The TRUTH about Motherhood

Resolving to Incite a Revolution in 2011

2011-01-03T10:53:00.002-05:00

I am way past the point of making resolutions.After all, what the hell is a resolution anyways, nothing more than an empty promise, a flimsy threat at the most.Nope this year, I am declaring war. I'm inciting a revolution.I am resigning myself to a little shock and awe!

*No MORE Cheating! You heard me. I don't mean that I'm cheating on the Big Guy, never! I mean cheating on diets, cheating myself out of life, cheating myself short on opportunities, cheating my girls out of my complete attention and devotion.

*Embracing Exhaustion! Oh yeah, I am about to make it my mission to exhaust every single iota of potential that these bones have in them. No more sitting on the sidelines letting life happen to me or waiting for things to be done for me, this broad is grabbing life by the balls and making him my bitch. I am going to work this potential so hard, its not going to know which way is up. As the old cheer goes, "Be aggressive..B*EE* EE Agressive!" I'm about to be the change I want to see in my world!

*Organization, Organization, Location! I am a planner, a scheduler, a write it down on paper and DOER! Life seems to have gotten out of control.I don't mean a little bit off kilter, I mean it has spun right the hell off its axis.Well, NO MORE! Hey, life! Guess what? I AM IN CHARGE..NOT YOU! So, I'm putting pen to paper ( yes, I'm old school like that sometimes) and I'm making a schedule. I'm waking up earlier, getting more sleep, not rushing through life because I've planned accordingly, and ( because I am still a bit reckless) I'm even allowing copious amounts of free time for spontaneity.

*Love Hard, Love often! I am making sure that the Big Guy and the girls know how much I love them and how important they are to me. I'm not referring to telling them, speaking the words. I do this already, several times a day. In fact, I've told the girls ( constantly) since birth "Guess what? I have a secret.Want to know what it is?" They used to get all excited, their eyes like saucers and ask"Yes, Mommy. What is it?" My answer, I'd bend down and whisper in their tiny ear ," I Love you more than anything." Now, they just give me a sheepish smile and say, "What is it Mommy? Tell me!" But more than saying the words, I want to show them with my thoughts and actions.I want to be present in every moment with these family and friends that I have been blessed to be surrounded by in my life. I want them to know in their heart that when I say "I love you" it means..forever, for always, for good, for bad, for ups, for downs, for skinny, for fat, for Always. When they speak, I want them to know I am listening and that what they say matters to me. No more decorum.I am loving on my littles, the Big Guy, my family and friends with an embarrassing amount of exuberance. I want them to feel it to their core...I love them.

*Prioritize, Perspective, and Present The only way to get it all done, in conjunction with my handy schedule, I have to prioritize what's really important to me and my family. This depends on my perspective. I am choosing to utilize my own perspective ..finally. I am not considering all the outside factors, aside from my girls. I'm also willfully choosing to see life as ALWAYS half full and at my dispense because, in reality, it is. My only limitations have been those I've set upon myself. No more! Last but not least, I'm living in the moment. I'm embracing every stinking moment as it happens. I'm not planning for next year, next week, tomorrow...I'm living in the now..RIGHT NOW,with my girls and the Big Guy. I want to enjoy the small things of my life as they happen, not in 20 years in retrospect as a memory. I want to feel the full effect of my life.

*Forgiveness I am forgiving myself for not being perfect. I am not the perfect wife. I am not the perfect Mom. I am not the perfect friend or daughter.I don't have the perfect body. I don't have the perfect house. My temper leaves something to be desired. I over extend myself. I expect too much from myself and others. I fall short, in a lot of ways. But that doesn't mean that my efforts do not have merit. I am hitting reset for everyone I know. I'm passing out forgiveness like kool aid at a Jonestown party. NO more Mommy guilt, no more fatty McFatty guilt, no more I'm not the perfect wife.My house is disheveled. My kids aren't perfect.No more, I wish I was Bree Van De Kamp bullshit. From this moment forward, I am going to try my best at every endeavor that I choose to undertake with my priority being excelling at being a good example of a the kind of woman I want my daughters to see me as. I will never be perfect, and that is perfectly acceptable, as long as I am living my life as the best me.

*Incite a Revolution I'm initiating a change in my way of life. I am actively taking steps to become the person that I want to be.That woman who lives inside of me and has been too afraid for a long time to take a gamble.The woman who, even though I hate to admit this, I have realized has been so afraid of failure that I have let it stave off success. No More! No more excuses. I'm not afraid of failure anymore.If I fall, I will just pick myself up and try, try again!But today, I am inciting a revolution between the version of myself that I've let myself get comfortable with and the woman I know I can be. I'm starting by setting fire to excuses and self doubt and I'm marching forward with self confidence.

What have you resolved to incite revolution about in your New Year? How are you going to go about succeeding? Happiest of New Years! Hang on to your hats ladies, it's going to be battle of epic proportions but everything worth having in this life is worth fighting for!

What a Difference a Decade makes

2010-12-31T13:30:00.002-05:00

As I sit here on the precipice of a new decade, I can't help but reflect on the past 10 years. Ten years ago, I was celebrating my second New Year's eve as a married woman; the still newly dubbed Mrs. Beck. We were living in North Carolina for the first time ever. I was hundreds of miles from everything and every one I had ever known. My life was changing in leaps and bounds. I was in my mid twenties, starting a new graduate program at a new university, in a new state. It may as well have been a new part of the world. I was working in a new field, doing a job that I had never planned on doing. It was liberating and it was frightening. I was learning new things about myself daily.Up to that point in my life, I hadn't really been living so much as traveling from point A to point B. Suddenly, I was left alone with just the Big Guy and my thoughts in my world. That was the year that I really began to define myself and learn to be not who everyone thought I should be but to become who I really was on the inside, free of any paradigm. It was exhilarating to discover the me buried under the sister, the daughter, the friend. The world was my oyster.Possibilities were endless and all I needed to do was figure out what I wanted to do with all this new found liberation from expectation.

Fast forward, 4 New Years later and we are celebrating our 5th year of marriage in our first home in Tennessee. We were 7 months pregnant with or planning to plan baby, Bella. My belly way burgeoning, my heart was bursting and I just knew in my heart that something astonishing was right around the corner in our lives.You know that feeling of excitement and fear that takes hold of you and then catapults you at lightening speed head first smack dab into the middle of your life? As you stand there looking down the barrel of the impending changes, your heart is racing but you are happy to be hurled. You take one last deep breath, step up to your turn and embrace it with a fervor, whatever may come. That is exactly where I was sitting on that New Years Eve. I had no concept what being a Mommy would feel like, what it would entail and the depth and breadth in which it would genuinely change my existence...the very way that I moved through the world.

Fast forward, 2 New Years later,the Big Guy, our then 18 month old Bella and myself sit in our second home... in Indiana. Again, I am sitting with a burgeoning belly and a bursting heart. We are expecting our second child and all is right in the world. What more could I want out of this world? My cup of life overflowed with love. At that moment, I felt like I had everything that I had ever imagined I could need in my life. People spend their entire lives searching for the kind of relationship that the Big Guy and I have together.To me our girls were the living, breathing manifestation of all that love and respect that we have for one another. I sat there, fat and happy to be exactly in that moment.

Fast forward, 3 New Years later, the Big Guy and I are sitting in corporate housing with our two beautiful little girls in Virginia where we had recently moved. Life was chaotic and crazy and spinning a bit out of control.We had just started to adjust to the fact that we were again away from all family and friends with two very small children. We had spent the fall forging a new life for ourselves. Redefining borders and creating relationships with strangers, changing our perspectives and embracing change. We were blessed to have the opportunity to hit reboot even if it was forced upon us. Once again I was forced to take a hard look at myself and decide who I wanted to be in this world.It started an evolution revolution within myself. I began to realize that I had to be the change that I wanted to see in my world.I could either sit back and let life happen to me or I could jump up and make things happen for me.Last New Year set me up for becoming the person I never knew that I always wanted to be. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself, when you are blessed with so much in life. I only needed the moment of quiet change to realize it.

Tonight, a decade of New Years is coming to an end, a lifetime of change has taken place in my life in the last year alone. We, the girls and I, are living back in Indiana.The Big Guy no longer lives at home, due to job location. Luckily for me, we are actually more in love than that first New Years so long ago. He is my anchor in life, he keeps me grounded when I am about to fly off the deep end of reality. I'm his balloon, I lift him up when our circumstances pull him down. Our babies are now 3 and 5. I'm looking at them, as I type, and I can't even believe it myself. They are so beautiful and perfect in the face of such craziness. The last year has not been easy but I think its made us all stronger. We were downsized, relocated, then the Big Guy has been away for the new job.Our lives have been in limbo and hell concurrently but you know what? It's not impossible but its just the hardest thing I've ever done. This year, as difficult and testing as it has been, as much as I would not wish this kind of situation on anyone, it has made me once again aware of my blessings in triplicate. It's given me an opportunity to focus on who I am.Who I want to be in the world. It has made me a stronger person, a more devoted wife, a more aware mother.I've made a lot of mistakes but I've also made a lot of hard decisions that have made our family better.I am a little worn for the wear but now I am focused. I am heading into the next decade with a renewed sense of self, a new determination to succeed, and a greater appreciation for the life and people that I have been blessed with in my life. What a difference a decade has made. I have come full circle and been made better in the journey.Next New year, I will be sitting someplace new but still with these 3 amazing people that I have been fortunate enough to spend the rest of my life with.

How was your past decade?What was the highest and lowest point?What will you do differently in the next decade? Happiest of New Years to you all and your families.

Nutrisystem Update, week 8~Hooray You: New You Revolution

2010-12-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

HOORAY YOU! THE NUTRISYSTEM “NEW YOU REVOLUTION” BRINGS FRESH FROZEN FOOD TO ALL

Nutrisystem, Inc. (NASDAQ: NTRI), the number one home delivery weight loss company, announced today that it is revamping its programs by incorporating its highest scoring, best tasting fresh frozen gourmet foods into all of its weight loss plans at the lowest price in the Company’s history. Part of Nutrisystem’s “Hooray You! New You Revolution” initiative is to empower and celebrate the success of its members, and with these significant changes it will make Nutrisystem® weight loss programs more accessible to a wider audience than ever before. The new Nutrisystem 28-day program will now include one-third frozen foods and two-thirds of pantry foods. Additionally, the program previously cost $399 per month and it will now cost $299, including an additional free week of pantry foods, a gourmet money back guarantee and free shipping. The New Nutrisystem® Select® Plan, available only in the Continental U.S., can be purchased by calling the Nutrisystem hotline 1-800-891-3215 or logging onto www.nutrisystem.com.

