themselves. Thoughts become words and words become actions.Well, even thinking that makes me a really horrible Grinch of a mother, in my book. I don't want to be THAT person.I don't want my girls to think it even fathomable that I could mean such awful words.The thought of them believing that I think they are anything less than amazing or that my love is conditional upon whether or not they are pleasing to me, makes me sick to my stomach.I want to be happy, excited and gay. I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses.

Christmas is not about things to do, places to be or presents to open; Christmas is about love, peace and people.I want my girls to look back on their childhood Christmases and remember the cuddles in front of the fire, spontaneous Christmas cookie baking, making fudge with Daddy, snowball fights, and watching Christmas Movies; staying up late to put cookies out for Santa and going to mass with the whole family.It's firsts snows and snow angels.It's togetherness.It's a series of moments that form a lifetime. I want it to be a feeling in their heart.I want it to be the spirit of something larger than us; of hope, love and joy. I'm clearing out the clutter of my life and my mind and going forth, my only true obligation is going to be to see to it that my girls are happy.Everything else is secondary.  

Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas,
Come this way! Come this way! 


  1. your photos are stunning and your words re: the real meaning of christmas are beautiful and sentimental. and as for those less-than-fuzzy moments? been there, done that, it *will* get better. sending good thoughts your way! :)

  2. I'm pretty sure that the fact that you *care* that you *think* you are being a less than stellar Mommy says it all. Even the best Mommy has her moments. And in my opinion? 10 " I love you and you are wonderful"s make up for an occasional opsie "What is WRONG with you?!?!" Just sayin'...

  3. Love the pictures! Makes me want to take my girls up to the snow ASAP!

  4. Loved that post. Sorry you have been feeling so glum. Christmas seems to be a tough time for me as well. A lot of memories and I try to stifle them until after the holiday. Hang in there and let the season take its wonderful grasp on you. hugs

  5. Honestly, this post made me tear up. I am so right there with you. I just cannot get into the Christmas spirit this year. I am dreading Christmas shopping, something I usually love. The thing that is saving me right now is the look on my girls faces every evening when they open their advent calendar/house, which lights up and plays music. Their faces are filled with such joy and wonder, it gives me a little taste of Christmas even if it is just for 30 seconds. I hope you are able to find some Christmas joy soon!

  6. I have sat here freezing looking at those pictures!
    The Grinch almost stole me as well, and well he's still trying very hard to. I'm fighting it, but I find it especially hard to.

  7. You're not alone. The holidays always seem to be so stressful for me. Not only do I have the holidays, but my daughter's birthday too. It just keeps piling on. And often I find myself in a mood where anything we do is just not fun because it's just something we have to check off the to-do list. But this Christmas, I've been consciously trying to focus on the fun and not the details. Note that "TRYING" is the key word.

    Hang in there momma!

  8. @Galit,
    I'm focusing on the positive and forgetting the rest moving forward.It's going to be the jolliest, falalalalaiest,unicorns and rainbows Christmas that I can salvage!Next wk, after the NUTCRACKER its going to be all about the homemade gifts for everyone:)

  9. @ Mama B,
    Thanks for trying to make me feel better! I only wish I could be as forgiving of myself! I just don't want them to start to believe the hype ( the nasty sentiments). I want my "you're perfect"s to be the consensus, not my way of making my shitty moments better.I'm starting to feel like those men who abuse their wives and then spend all their time saying "I'm Sorry"I'm getting a new attitude!

  10. @Chelsea,
    Thanks and you are most certainly welcome to all of our snow. These photos were taken on Saturday, we've gotten about 10 more inches since then!LOL We have it to spare and more on its way!

  11. @4timesblessed,
    Thanks for the hugs. I have checked the crap attitude. I guess I've got caught under the avalanche of shit that has been falling on my head lately.I;m digging to the surface and I see the girls smiling faces!

  12. @ Erin,
    You know even 30 seconds of bright and sunny gorgeous smiles of our kid is better than nothing.I've decided that I'm going to enjoy the remainder of the season.Big Hugs to you and hope you can slow down and enjoy the sentiment behind the season!You deserve it!

  13. @ Day2Day,
    Girl don;t let that nasty old Grinch steal your happiness.Focus on the positive and try and prioritize. So what if we cant get everything done..its not about the destination, it really is about the journey!Let's make it a good one!

  14. @Jennifer,
    Awesome! At least you are trying and aware of it.You have halfway won the battle! Just prioritize and do what feels good.Let that Id go wild, you deserve it! Happy Holidays and big hugs!

  15. You're not the only Mama who has acted like the Grinch lately! Many a times I have to stop my bad mood, stress or frustration from filtering through to my kids. I love Christmas and am exciting about being with the family part but the xmas shopping part sucks. You've been bombarded with tons of snow! No wonder you're stressed too. I feel for ya ... and I send you great, big hugs because ... you deserve them:)
    Loved the pictures of the girls in the snow! So darn cute they are ...

  16. By the looks of your girls, your words don't seem to have harmed them.
    But I do feel your pain. I'm the evil grinch EVERY year, firing off directives for wishlists (b/c they are a chore), NOT decorating my house (we travel) and forgetting to shop for the most important 2 people in my life (DH, DD).
    And its sad, b/c I do love Christmas, the music, the tradition, the opportunity to snuggle with loved ones and cups of eggnog.
    Get the Big Guy home, you'll perk up.
    You're in my thoughts (and prayers too...we grinches need all the help we can get!)

  17. Girl, I know you are a great mom! Those pictures don't lie. Do you see those happy faces? It's okay. We all get stressed sometimes and are short with our kids. But when you have them as your #1 priority like I know you do, they feel that unconditional love and they are happy. I love this: "I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses." This is such a beautiul way to express what we all feel as moms. We can't be perfect every second. But we try. And YOU are doing an amazing job!! I love you!


Love to hear your thoughts on my truth! Please leave some love, insight , or even disagreement with mine. I believe in free thought and speech. Happy Mothering!!