“The launch of this program is a groundbreaking accomplishment for our team. Nutrisystem has now found a way to do what no other weight loss company had been able to do – and that is to provide home delivery of fresh-frozen foods at the lowest price in the category,” said Joe Redling, Chairman and CEO of Nutrisystem. “We spent the better part of the last year conducting extensive category research and, of course, listening to our own customers. The message we heard was clear and simple – they want great tasting, high quality foods at a low price with no gimmicks and no complicated plans. Through this system wide revamp I’m truly pleased that we’ll now be providing just that.”

Added Redling, “This winter season, many weight loss companies are launching new programs. We applaud those who are working hard in the fight to combat the national obesity epidemic but warn consumers to be wary of the newest fads and magic pill solutions. At Nutrisystem, our program is backed by the science of the low Glycemic Index and at a low price. We believe the solution to a healthier lifestyle can be just that simple.”

The New Nutrisystem Select

“Nutrisystem Select” offers gourmet, fresh frozen cuisine to every customer, delivered right to their doorstep. As part of the revamp of its food programs, Nutrisystem is adding new items to its menu including: Garden Vegetable Omelet, Margherita Pizza, Roasted Vegetable Pizza, Asian Style Beef, Roasted Turkey Medallions, and Orange Crème Bar.

The New Nutrisystem Select program includes:

· Free 24 hour, seven days a week phone access to nutrition support and counseling from the Nutrisystem team of registered dieticians as well as weight loss counselors

· Free membership and access to online tools, tips and community support on Nutrisystem.com

· Savings of hundreds of dollars compared to other weight loss programs

· New – Gourmet Guarantee – money back if not completely satisfied

· New – First seven days free

· New – Transition plans to help keep you on track after reaching your goal weight

· Available for Women, Men, Silver and people with type 2 diabetes who want to lose weight via Nutrisystem D

· Nutrisystem is delivered right to the customer’s door, and free shipping is included with Auto Delivery – there’s never any center visits or calorie or carb counting required

“As the nation continues to spiral into an ever-worsening cycle of obesity, we’re taking action now that will make our weight loss programs more accessible to more Americans than ever before. When crafting this new program, we recognized that the barriers to dieting and the reasons why people fail often comes down to a matter of cost, convenience and eating foods that taste good,” said Dr. Bruce Daggy, Vice President of Research and Development of Nutrisystem. “Feedback from our members has always given the highest food ratings to our frozen foods, but cost has been a barrier. One of the most important aspects of our programs that will continue is our adherence to a balanced diet based on the low Glycemic Index. We recognize that weight loss and health is not just about counting calories. Our focus remains to support a sensible and sustainable approach to eating.”

To order the new Nutrisystem, visit www.Nutrisystem.com or call 1-800-891-3215.

The Ornament

2010-12-29T10:50:00.000-05:00

This Christmas morning was a little different than our previous Christmases have been. The entire year has been a little "different", since the Big Guy has been working away from home. It's been a difficult transition to go from having a very hands on partner/father to one who is no longer here on a daily basis. Due to all this upheaval and unpredictability of the past few months, I felt like the holidays crept up on me and knocked me over the head with a boulder. Nothing has felt right with the Big Guy gone. This situation has caused finances to be off because of maintaining separate residences, I didn't have the time I normally would have had to go shopping and what not because I had no one here to watch the girls, the ebb and flow of our very existence has been out of whack this past year. So, it was no surprise that this Christmas morning, things felt peculiar.

I woke up and I knew I wasn't going to be opening any gifts,that was no big deal, I had accepted that fact. Normally, I have an abundance of gifts to open. But that's OK. Don't feel sorry for me. The Big Guy bought me a really spectacular diamond band that I've been wanting ( last month) and my Mom bought me my BlogHer ticket, so believe me I didn't need anything to open. And, to be completely honest, having the Big Guy home for 2 weeks consecutively is the most precious gift that I could ever have asked for or wanted.If you could see the excitement in the girls eyes knowing that when they wake up in the morning, their Daddy would be there.You'd know, I want for nothing. If you could know the peace it brings my heart to have the Big Guy within arms reach, you would realize that the gift of his presence was priceless to all of us.

After the girls opened all of their gifts, and the Big Guy had opened the gifts that the girls had picked out for him, there was 1 little gift that we had all forgotten about. That is all of us,with the exception of Bella, had forgotten about. Bella makes a leap under the tree and says in her most sheepish little big girl voice,"Mommy, you forgot about YOUR gift!" I was stumped because I knew, for a fact, the Big Guy was told not to buy me anything (living apart strains the finances). Bella produced the sweetest, plain white bakery bag with a homemade card on it. I had forgotten about the "gift" she had made for me on the last day of school before the break. The gift that had been sitting under the tree for a week and I had been given strict orders could not be opened until Christmas morning. Bella:"Open it,Mommy"as she placed it into my hands. I followed her instructions, as I opened that simple white bakery bag and inside was the most beautiful ( to me) handmade ornament that I have ever laid my gaze upon. At that moment, sitting in front of the Christmas tree with my girls and the Big Guy next to me, I realized that I had the most amazing gift in the world..I had a all the love my heart could hold and then I cried. I wept for the happiness of being blessed with so much love and I wept with sadness knowing that we've lost almost an entire year together.After all was said and done, that sweet little angel ornament in the plain white bakery bag is the most meaningful gift I have ever received. Thank you Bella and Gabi for coming into my world and putting things into perspective!!Mommy loves you!

What's the most meaningful gift that you've received?

Is Mommy Who you are or what you do?

2010-12-27T13:30:00.000-05:00

In most instances, people are not what they do, but in Motherhood the marriage of the two is as seamless as the Separation of Church and state in Rome. In no other aspect of our lives does one single event of our life forever define who we are to the outside world as does becoming a Mother. It not only instantaneously changes how we view ourselves, how our family and friends view us; it changes the way we are viewed by the entire world. It’s not like being a Republican or Democrat, you can’t hide that you are a Mommy. Besides being recognizable by the obvious changes of Motherhood; your body, the tethering of a small human being to your side for 18+ years, and chronic food/spit/shit/ or urine on your clothing. There are also the not so obvious changes, the slow softening around the edges, the small appendage roaming the world freely (your heart), and the ever present elation filled with sadness and extreme exhaustion readily seen on most, if not all, Mommies faces.

The moment we become a Mother in our minds, whether it be at conception, labor, the moment we hold that newborn, or at that moment they first call out for us, we are changed forever. Never again to be that same woman we were before that moment, at least not entirely. However, where is the line between being their Mommy and the woman independent of the child? We become so consumed with the task at hand (being said Mommy) that we sometimes forget about the woman behind the miracle.

I sometimes look at my girls and I am in awe that I have anything to do with molding such amazing little humans; little lone that I am the sole reason they are on this earth. In those instances, I feel as if I am capable of accomplishing almost anything. I feel as if my potential is limitless. Then I catch a glimpse of myself in my ponytail and yoga pants and I feel like an incredible failure. How can someone who can do so many amazing things for and with her children have such little regard for herself? I am barely recognizable to myself in the mirror. I have become so immersed in their lives, their dreams and goals that I have forgotten about my own. Well, obviously I have not entirely forgotten, since I am referencing and acknowledging the fact that I ever had dreams and goals of my own, but I have certainly pushed myself to the side in many ways.

Like most Mommies, I do this willingly. After all, isn’t Martyrdom #1 in the Mommy manual? Nevertheless, am I really doing them any favors in the end? I have girls, so do I want to be the example that imprints on their tiny brains that being a Mommy= losing yourself and relinquishing all of your hopes and dreams? Obviously, that would be a resounding Hell no! That would be, by far, the greatest disservice that I could ever do to my girls. I think to be a really great Mommy, we have to be willing to let our children see us as humans and as women with interests, hopes, and dreams outside of just being their Mother. I struggle with this daily. Most days, I lose the battle.

Our children are our top priority but shouldn’t we be a priority on our own life, as well? Our children need to see us succeed, fail, survive it all and to pick ourselves up and continue on. If I were practicing as a lawyer or a doctor, I would not let it engulf my entire life. I would still allow myself outside interests, friends, hopes, and dreams. If we don’t do the same with Motherhood, who will we be when our children are grown and don’t need us to be their every thing? How will we define who we are if we have completely forgotten who we were?

The Rose Colored Christmas Conspiracy

2010-12-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

My favorite Christmas memory as a child was from when I was about 3 years old, it was the first year we were spending away from Ohio. We were living in Indiana about a block away from the Illinois border, in a small apartment with really huge floor to ceiling windows. I don’t know why I remember the windows so vividly. Prior to that we had lived in Dayton, near my father’s Uncle Ramon. Uncle Ramon and Aunt Doris were like my grandparents, since we never lived near my actual paternal grandparents, who lived in Mexico.Uncle Ramon and Aunt Doris were like the glue that held our family together, in a lot of ways.They bridged the gap between my Mother and Father. It was frightening and yet exciting. I remember feeling like something big was happening.

That Christmas I remember being special because it was our first year, as just ‘our’ family, the four of us. Well, my parents, Carlos (my little brother) and I, until my father’s brothers showed up. We always had a house full of relatives. We were never really alone. It's hard to know how you genuinely feel about the people in your life when you only ever see them in the midst of a perpetual party. There was never any down time.Never any quiet moments with children and parents, just being.Those moments that I have come to realize (as a parent myself now) are imperative to the parent child relationship.

This particular memory, I remember playing outside in the snow in our big crazy snowsuits, having snow ball fights with our Dad and uncles ,who seldom wore gloves.No idea why that sticks in my mind as being significant but I must have thought it very bizarre. They were from Mexico and I really don’t think they even thought about gloves as being an option. Every single photo I come across, they are throwing snowballs, without gloves. Then we’d all come inside and Carlos and I would sit in our little chairs (his upholstered in 70’s fashion avocado green and yellow flowers) and mine was a Big red teddy bear rocking chair that I was absolutely obsessed with. Our Mom would bring us hot chocolate and Carlos and I would watch whatever crazy 70’s cartoon was on at the time or if we were really lucky, an episode of the Monkees in syndication.What can I say? I had a wee crush on Davey Jones, even at the ripe old age of 3. It was unimportant what was on television, it was about sitting in those chairs and being beside my little brother. The illumination from the gaudy 1 string of colored lights outlining the huge gold curtains would dance against the plastic on the big velvet chairs. We’d sit there listening to the silver chirping bird ornament emanating from deep inside the Christmas tree covered with endless strings of flashing colored lights and tinsel that looked, in retrospect, that our Mom just let us throw by the handfuls on the tree. Sometimes we’d climb up under the tree to see if we could find that damn chirping bird and put it out of its misery, but we never did. Mostly, there we sat, my brother and I, hypnotized as we sat staring into space with our hot coco mustaches. I know it sounds so simple, innocuous even, but it was the best Christmas ever.

I do remember that Christmas I got a baby doll that was taller than I was, I could barely move the box to open her. She was beautiful and had long brown hair and big almond eyes, just like me. I loved that doll so much I even let her sit in my favorite chair that I never shared it with anyone. That Christmas was also the same year that Carlos got a giant red fire truck. He tore the wooden floors up with that truck running it back and forth and back and forth for hours. We were both over the moon.But something was missing.Maybe it was Uncle Ramon and Aunt Doris, or maybe just the place they held in the relationship between our parents or between our parents and Carlos and I. Maybe I was just too little to understand but could "feel" something was off.On paper and in pictures, it was amazing.

I look at those pictures and Carlos and I look completely happy. In reality, we were oblivious, as we should have been at 3 and 1 years old. We were happy and blissful and colored lights and bright shiny toys from Santa in a brand new apartment were all that was needed to make this the best Christmas ever, to us. When I look closer at the photos, my Mom looks tired and my Dad looks like he had someplace else to be. He definitely looks like he had someplace else that he wanted to be. Soon after this Christmas is when we all became painfully aware that my father was an alcoholic and my Mom was miserable dealing with the abuse that comes with being married to an alcoholic. For a moment, in a picture of a Christmas in a different place and a different time, we all looked happy.

The years that followed, from age 3 until I was 26, the pictures have smiles but the eyes tell another story. They were pasted on smiles and there was no happy memories to be made because every single holiday meant, a father who drank and had an erratic temper that could go off the handle and ruin everything on a whim. Those pictures from our first Christmas in Indiana reminds me of the potential things had to be different; to be good. Those photos show me the potential for Christmas to be snowball fights and coco mustaches, naïve happiness and joy at simply being together. Instead, the reality for us was that a completely carefree, happy Christmas with my parents was a once in a lifetime event. That alone makes it my favorite memory. It has also been the paradigm from which I have chosen to use as the antithesis of how I want to spend my Christmases with my own children. It's about the love and the togetherness, not doing the right thing on paper and photos.

Life is what happens when you are busy making plans

2010-12-26T00:41:00.000-05:00

After falling ass backwards into marriage with a wonderful man, really more than I could have ever asked for in a person to love me, 5 years later I was getting a little worried. I wasn’t worried about the marriage; it was rock solid with the exception of one not so small issue. I had always known what I wanted in life. There was no time frame on any of it but I knew, in my heart, that I would be married with children and successful at whatever I chose to pursue. Yes, my self-confidence runneth over. One small problem, I met the man of my dreams when I was least expecting it. He asked me to marry him, when I was even less expecting it. I said yes, to the shock of myself and everyone else. You see where I am going with this?

Life just kept tossing me those lovely wonderful curve balls. I went with it and it all seemed to be playing out perfectly. My life was everything I never knew I’d always wanted, served on a silver platter. One thing was missing, a baby.

It wasn’t missing because I had misplaced it or some unfortunate fertility issues. We weren’t so busy with our careers that we had forgotten about it. What happened was I married a man who wasn’t sure if he wanted children or not. I know it sounds crazy that I would have even considered marriage when I was so certain about this one aspect of my life. I knew I needed to be a mother, at some point, the way I know I need to breathe air. But he wasn’t totally sure that he didn’t want children, I am an eternal optimist, and we took a chance. Actually, I’d say it was more like the biggest gamble of my life because if things hadn’t worked out as they did, my story would be very different. Probably a lot more like Elizabeth Gilbert’s and a lot less like Truthful Mommy’s.

I remember feeling a lot of trepidation the summer of 2004. It had finally sunk it that maybe this wasn’t going to happen and then big decisions were going to have to be made. Decisions that neither of us wanted to even consider. So we vaguely discussed and kind of decided to plan to plan to have a baby. You know…maybe sometime in that not pre determined future. Personally, in retrospect, I think we were biding our time. He was trying to put off something he still wasn’t sure about and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was trying and praying to keep hope alive in my heart. That was the summer of our 5-year anniversary.

We planned a romantic getaway to New Orleans. It was magical. I’m sure it had a lot to do with the “we’re on vacation” mojo and the ginormous hurricanes they serve in the French Quarter but we had a heart to heart and decided that we were both on board to plan to plan to have our mythical baby…one of these days. We walked around the Garden district holding hands and talking about how awesome it would be to live there. Spent nights walking together, gazing at the stars, eating rich foods on Jazz cruises in the Mississippi. We lingered in the French Quarter drinking all that life had to offer before coming back to our hotel to bask in one another’s love multiple times* wink*wink*

Then we returned home. Our marriage stronger than ever, our faith in each other renewed, our love undivided and then…I started puking and puking….and puking some more. Our plan to plan had been foiled and replaced by actual living in the now! We were both scared witless and excited. Me more excited him more scared witless. For a couple months, I was wondering how this was all going to play out. Don’t get me wrong, he was very involved. We did everything together. I read the pregnancy journal to him every night, so we knew what was going on with our baby. He read and sang to my belly. He was at every appointment. He got choked up at the heartbeat. He catered to my every pregnancy whim. He did everything right but for some reason. I felt like he felt like I had sprung this on him. I was too afraid to bring it up because, honestly, I was afraid of what his answer was going to be. Then I wasn’t sure if it was really fear or some kind of crazy hormonal paranoia. So I just went on basking in my glow and praying every night that he REALLY was too. It felt too good to be true, so I was sure some thing was afoot.

Then 3 days before Christmas we went to have a 3-D confirmation ultrasound done because I HAD to know what the sex of the baby was going to be. They had told me a girl but said they could be wrong because of leg placement. The doctor had tried 3 times to get a definite sex reading and always the same. She was a good Catholic girl even in utero, closed legs and a middle finger to the world. I was so nervous, I vomited. It was the big day; I was going to finally know the sex of our baby…our accidental, planning to plan love child. The image came up and we saw our baby in 3-D and I knew…we were ready. He was ready. He was happy. He was ECSTATIC. I had my answer, not about the sex of the baby but the answer to a much bigger question. Then Christmas came. I didn’t care what I received under the tree because I had already gotten my gift, three days earlier in the ultrasound room. I had gotten peace of mind. All the gifts were open and the Big Guy disappeared. Then he came back in with a huge, beautifully wrapped box and he placed it in front of me. “For me?” I asked. “No, it’s for the baby. I bought it a few months back to surprise you!” I opened the box and inside it was the most beautiful Burberry diaper bag that I had ever seen, through my tear filled eyes. He said, “a few months back”. I had worried for nothing. This is one of my favorite and most cherished holiday memories of all of my existence.

This post was featured at A Belle, a Bean and a Chicago Dog last Wednesday but I wanted to share it here as well with my readers,

The Birth of Christ for the Social Media Savvy

2010-12-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! I had to share this for all my social media savvy friends.

Mommy Truisms:Too Blessed to be Stressed Holiday Edition

2010-12-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

It's a special time of year for us Mommies and so I thought I should share a special set of Mommy truisms. Hope this adds to your holiday enjoyment! Merry Christmas!

If your half asleep child wakes up in the middle of the night and you are caught red-handed wrapping "Santa" gifts, its better to gently walk said half asleep kid back to bed versus assuming they saw anything and telling them "Now that you know there's no Santa....".Believe me you can't unring that bell.

If you decide to make the elf on the shelf a part of your family tradition and tell your kids that the elves have magical powers of teleportation, its best not to get caught red-handed removing the elf from your luggage at the in laws house. Again, it's mighty hard to explain your way out of that mess.

Speaking of explaining your way out of a mess, if you accidentally use a term that you don't want your kids to know anything about, do NOT try to make up an explanation on the fly.It will end badly. For example, telling your kid that the "Boogie Monster is like the Cookie Monster but sucks the boogies out of sleeping children's noses" does not a situation better make.Just shut your mouth and pretend you said nothing.

When your littles are bugging the ever loving crap out of you wanting to make Christmas crafts, Christmas Cookies, or sing Christmas songs and you are running yourself crazy trying to make it the best Christmas ever..stop, take a deep breath and remember what its all for and about.It can't be perfect if you are annoyed with the very little people that you are trying to make it perfect for. Forget about the to do list and give those littles a little Christmas....NOW!

Don't drive yourself insane searching for the perfect gift.Don't do it. For the little ones it will change on a daily basis.Use your best judgment and give with your heart.Christmas morning is about smiles and togetherness.If you are there in the moment with them and the love is flowing,it will be the best Christmas ever.

If you don't heed the previous warning, as I may or may not have in the past, you may find yourself crying at the end of Christmas morning because the Fancy Nancy book that you ordered special, the easel from France, or the freaking $100 chair you bought them (that you KNEW was going to be perfect) is met with a "why the hell did she buy me this" look.

Christmas, like life, is what you make of it. It's not about how much money or how many gifts you give.It's about the passion with which you celebrate. Do you want your littles to think the season is about money and material things or about the spirit of love, a sacred religious celebration, and spending time with those you love? Remember, we are teaching them what it's all about.

Don't assume every gift your little one wants comes from a store.Sometimes the most meaningful gift a parent can give their child is attention, a warm cuddle, a nose kiss, time together, lap snuggles, bed time stories, and REALLY listening to what your littles are actually saying. The smile these things bring is genuine and worth everything.

When you are buried up to your eyeballs in snow and and it looks like you are living in a snow globe, and the kids keep begging to go outside, sometimes the best thing you can do is throw on all your layers, go outside and have a snowball fight for 15 minutes. These are the moments that memories are made of, why make the memory be of you saying no.Make the memory be, my Mommy was so cool she stopped the world and played with me in the snow.

Christmas eve may be about traditions and Santa but Christmas morning is about presents and a big breakfast.

Stress and worry are the only Mommy emotions less valuable than guilt. Don't do it!

When all else fails, coffee and wine will get you through the holidays!

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you. I hope that you have a wonderfully fabulous day basking in the glow of your families love. Kiss those littles, tell your Big Guy how much he means to you, and know that you are a great Mommy and wife.Merry Christmas, my friends.

This song is Christmas to me.

It's the First Annual #HoHoHoHolidayswap 2010

2010-12-22T01:23:00.003-05:00

Today I have the pleasure of being a part of the #HoHoHoHolidayswap ( every single time I say that , I hear the lyrics..hotel, motel, holiday inn...streaming through my head.What's that say about me?) . Anyways, these are a great bunch of bloggers who will blow your socks off.

But it is my pleasure to introduce to you one of my favorite people in the world ( bloggy, real and otherwise) Naomi de la Torre the talented and beautiful author of Organic Motherhood with Coolwhip.She can also be found these days writing her velour covered ass off at SheKnows and also as the voice behind baby Lucha @ Baby Banter.

She is a talented writer, a fabulous friend, and can be found on twitter hanging out with the cool kids! Make sure to check out her blog and leave her some love here, as well! Now, let's give a big Truth About Motherhood welcome to the sweetest, mojito drinking, fallopian tube crossing, salsa dancing, baby wrangling, organic ,baby loving blog bestie of mine.....Naomi!

Today, I can be found spreading my holiday mayhem at A Belle, a Bean and a Chicago Dog.

Stop by and show me some love!

Please stop by as many of the blogs as you can. These ladies are all great writers and you will be in for a treat.

The Bad Sister’s Favorite Christmas

I’m a good sister. Usually. Mostly.

But, according to my little sister Aliza, when we were young, I was bad. Very bad. Very bad indeed. My various crimes include:

1. Tricking her into eating cat food to impress a babysitter.

2. Excluding her from plans to move to New York City and live in a super fabulous loft and write encyclopedias for a living with our same-age cousin Hillary.

3. Not taking her to the bathroom and causing her to have various accidents that could have been avoided. (More on this later.)

4. Sending her out onto a small pond in our backyard on a raft that didn’t float. (Yes, she sank.)

5. Not playing Barbie Dolls with her. Even when she asked nicely.

I must admit, I did all those things. And more. But the worst of all my childhood crimes is probably one that occurred on Christmas one year.

This was during the era when neon clothes, shoulder pads, knee-length sweaters, and Cindy Lauper-inspired stirrup pants were all the rage and my sister had just received a brand-new pair of hot-pink jean stirrups. She was over the moon for her new outfit, which also came with a handful of jelly bracelets and a matching Mickey Mouse shirt. Just as we were trying on all our Christmas loot, my sister said, “Uh-oh! I have to pee!”

For whatever reason (I simply cannot explain my motives) I raced in front of her, dashed into the bathroom and stood on top of the toilet. She came in and pleaded with me to get off. She begged me to get down. She told me that it wasn’t funny. She told me it wasn’t nice. But apparently, I found the whole situation quite hilarious and I stood there on top of the toilet laughing hysterically. That is, until she became very quiet , turned bright red, and stood motionless while a big wet circle grew on the front of her brand new hot pink stirrup pants.

After that, I felt bad.

But apparently not bad enough to avoid the many other crimes that I’ve been accused of during the rest of my childhood.

Is this really my favorite Christmas?

No, of course not. There was also the Christmas during which I got my period for the first time and my mother felt the need to shout this information at top-volume throughout my Grandma’s house in front of a whole slew of male relatives. Which caused me such intense mortification that I considered taking up residence in the bathroom and never coming out again.

But that was probably my sister’s favorite Christmas. Not mine.

In truth, my sister and I are the best of friends. But when we were kids, we fought as often as we got along. My two boys are the same age difference apart as us and their daily squabbles send me over the edge. Regularly. They tease each other incessantly. They fight over toys. They tell tales on each other. Sometimes, I just want to scream, “Why can’t you just get along!!??” But I guess, considering my sordid past, I really don’t have the right to say this.

Christmas, for me, above all else, is a time for family. And family is love. I love my family with an intensity that sometimes crushes me to bits and makes it hard to breathe. I can’t imagine my existence without them. And I adore this time of year because it gives us all a reason to come together. With a family like mine that is spread halfway across the globe, our times together are infrequent, but they are wonderful.

And yes, though we are now grown, we still tease each other. We argue. We play favorites. We tell stories on each other. We throw each other under the bus. Even as adults. No one is perfect.

And though you won’t find me standing atop any toilets when my friends or family are desperate anymore, I can’t claim that I don’t do something equally irritating and juvenile, just maybe something a little more fitting for my age range.

The Boogie Man; he cometh to suck the boogies

2010-12-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

I am NOT the Mommy who tells her kid about the Boogie Man. I decided this a long time ago because well, its just a tool parents use to scare their children into behaving well. I know, this coming from the same broad who tells her daughters that magical kneecap breaking elves are sent from Santa to keep a watchful eye over them and report back to the Fat Jolly guy, doesn't make a lot of sense. So, why, you ask, do I draw a line at the "Boogie Man"? Simply because, I tell them monsters are not real and I think they are too young for the whole God/Satan discussion. Therefore, no one is allowed to even joke that the Boogie man is getting anyone in this house. Capiche?

Unfortunately, I had a little slip today. Yes, one of my girls did something ( I can't honestly even remember what it was at this point) and I made the comment that the Boogie man something or other. As soon as I said it, I wanted to eat the words. I wanted to swallow them whole and push them deep down inside my stomach but it was too late. Those 2 words had fell on to the most astute ears of all time, the ears of Gabs. You know like the ides of March but much more dangerous.

What did I do? Well, I don't lie to my children ( well, I don't want to ) so how can I get out of this?I'd said it, she knew it meant something not good, so how the hell was I going to explain it all away? My thought process; Sesame street, Cookie Monster ( big blue friendly dude); Mommy fuck up,Boogie Monster; Crazy invisible guy who comes and eats the boogies of little kids who don't listen. What a train wreck! Clearly, I should have put more thought into this craziness.

I know, its a terrible cover. One day she'll know that the Boogie Man is a synonym for Satan but for now she thinks that the Boogie Monster is an invisible dude who comes around if he hears little girls talking back, fighting, telling their Mommy or sister they hate her, or being generally not good ..its the only time he is even aware of their existence.But if he hears, he'll come and suck all the boogies out of their noses in the middle the night ( sort of like one of those giant bulb suckers which of course, they detest)but ONLY if they are not good.

What white lies have you told your children when caught in a compromising position? How did it work out for you?We're you ever busted? I'm pretty sure this whole boogie monster thing is going to blow up all over my face. It's just a matter of time.Bella listened to my explanation and gave me the "I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure that you're full of crap Mom" look when she heard the whole sordid explanation. Gabs, on the other hand, she's been the best she's been since birth! Bella was pretty good too. She's not taking any chances with Christmas being so close and all.That's my smart cookie!Happy Mothering!

Nutrisystem Update; Week 7/Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

2010-12-21T14:49:00.001-05:00

Today, after a weekend of travel and a rather unpleasant reminder that I'm overweight, I stepped onto the scale with great trepidation that was soon replaced by great respite. According to my scale, I have lost another 1.5 pounds which brings my overall total this week to 11 pounds in 7 weeks. 11 pounds lighter for Christmas? Merry Christmas to me! I'm so excited and I can feel my pants getting looser, which totally thrills me beyond what it should a grown woman.

Hope you all have a fabulous Christmas and stay tuned I have it on good authority that there is going to be a great deal in the next week or two, to help you start your 2011 off right and healthy!

Thanks for your support and I hope you all will be enjoying your holidays with your family and friends. Deep breaths and enjoy. Next week, I will be back with another VLOG update so you won't want to miss that!

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

I got kicked til I Cried

2010-12-21T10:26:00.001-05:00

Seems my holiday spirit has not yet caught up with my Mommy Holiday need to be in the spirit. My brain knows that I want to want to enjoy the holidays, but for some reason..my heart's just not in it.

First, I blamed it on being to busy to enjoy the season with all the rehearsal's and the productions and just the hectic craziness that is the holidays. Then last Thursday,when I thought I was in the home stretch..wouldn't you know that something else came up.

Thursday, I picked my 5 year old up from school, a seeming innocuous event.As we are driving home and I start my routine of inquiring about her day, I am informed that her teacher , who previously made her the star of the classroom version of "What not to wear" and I've spoken to about her inappropriate behavior, has stricken once again.

Bella begins to recount a conversation that she had with her teacher. It went a little something like this; said teacher was speaking to Bella's friend who had been on vacation and had gotten sick.The teacher was telling the student that she has missed a lot of school.Bella was standing within earshot, and so the teacher decided to tell Bella ( in front of the other children) "You've missed a lot of school too, Bella!" To which my 5 year old said, "I had the Nutcracker last week." Now let me explain this, Bella missed Monday and Tuesday of last week due to incliment weather and impassable roads but Friday, she had an excused absence for her performance in the Nutcracker. The very same Nutcracker that she had been waiting to be a part of for 3 years, the same one she auditioned for in September, and the very same one that she has been rehearsing for 3 days a week for 4 months (Did I mention she is only 5?) This was a lot of work, followed by a week long of 2.5 hour long dress rehearsals EVERY night ( my girls were kept up for rehearsal, 2 hours past when they should have already been asleep.It was a big sacrifice and acheivement on the part of Bella).This teacher told Bella (in front of other kids..to her face, not in her own little brain..where the thought should have remained) "Well, the Nutcracker is NOT important..kindergarten is!"

My reaction was to become livid because 1) She has no business speaking to her about personal matters in front of other children 2) The Nutcracker was/is important to Bella who worked her little derriere off to be a part of it. What gives this broad the right to discount my child's achievements? Newsflash; Hey bitch,if I refuse to give my kids an inferiority complex..you sure as hell are not allowed to do so!Main problem being, this is not the first time that she has exhibited this sort of behavior.I have asked her NOT to do this before, to contact me directly.Each time I contacted her, I took a deep breath and I was very diplomatic. I was getting my Master's in Elementary Education when I was pregnant with Bella and I've been working in education now for 10 years, so I do know the ins and outs of the system. I know this woman needs to retire. This time I included the principal on the email.The principal said she would handle it, next morning first thing I received an email that the teacher would only send notes and communication through myself directly. Hopefully this matter is resolved. So, that started the break off with a bad taste in my mouth.

Then there was an incident where a family member took it upon himself to mock my blog and mimmick every food choice that I made while visiting.I am on Nutrisystem and I ate my Nutrisystem while there, but there were times where we were out starving and picked something up at a restaurant. I made my choices with the plan in mind. But all the while, I had this family member, mocking me. Cracking wise on my weight.( who the hell thinks its OK to comment on a woman's weight?) I bit my tongue,so I wasn't teaching my girls to be disrespectful towards their elders. And yes, he does know I'm on Nutrisystem.The straw that broke the camels back was when he decided to rant over what I was eating at a public restaurant,loudly enough to call the attention of the other patrons ( I was mortified) and then when we left. My husband was fastening the girls into their car seats. I was waiting to sit next to them ( I was freezing),but his arm was in the way so I couldn't get all the way in.The family member said, maybe if you hadn't eaten so much, you'd fit! WTF?? I was flabbergasted. Yeah, and that was the third day of this type of behavior.Until, I couldn't take it anymore. I had been biting my tongue and then I woke up the next morning and had hit my threshold. I had to leave. I can only be gracious for so long. So, that's been the start to the holiday break! Seems everybody;s trying to kick this girl til she cries!

But I won't let them restrict the size of my heart!This heart will grow three times its original size!Damn the finances! Damn the separation!Damn expectation!Damn ignorant people with big boisterous voices! This is MY Blog...if you don't like it or you don't want to hear/care about what I have to say..Don't read it! Whatever you do, don't try to throw my own words in my face. I know what I have said.I am aware that words have effect on people and if used improperly can cut, like knives. I know that first hand.That's why I don't do that but lucky for me others do not subscribe to the rules of couth.

So, I am home and I am off to cuddle my girls and love the holiday light right out of them.We have 2 glorious weeks and the Big Guy will be joining us tonight or tomorrow, either way, we'll scoot in and make room.I just want to encapsulate the moment of togetherness because it will be fleeting but I promise; we will know it was here.What will you be doing to keep your spirits up and truly enjoy the important things...the family, the people, not just the things.Don't get caught up in the momentum, get wrapped up in the love.How will you do that this year for your family?

One more piece of happiness, yesterday (when I started this post) was the birthday of one of my favorite people in the world!Nik,love you like a sister and I am so glad that we met and became fast friends. It is so rare to find this kind of friendship as an adult. I truly do hope you were spoiled rotten yesterday and appreciated for all that you do for EVERYONE!Running around the world saving all the sickies one gurney at a time!You are an inspiration.Happy Birthday,love ya!

The Day I took Away Santa

2010-12-16T08:43:00.000-05:00

It's been craziness, wrapped in chaos, and tied up with a big bow of peppermint flavored stress over here these days. I know what you are thinking; its the holidays.It's like this for everybody. Suck it, Truthful Mommy! And I do realize that along with being the "most wonderful" time of the year it is also fraught with balding stress ( for me anyways)What you're not balding? Well, then obviously I am more stressed than you.I win!Score!

I am no more pitiful than the rest of you or inundated with any more responsibility. But, this week is not a good week for this Mommy to have so much on her plate. This Mommy is trying to recoup emotionally and psychologically, not to mention physically, from the last month.Add to the mix a healthy dose of exhaustion and cramps and there you have it; Mommy needs a rest preferably without the side of sass.

I find myself teetering between thinking my girls are the best thing since Ding Dongs were invented and quite possibly the spawn of Spongebob ( you know adorable to most but ever so annoying that you'd just like to bash your head into the wall?) Anyways, most of our days start off with good intentions then they wake up and dawdle ( like real life, slower than molasses dawdling. It requires a concerted effort on their part!) then they get dressed and eat even slower than that. Then trying to wrangle them into their hats, gloves, scarves, coats and boots must burn at least 500 calories.I'm exhausted before we even leave the house.

Then I drop of my 5 year old and she is adorable with her kisskiss " Love you Mommy" and wave.My ears perk up a bit.Then my 3 year old is absolutely freaking cuteness for the next 3 hours,usually singing songs, randomly bestowing hugs and saying "Me love you Mommy".Then its pick up time.Then hell breaks lose. Trying to wrangle tired, hungry kids back into the car is worse than trying to get the out the door. Then there is whining, loads and loads of whining.We discuss our plan of attack for the afternoon, then somehow between the ride home and lunch, they turn into someone else's children. Someone whose children I'd like to be able to send home!

Today, sometime in that time is when it happened. Seems the Santa threats and now even the kneecap busting elves are of no consequence. Instead, these two, seemingly innocuous to the naked eye, girls are taunting me, ignoring me and defying me at every turn.Pick up your room! NO!Finish your lunch!Nah!Stop hitting your sister!Complete silence, in observation of what an apparently stupid asshole I am for thinking they are going to listen to anything I say!Today, I told them, " If you don't behave for the rest of the day, Santa won't be coming to Grandma's house!"( They hire a Santa to come visit the girls at their annual holiday party) My 5 year old went on about disobeying me and my 3 year old looked me in the face and said( all exasperated like) : "Me know! Me heard you!No Santa!" And that was the moment that I realized that I had lost all credibility with my girls.My threats have become idle.They called my bluff.So, even though I didn't necessarily want to...I canceled Santa. I took Santa away from my girls.*(Hangs her head in shame)*. I don't think they believe I will follow through but little do they know, in the heat of the moment I texted the Big Guy and there will be NO Santa at the party. They will know I am serious on Saturday when there is NO Santa HoHoHoIng.Of course,that is assuming they make it to the party. They may be sitting home learning a lesson! We will see what tomorrow brings!

What threats have you made that you had to follow through with even though you may not have wanted to? How do you handle it when your kids completely ignore your requests to cooperate and behave?

The Lump in My Heart Runneth Over

2010-12-15T09:38:00.001-05:00

I fully realize this picture is fuzzy but there is something ethereal about & it is very reminiscent of how the weekend felt.

The house lights went down & I was overcome with emotion.I sat there, my 3 year old to my right and her father on the other side of her.We held our breaths.Tchaikovsky started to swell from the orchestra pit and my heart began to swell with pride, as my eyes swelled with tears in anticipation of my little girl's debut performance on the stage as a ballerina.

We know the story of the Nutcracker well.We've been reading it to Bella since she was 3, the year that she started taking ballet.It is a big part of our holiday tradition.This year was different, this year it wasn't just about sitting in the audience and basking in the holiday spirit .This year was momentous.This year, the Nutcracker was one of my Bella's milestones; like first steps, first words, first day of school. Like so many before it and so many that are yet to come, it is that moment that parents find themselves reluctantly and pridefully letting go...just a little, just enough to give you a great big lump in your heart.

So, there I sat with my great big giant lump in my heart, trying to hold it together.Waiting, hoping, not breathing in anticipation of the end of the first act;the moment that my little snowflake would enter stage left. Then it happened, there she was with her white leotard and tutu, wrapped in the glow of the stage light, floating gracefully above the floor like a vision in tulle loveliness. I realize that everyone else was focusing their attentions on the "big" snowflakes ( the more seasoned ballerinas) but my every attention was devoted solely to my little snowflake.Every plies, leap, pirouette that she did, I watched her face to see that she was enjoying every moment of it.After all, isn't that what we live for..those moments of sheer happiness in our child's face. The 5 minutes that she was on stage felt like a lifetime, as I sat there holding my breath and trying to suppress the lump in my heart. Then, it was over. Four months of rehearsals, weeks of anticipation, countless dollars and a few moments of graceful beauty under falling snow; priceless!

We met her backstage with roses, gifts, and enough praise to last her a lifetime but no words could amply convey the pride I felt in my heart. Family and friends came from all over to see our little girl take the stage.I just tried not to cry...too much.I held it together pretty well until the ride home from the theater and then the lump in my heart gave way and burst, overflowing and escaping through my eyes. There I sat, silently, ugly crying feeling the pride and momentum of what had just transpired.The Big Guy sat next to me, pretending not to notice how swept away I was by this occasion. He's learned after 13 years to just be, any interaction or conversation can induce hysterics;hyperventilating, noisy, body shaking ugly crying.

It was a moment she will never forget and neither will the Big Guy and I. It was the first moment our little girl became a real ballerina. It is emblazoned in my mind like the image on my digital camera with the waltz of the snowflakes accompanying it on a never ending loop. What is a moment of overwhelming pride that you have felt for your child? How did you handle the lump in your heart?

Nutrisystem week 6 update;Busy is as Busy does

2010-12-14T10:02:00.000-05:00

It's been six weeks and this week I lost another 2 pounds. This brings my grand total to 9.5 pounds.I am so close to 10 pounds I can taste it. It is so exciting to me to be losing weight, when this is the time of year that I normally put on a good 5 pounds due to holiday parties and stress eating. But no this year, thanks to Nutrisystem.This past week was absolutely crazy. It was the week of the Nutcracker production for our city's ballet, which would be irrelevant except that my 5 year old was making her debut and we had dress rehearsals and late nights all week long.I stuck to the plan, as much as possible, and made an effort to really get in my water and veggies and the result was 2 pounds. Proof positive that this plan is doable even with the busiest of lifestyles.Believe me when I say busy. Last week, I wasn't sure if I was coming or going on most days. Thanks for the support and encouraging words. You lighten my load on this journey, knowing that you are always here comforts me and keeps me focused. Happy Holidays!

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Elf on A Shelf run Amuck

2010-12-09T08:23:00.001-05:00

Last year, we I decided that I wanted to start the whole Elf on the Shelf tradition with my girls.Of course, once I saw what the Elf on the Shelf actually looked like, there was no way I was bringing that thing into my house.It would have scared the Christmas spirit right out of my girls. Thoughts of them sleeping with me nightly until they were 15 danced in my head and I nixed the Elf ( jokes on me because they are currently co-sleepers!) I wasn't ready to abandon the entire idea, just that particular elf. You know me, I went on a quest until a could locate 2 more aesthetically pleasing elves. I acknowledge that I am so conforming to society's idea of beauty. Shame on me.The girls were 2 and 4 and, let's be honest, I needed a new bargaining chip.The fat guy threats just weren't cutting it anymore. I needed something more tangible, not a threat of 1 day of the entire year. My girls are fairly certain that Santa is like God in the respect that he forgives..everything. But elves, well, those little bastards can be as vicious as Mommy wants them to be. Those little dudes are Santa's henchmen; they bust kneecaps and bite ankles. And so began the tradition..in our home.

Anyone who knows the Big Guy and I know that, in most respects, we don't half ass anything when it comes to our girls, with the exception of when we are dropping the ball completely.Sky's the limit, to infinity and beyond and all that bullshit. So, our elves ( yes, there are 2, one for each girl...its hard work wrangling babies) are sent via Air mail from the North Pole. You doubt me? Hey, there is postage paid and everything..even teeny tiny holes in the box so those minuscule Northern mafioso enforcers can breathe. They arrive with a letter from Santa explaining all ( yes, by now you should all be fully aware that we take everything just one step too far).

This year, Analee ( that's the name since "someone' forgot to remove the tag from the elf) arrived magically,a s if out of thin air.One day he was not here and the next, there he sat high in the Christmas tree, watching,waiting to be discovered.Keeping watch over my girls as they shouted and fought.And then it happened, Gabs made her way to touch her Clara ornament(you know the special one that she is forbidden to touch) and as her eyes rose from the ornament there perched 3/4s of the way up the tree, Analee.Gab's let out a yelp. Then said nothing. She slyly made her way to her sister, who screamed and immediately ran to greet our old friend.She was all flushed and hyperventilating trying to get the words out of her mouth, the proclamation that "Analee" was back. Santa had sent him to watch over them. I feigned surprise and said hello. Then it was bedtime.A few days later, after many hours of Bella standing in front of the Christmas tree explaining away every transgression that she had levied against her sister (literally, I found her no less than 15 times talking to the elf...explaining that Gabs made her do it and to tell Santa..it was Gabs, I tell you.All Gabs!) a package arrived in the mail.

The girls saw the brightly decorated box and knew instantly what the package contained. They gently placed it on the floor, in front of the fireplace ( there is a great amount of reverence given to the elves) and peeled the packaging back. Inside, they found a letter from Santa and the jolly smile of "Ed", sent back by Santa to report for another year of duty in our household. The girls gasped. They love the elves but they are afraid to touch them, not even with a ten foot pole. Well, Bella is anyways.Gabs actually midget tossed poor Ed out of her room on his ear today when she was having a particularly hard time fighting a nap.Poor Ed!But that's an entirely different post. I was asked to place Ed somewhere, because, silly you, elves don't run around in front of humans during day light hours.Bella has a theory that she shared with me the other day.It goes a little something like this: Bella" Mommy, how do the elves tell Santa what we're doing?" Me:"Well, Bella, the elves are magical so they just pop back over to Santa and give him a daily report." She looks slightly perturbed and confused.Bella:'Mommy, why don't they just call him?" Me:"Well, Bella they can magically just pop back to Santa, why waste the minutes?"(I'm slightly exasperated.This lie has gotten too big,You know I can't lie!)Bella: "Mommy?" Me;"Yes?"Bella: "Mommy, I think Santa has secret cameras in the house and can see everything we do!"I'm speechless.After all, she is only 5 years old.First, she has rationalized the Tooth Fairy and now elves with spy cams? Me:"No,Bella.they.pop.back. to .Santa.every.night!"

This letter from Santa makes me cry, a little bit.It choked me up reading it to the girls.

Every night, I move the elves to different positions and to different random spots in throughout the house; the bathroom ( taking a poop, surprise Ed's watching), eating breakfast (Surprise Analee is in the chair next to you),putting your clothes in the hamper (Be careful you'll squish Ed), reaching for the milk ( oooh, poor Ed is chilly in the fridge..no sneaking candy!)turn on the fireplace (oh no, be careful Analee is getting hot under the collar).You get the point?

And so starts another year of the mischievousness that is the elf visitors.Elf on a shelf my ass, those little suckers are running all over my house. It scares my girls that our little visitors wield so much power in their tiny hands.They are roaming free, recording every single scream, yell, hair pull, piss my sister off moment/ talk back to my Mommy, fighting my bedtime, not going to eat my asparagus moment that goes down in our house..and apparently, so are Santa's spy cams!So, remember you better watch out, you better not pout,you better not cry, I'm telling you why..Santa's sending his henchmen to rat on you!Happy Christmas!

How the Grinch almost Stole Mommy

2010-12-08T08:23:00.000-05:00

The holidays for me are usually all warmth and fuzziness, mostly. Don't get me wrong they are chocked full of craziness but right underneath the surface of all the chaos, complete happiness is bubbling its way to the surface and about to spill over. But for some reason, this year things feel... off. It all looks great on paper, we are doing all the things that should be done to make wonderful memories for our girls but for some reason, I don't feel like my heart is in it. I don't feel the bubbly goodness rising to the top as it should be this far into December.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am watching the finances closely since this year has been full of new jobs, relocations and maintaining separate households, which is nothing to speak of the fact that our whole life has been suspended and not quite right with the Big Guy not living here. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with being overwhelmed by the to do lists and not enough time to accomplish the tasks at hand. I have been buried under snow for most of December and there's been no time for shopping, baking, enjoying. Its been a series of appointments and dates. Truly, I feel like my girls are being jipped out of their Christmas. I've been so caught up in all the obligations that I've been snapping at my girls and firing snark from my mouth like an AK-47.I know on more than one occasion, lately, I've given them the "are you retarded?" look and may have even said something to that effect, but not quite as awful. But the sentiment was there and that is as guilty as saying the words themselves. Thoughts become words and words become actions.Well, even thinking that makes me a really horrible Grinch of a mother, in my book. I don't want to be THAT person.I don't want my girls to think it even fathomable that I could mean such awful words.The thought of them believing that I think they are anything less than amazing or that my love is conditional upon whether or not they are pleasing to me, makes me sick to my stomach.I want to be happy, excited and gay. I need to get my warm fuzziness boiling back over. I want to spread it all over my children like warm molasses.

Christmas is not about things to do, places to be or presents to open; Christmas is about love, peace and people.I want my girls to look back on their childhood Christmases and remember the cuddles in front of the fire, spontaneous Christmas cookie baking, making fudge with Daddy, snowball fights, and watching Christmas Movies; staying up late to put cookies out for Santa and going to mass with the whole family.It's firsts snows and snow angels.It's togetherness.It's a series of moments that form a lifetime. I want it to be a feeling in their heart.I want it to be the spirit of something larger than us; of hope, love and joy. I'm clearing out the clutter of my life and my mind and going forth, my only true obligation is going to be to see to it that my girls are happy.Everything else is secondary.

Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas,
Come this way! Come this way!

When Happiness hits You like a Train...

2010-12-07T09:41:00.000-05:00

This song is the beat that my soul is dancing to in the rain these days. It is ferocious and pulchritudinous.All encompassing agony and panoptic ecstasy all in one moment. It IS the moment that you truly love someone, it is sweet repose and cacophonous awakening.It is your heart exploding to make room for all the love that it is about to give and receive.It is adrenaline, breath seizing fear, all embracing passion; it is everything.It is nothing.It is genteel and savage.It postulates that you obstreperously shout and church whisper simultaneously.It is a sublimely religious experience.It is the air that you breathe in to sustain you, the water that quenches your exsiccating thirst, the nourishment that feeds the vast gaping hole in your heart. It is excruciatingly beautiful and awe-inspiringly ugly, a choir of halcyon angels and the torturous scream of the banshee concurrently.It sets your soul on fire and compels you to wrap yourself in its engulfing flames.It makes you audacious and at the same time paralyzingly terrifies you.It is death and birth.It is life, it is here all we need do is open our hearts and our minds to it. It is too beautiful for words.

Dog Days Are Over

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from youExcept everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than
that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Florence & the Machine

Waah,Waah,Waah;Nutrisystem update week 5

2010-12-07T09:30:00.002-05:00

Well, this morning when I stepped onto the scale, I am fairly certain that I heard a :WaahWaah Waah! Seriously, it mocked me. This morning the scale had not moved from last weeks weigh in. I am at a7.5 pound weight loss for 5 weeks. This is not where I wanted to be this week. I know that according to guidelines, I am right on track for a 1-2 pound weight loss per week. I just thought I was going to be the exception to the rule and be at a whopping 12 pound loss by now but obviously,that is not what has happened. I can not redo the past week. The only thing that I can do is move forward with a new attitude and an even bigger determination to succeed.I know exactly why the scale has not budged.It's not like I sat around eating bon bons and drinking coke, but there was the Saturday evening that we went out for pizza and I had a piece of pizza ( regular pizza not my Nutrisystem pizza) and 2 pieces of garlic cheese bread,and where I added carbs I minused vegetables. The moment the food hit my lips, the soundbite " a minute on your lips, forever on your hips" played loudly in my head. I knew it was a bad choice but I made it anyways and the indiscretion has weighed heavily on my success ( no pun intended). It probably also didn't help that I zumba'd a grand total of once last week. So, the moral of the story is for the plan to work, you have to follow the plan. I strayed and so did my success. I've learned my lesson.I don't want to hear that scale mock me ever again.I won't allow it. I've already done my zumba this morning.The Quebradita almost killed me but it felt awesome knowing I was doing an "In Yo face" to the scale! Next time I consider that slice of pizza, I will be playing the soundbite "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!"

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Tooth Fairy; You creepy little bastard!

2010-12-02T08:23:00.001-05:00

Recently, it seems that my girls are growing up at lightening speed. The phrases that pass their lips, the mannerisms, the reading, the attention to detail in their looks, and especially the observations that they make of the world..blow my mind. Here is one of Bella's gems,as of late.

photo courtesy of google images

Bella recently lost her very first tooth.It was right around Halloween.She was very excited. Her father and I were, let me honest, pretty sad because, you see, this represents her growing up.This is just another first part of letting go.Bet you never knew losing baby teeth had such a deep meaning, did you? Though we may not be thrilled about what it symbolizes, you know we had to make a BIG GIGANTIC deal about it. This is the FIRST tooth.Grandma sent a little satin pillow to place the tooth in and put under my Bella's pillow and there was a little book to record the moment. I snapped pictures and wiped away a tear*sniff,sniff* It happened on a Thursday, in the middle of the night and Bella told me that she wanted to wait for her Daddy to be home, so he could be part of this momentous occasion. Friday comes, the Big Guy is home, while he and I are hushedly discussing the going rate for a first tooth these days and deciding whether or not one of us had to hit the ATM, Bella walks right up to us and delivers this proclamation; "Mommy and Daddy, I don't think I am going to put my tooth under my pillow tonight!" We look at one another bewildered. Did I mention she had been waiting for this tooth to fall out since she started kindergarten and all the other kids were missing teeth? Me:"Why not, sweetie?" Bella:"Well, Mommy, I was thinking about it and its pretty creepy that the tooth fairy comes in the middle of the night and steals my tooth!" I shake my head in agreement. My husband is stifling his laughter because really he is just a giant 10 year old,plus it was pretty freaking funny.She was dead serious! Me:"Well, Bella, the fairy doesn't really steal it. She takes your tooth away and leaves you some money.She buys it!" Bella: "Mommy, I don't think my teeth are for sale!"

photo courtesy of google images

So the kids got a point. It is a pretty creepy idea of some little freaky tooth obsessed fairy coming into your bedroom, in the middle of the night, and stealing your discarded teeth away.Who does my Bella think is coming? The tooth fairy? Or the Chupacabra? In exchange the fairy leaves the child a little monetary token on their nightstand, like a John would do for his hooker. It's all very seedy. Perhaps, we should have given this story a little more thought. I could not in good conscience argue this point with her.I simply told her : "Bella, you don't have to give your tooth to the tooth fairy tonight.We can just hold on to it and when /if you decide to leave it for the fairy, we can do that too,OK?" Bella looks at me perplexed and then she has a eureka look on her face. Bella: "Mommy, why don't you and Daddy just give me the money and you can keep the tooth!"Uh oh, the jig is up before it even began. I back peddled and told her something about angering the tooth Gods and throwing off the natural balance of the universe or something to that effect(who can remember, I was floundering to save her childhood) and then I quickly exited the room with her innocence in tact.

Whew! What's next? The Easter Bunny? Fairy Godmothers? Santa Claus?Unicorns? Somebody slow down this ride, I want to get off.Where are the brakes? What do you do when your child starts questioning the fictitious people in their lives?

Wordless Wednesday: This is Love

2010-12-01T00:20:00.003-05:00

Nutrisystem Week 4 Update; Slow & Steady wins the race ( The VLOG)

2010-11-30T10:26:00.001-05:00

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Sorry, the quality isn't better but I just wanted to give you all an update! You rock! Thank you for the support!I couldn't do this without all of your encouragement!Down 7.5 pounds in 28 days, YEY ME!!!! Happy Mothering!

I'm cheezy because I lost 7.5 pounds and I get to drink my coffee out of this awesome new mug! Don't you just love it? My bloggy diva narcissism shining through, once again! For some reason, I keep hearing that song "Don't you wish your Mug was hot like mine! Don't cha wish your Mug was a freak like mine?Don't cha?" I don't know if I'm giddy about the weight loss or just plain silly.What do you think?

Game of Chicken Anyone?

2010-11-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

This month is closing in on me like a Mac truck racing towards my bumper, suffocating me in the process.It started with turkey and family, and now its all a blurred haze of running to and fro, shopping, the Nutcracker is any day now, schools wrapping up, I was just informed that I am to help cook ( must be homemade..wtf?Even my kids don't get homemade at this time of the year) for the teacher's breakfast next month and then I got the surprise of a summons for jury duty.I almost fell to the ground in a crumpled pool of tears and assumed the fetal position.How the hell am I to fit jury duty into an already packed schedule with no family here to help? What the fuck am I, the bionic woman? Then there is Christmas. Is it just me or is anyone else feel like they are playing an intense game of chicken with Christmas?

In past years ( back when shopping was still fun for me), I'd try and have all my shopping done before the dreaded Black Friday.I thought I was so cool, all aloof and above these crazed housewives trying to save $2 on some ridiculously priced toy du jour. Oh yeah, I was a real asshole. Then I had kids and I thought, what the hell, I'll do the Black Friday thing.I'll play the game. The Big Guy and I went and had coffee while my MIL stayed with the baby ( she was like 8 months old).Hell, she was still sleeping by the time we had returned.There was no urgency. None at all. We were going to buy her what we wanted, no matter what it cost because she was THAT fucking special ( she takes after her Mommy).We'd even go out that afternoon, with her in tow, to buy stuff ( usually for ourselves) on the good discounts.It was a blast.

The couple years later, we had 2 kids. Money was getting a little tighter and so we decided this Black Friday had a little more importance to our lives.We had a plan, a reconnaissance mission, if you will.The objective;split up, recover the coveted items, rendezvous and pay. Simple, right?Newspapers were bought, items circled, routes plotted. We were ready.Hurrah! Then it happened...Toys R Us!If you've never experienced TRUS on Black Friday( or as I like to call it the fifth dimension of hell) you have no idea of which I speak. Imagine if you will hundreds of weary eyed,exhausted, broken spirit, broken mind, broken body, broken pocket book mommies and daddies waiting in the rain for a couple of hours with our same mission and a little more determined. These were the marines of parents, they were not backing down and they looked CRAZY! I'm not ashamed to admit it, I was a little afraid. The doors opened and these people, grown adults with children of their own, broke free like bats out of hell into Toys R US. There were carts being rammed, people pushed up against door jams, dolls ripped from Grandmother's hands, in some cases, Grandmothers being beaten with said doll.It was my worst nightmare. The Big Guy and I said the hell with it, there is NOTHING in this joint worth risking our lives for..not even a damn Zune for $40. We backed our certainly out of our depth asses right the hell out of Toys R US,lucky to escape with all of our extremities and life. Beep, Beep, beep....new parents coming through. I'm sure I saw others, more seasoned parents, smirking at us and our defeat as they slightly released the death grip on their Baby Alive Dolls.

After that experience, last year we skipped it all together. We refused to even acknowledge the day existed. It was far too traumatic.The plan this year was to go out on BLACK Friday and get all my shopping done. This year, I have been a Mommy for 5 years. This year, money is tight.The year has been hard with all the traveling, tears and Daddy being away.This year, I wasn't taking any bullshit.This year, I wasn't taking any prisoners and if someone thought they were ripping anything out of my hands...they were risking their life and sadly mistaken.I had become my own worst nightmare. Then, after all the psychological psyching out and physical conditioning...my baby sitter crapped out on me!WHAT?

So, here I am. I've missed out on Black Friday, Cyber Monday holds no real enticement for me, and the month is packed full of responsibilities and appointments.Wonder if my girls would go for just getting a shit load of love under the tree..THAT I can provide.They get that every day.Too bad I can't wrap up hugs, kisses, cuddles, sleepy smiles, children's laughter, long lingering hugs,quiet moments, and priceless little voices lifted up in song. That's all I want for Christmas..and maybe some alone time with my Big Guy. For now, back to my game of chicken between me and Christmas.Who's going to swerve first..not me!Christmas, you will be my bitch!Well, if you call being my bitch, me shopping online until the wee hours of the night.But what about this jury duty business? Well, I'm not above crying and they would be real tears! What's your worst Christmas shopping experience?

Nine Glorious Days

2010-11-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

It's been a glorious nine days but, as all good things, the Big Guy had to return to our regularly scheduled life; him living some place else, me left behind to tend to our life here. When he is gone, all week long, I have become accustomed to it. Neither of us like it, but both of us accept it. It is our status quo.But nine fabulous days ago, on a Friday in November, the Big Guy came home and surprised me with the news that he would be lingering at home with us for nine glorious days. This was certainly ~~good~~ great news.

You don't feel the full effect of how much you actually miss someone, until you allow yourself to admit it to ...yourself. That's what I did. That's where I've been, soaking in every single, last moment that we were gifted with together these last few days. Seeing my girls happy and smiling in the security of knowing that when they awoke the following day, Daddy would be there to hug and kiss them, to drive Bella to school, to hold Gabi's hand as they walked back to the car, to look across the table at lunch time and see his robust smile and hear his hearty laugh at the most inappropriate times. That is the good stuff. Those are the moments that we all take for granted. To have my husband there to help put the girls to bed, to cuddle and spoon with on the couch while watching really bad television, to linger in one another's arms in the morning as the girls happily scurried from room to room singing some made up song to wake us up on a Saturday morning.To be able to cook together, to enjoy one another's company, to watch him sit with our girls in the dark media room and hold them close as they watch Christmas movies together, to see all three of them bask in the happiness that only daddy/daughter time together can bring.To know that tomorrow would come and he would be able to remain. To be peaceful without the impending doom of departure looming over head is a luxury that we took granted for so long but not now. Now, every single moment together is a gift.

The nine days were amazing for us, to most, they would be considered ordinary. For our family, they were extraordinary. We have not had nine consecutive days together in the same residence since this past February. It has been hard, on all of us. I never realized that just his physical presence makes such a difference to all of us.It brings us comfort, security, and love.He is our touchstone. He is my rock. He is their Daddy, which is the most important person in a little girl's life.

I never considered before that a husband who works long hours and is only seen for a few minutes in the morning as he kisses you goodbye or a couple hours at night before you go to sleep could have such an impact. In the past, I may have felt like I was doing everything and perhaps sometimes he could have helped me out a little more but at the end of the day, he was there. If I needed someone to run an errand, or I was sick and needed to linger in bed for a few extra minutes, or one of the kids needed wiping, or I needed someone to pick up dinner, take out the trash, listen at the end of the day, a warm body to cuddle up to and recharge from an energy zapping day...he was always there. Before, I may have felt like I did everything but now I actually am, and there is a BIG difference.

Tonight, our nine day dream had to end and, as I sit here typing, we are back to the cold reality that Friday can't come fast enough. The girls were teary eyed and slightly irrational, as were he and I.We had become so drunk on all the time together that the hangover will surely feel like the end of the world, at least for the next couple of days. If you are lucky enough to have the ones you love with you, give them an extra cuddle and kiss, you never know when that may not be the case. What is the hardest part for you when your Big Guy travels?How do your children react? How do you handle the anxiety that separation brings?

Thankful

2010-11-25T13:00:00.001-05:00

Today is one of my favorite holidays of the year.Why ,besides loads of awesome food, is it my absolute favorite,you ask? Because it is the holiday that I host! Yes, me, the Big Guy and our girls host 30 or so of our beloved family members at our house. God bless them, everyone of them live out of town at least an hour and a half drive but its our annual Truthful Mommy & Big Guy celebration and it is amazing. My parents, his parents, our brothers and sisters, their spouses and children, grandparents and any friends or extended family that needs or wants to stop by. It is complete craziness but it is beautiufl and warm. I get fuzzy just thinking about their arrival.So, today in commemoration of these wonderful people and the sentiment behind this holiday, I am listing what I am thankful for!

I am thankful for my beautiful little girls, who have made my life worth living.

I am thankful for the Big Guy who without his foresight and willingness to follow his heart against his good senses, none of this would have ever been possible.

I am thankful for my parents who I love with all my heart for trying their best and raising 6 children who love and respect one another above all else.

I am thankful for my in-laws who have chosen to take me in and love me like their own daughter, despite how different we are.

I am thankful for my brothers and sisters who are my best friends and greatest supporters in life. They are my rocks.

I am thankful for my brother in law because he is not an in law, he is simply my brother.

I am thankful that my brother in law has found his very own wonderful lady.

I am thankful that God has given me so many fabulous people to share my life with.

I am thankful for my truest friends, who are few but mighty.You ladies rock my world on a daily basis by your selfless, unconditional love. You set the bar high and make me want to be a better woman. (Jen, Nicole, Nikki,Sarah....I Love You girls!)

I am thankful for all the awesome people who read this blog. Knowing that you read this blog gives me great happiness. YOU understand me and your support and love is priceless.

I am thankful for littles lying in my bed at night reaching out for me to give me random hugs.

I am thankful for surprise work from home weeks, in which the Big Guy gets to be home with the girls and myself.

I am thankful for the happiness in my daughters faces and the smiles on their faces that having their Daddy home brings.

I am thankful for the wonderful Moms who I have met through this blog, and twitter (Naomi, Alexandra, Liz,Laura,Jenni,Dawn,etc) you ladies inspire me and make me smile on a daily basis.

I am thankful for so much that its too long for a post.Mostly,I am thankful for where my life has brought me and all the wonderfully fabulous people in my life!God bless and Happy Thanksgiving!
Gobble,Gobble!!!

Nutrisystem;Week 3 Complete

2010-11-23T00:15:00.001-05:00

I just finished my third week on Nutrisystem. I am down another pound bringing my grand total in the three weeks to 5.5 pounds lost. This past week consisted of a lot of running around and traveling. I am certain that the results could have been a higher loss if I had not been traveling. It's difficult to stick to the meal plan when you are going to a place where you don't have access to a microwave and will be having to dine out for the entire day. I did make much better choices than I would have previously made but not as good as if I had been at home.

I am happy with my 1 pound loss for the week. I have also been learning what foods I really love and which ones, not so much. This is helpful to know because its a lot easier to stick to a plan when you actually enjoy what you are eating. I am particularly fond of the beef patties and flat bread pizza. It allows me to not feel deprived when everyone else around me is eating something that I would deem "yummy". I've also found out that Nutrisystem has a select plan that offers frozen foods such as omelets, french toast, meatball subs, and ICE CREAM, to name a few! I am so excited by the added variety but the ice cream has made me so excited, I could almost cry:) Aside from carbs, ice cream has always been one of those foods that I decided a long time ago that I would rather do an extra hour ( or two if necessary) of cardio than forgo my ice cream. Now, thanks to the Select program...I can have the best of both worlds. I can't wait to try it out!

Hope every one has a fabulous Thanksgiving, sharing wonderful times with those you love. Enjoy the day and remember the things that you are thankful for in your life. I know I am thankful for Nutrisystem and this opportunity to change my life.

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2010-11-22T09:58:00.003-05:00

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! On the other hand, is it? Sure, it’s merry and great, filled with bright lights and shiny ornaments, Santa Claus, memories that warm the very cockles of your heart, and a plethora of gifts…for the little ones. However, how is it for us parents, really? It’s stress, commitments, over extending personally and financially, wrapping gifts, last minute shopping sprees, cooking, cleaning, traveling, and laundry. Oh, my! All compounded by the fact that we still have to perform all the menial tasks of our day-to-day life; housework, job, working out and what have you.

Pictures with Santa 2005

Don’t get me wrong; I do love the holidays, as much as anybody else does. In fact, I absolutely adore and embrace all the chaos that comes with the holiday season. Every year at this time, you know sometime between Halloween and New Years Day, my world seems to work itself into this great big foaming mass of chaos. It’s like a sugar high for the soul. I don’t remember it being like this before I had my girls. I, fondly, remember the holidays consisting of leisurely shopping trips in which I employed the one for you two for me technique. By the end of the season, I had accumulated a fabulous new wardrobe at a very reasonable price and all family and friends were sufficiently presented with a gift that they would thoroughly enjoy. The husband got anything his heart desired. Parents received a very thought filled, non-cookie cutter gift. Win; win, right? That was then.

Fast-forward six Christmases, the holiday season consists of Halloween costumes that have been changed in triplicate. School Halloween parties. Nutcracker auditions. Thanksgiving feasts for upwards of 30 people hosted by me because I am trying to create traditions and memories for my girls. In the past, we would have enjoyed attending dinner at one of our Mother’s houses but since we’ve had our children and want to include everyone in the holidays, we are now hosting both sides of the family at our home. Nutcracker rehearsals, Thanksgiving parties at school, the Nutcracker tea, and the Light festival. Black Friday, three Christmases, two Christmas parties, a school Christmas party, a pageant, Church, more last minute shopping for someone I’ve inevitably forgotten, a New Years eve gathering amongst family and a partridge in a pear tree. There is barely time to breathe little lone sit back and truly enjoy the smiles and giggles of little people in my life. Get the picture?

Bella's 1st Christmas as a Big Sister

The girls first Christmas together

Gabi's first present EVER!

When we look back at the pictures a year from now or twenty, they will reflect the happiness of the end results; Girls in their (final choice) costumes trick or treating amongst their friends or walking hand in hand into the sunset on a journey to get more candy. The Thanksgiving photos will be an agglomeration of warm-hearted smiles and hugs on full bellies. Photos of cousins hugging, grown ups enjoying one another’s conversation, Grandparent’s holding children closely, Rock band marathons, and love…loads and loads of love, right there in the heart of our home; the kitchen. Christmas photos will be bright lights, family parties, Christmas trees, and smiles on children’s faces as wide as the Montana sky. The pictures will reflect the true sentiments of the holiday season and none of the bitter chaos of its preparation. That’s Mommy and Daddy’s little secret, sort of like Santa Claus.

Our second Christmas with both our little girls

Last year, Bella's first ever Christmas pageant for school

The girls @ the Nutcracker tea 2009 in Richmond

Therefore, you see, it really is the most wonderful time of the year. Nevertheless, the memory is different depending on your perspective. Stress is the killjoy of happiness. Let go; embrace your chaos and enjoy your littles. When you look back in 20 years, don’t you want the memory to match the photo? Happy Holidays and Happy Mothering!

Santa at Macys in Chicago this year during Light Festival

My girls and I having lunch @ the Walnut Room in Chicago

Wordless Wednesday;Nutcracker Tea Edition

2010-11-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

Impostor in the House of Mommy

2010-11-17T10:27:00.001-05:00

Some days I wonder what am I doing? Who have I become? What have I done to deserve this? Whose life am I leading?Really, whose life am I leading?Someone please tell me and when the hell did I become someones Mommy and wife?

We all compare ourselves to other Mothers.They are our gauge. They are who we measure our self against when we are alone in our thoughts.Most likely we feel like we are coming up short.At least I do, on those days when the whole thing feels like its a house of cards and I have sneaked into the game but have absolutely no idea what he hell I am talking about or doing. I feel like I will be discovered for my deceit at any moment and my rouse will be ousted for all the world to laugh at.This is motherhood for me. I do have moments where I feel like damn, I am doing a stellar job.I am kicking ass at this gig and then I remember that I forgot to brush my 3 year olds teeth...again or that I forgot to read my 5 year old's library book that has to go back today or we are having cereal for dinner..AGAIN. Or when they are both having meltdowns and arguing with me simultaneously and I lose it. Those are the shameful moments.The moments that I want to crawl into a cave, fall into a pool of snot and tears, and wave my white flag admitting defeat.

But who, WHO is going to do this job better than me? Who else is going to love my children with their everything; I love my kids with my entire being.That is why they can make me crazy and break me down.That is why I feel like a failure. That is why my standards are set so high. Not because I love them less but because I love them more than I know how to express. When Motherhood is good it is blissful, when my girls are sweet little angels and we are cuddling up watching some Disney movie while munching on pizza and milk or lying in bed at night, quiet and still like Gods most precious creature. These moments , I almost can't stand how wonderful they are.These are the moments that make me question why I don't have 6 kids like my Mom. But when its bad, its gut wrenching and mind fucking and it hurts..bad.I don't think there is anything quite as awful for a Mother than being overwhelmed and exhausted and having to be helpless as your child runs a 105 degree temperature. You do everything you possibly can, while your hurt breaks for a whimpering child and you wait for something worse to happen.Or having to lie on top of your 3 year old little boy to hold him down as they do a spinal tap on him for his leukemia and hear him scream "I hate you Papi" as he cries helplessly and lashes out at the only person he knows that loves him so unconditionally that it doesn't matter what he says, Papi will still love him.The helplessness is crippling.

So, when I feel like I am an impostor in the house of Mommy I have to remind myself that I am human, first and foremost. No one is perfect. We are not born Mommies. We are not sent off to school to train for this job. There is no license or certificate of achievement. There is only loving..lots and lots of loving , growing and learning. What makes you feel like a spy in the house of Mommy? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed and under qualified for this job? What makes you feel accomplished? What do you do with your children that you know is right and amazing? Now, go forth and love your munchkins because no body can do that better than you!Breathe.... Happy Mothering!

Mommy Truisms; The Trust Your Gut Edition

2010-11-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted any of my truisms so I may have went overboard. Of course, they are all true and we all need to know that we are not alone in this crazy ride we call Motherhood. So, hang on to your cute little crocheted hats ladies...it's going to be an exciting and bumpy ride!Happy Mothering!

No matter how much you spin, Turbo Jam, or Zumba your body will never go back exactly the way it was before babies. It may be just as good but it is changed forever.

If you've given birth, you WILL pee just a little if you sneeze or laugh too hard. Expect it. If you don't like it...Kegel it and/or get yourself some Mommy type pantie liners.You can not prevent this from happening, no more than you can prevent your stomach getting large when pregnant.

Once you have a child, you will NEVER get enough sleep again...ever..for the rest of your life!

Children can live on cheeze-its, string cheese and apples alone. I call it the connoisseur in training program. Add some grape juice to that combo and you are raising a child with a discerning palette.

Stretch marks are not sexy...to anybody.Anybody who tells you they are is either a) a liar b) a liar or c) really desperate for sex and totally in love with you for giving birth to their big headed child:)

If you ask your child a question and they a)smile...just a little bit ( more of a grin really) b)look away and say "I don't know" or "No" c) if they blush even the slightest whilst avoiding eye contact and grinning; they are lying to you.

Kids can be unintentionally cruel because half the time they know not the meaning of the words they are using, so always remember to take any insults they hurl at you with a grain salt.I realize it still hurts your heart but they DON'T mean it! If they did, I would have already thrown myself in the river as many times as my 3 year old has told me "Mommy, me hate you!", today alone.

There is NOTHING, absolutely nothing, in the entire world that is sweeter than a two little arms hugging your neck and telling you "Mommy, you are the best Mommy in the whole wide world!"Of course, their world usually only includes your house...but hey, its nice to be queen:)

NEVER underestimate the power of a good Mommy friend, no Mommy is an island. You need her more than you know. When you find a real one, put yourself into her loving hands. She could possibly save your life.

When your little girl has her first crush and the little boy's Mom informs you that they will be attending the Nutcracker solely to see your daughter perform ( because the little boy has demanded it) try not to flash forward to her wedding and tear up.They really do grow up too fast, don't relinquish one moment of their childhood..in your head or otherwise.

Some days, you may feel isolated, overwhelmed, exhausted and like you have completely lost your mind..you probably have but take solace in the fact that there are many more of us out there like you than you think or could possibly know.

There will be a time in your Mommy life when you are on the fence whether you want another baby or not, when that happens and your ovaries start twitching and your uterus begging for a tenant, take a minute and think it over honestly. Remember, all the long sleepless nights, breastfeeding issues, explosive diarrhea diapers and then ask yourself... do I still want to go through that again?If the answer is yes or I don't mind...Go for it! ( well, after consulting your spouse of course:)

There is nothing more cute than a 5 year old and a 3 year old in their new dresses at a tea party, and nothing as lovely as the excitement and wonderment in their eyes when they watch the Nutcracker ( or anything to do with Christmas for that matter) ballet for the first time.

As a mother, sometimes you will have to say, do things, be friends with people you don't like for your children's best interest..learn it, live it, love it!

It is your right as the Mommy to refuse to let your child go on a field trip that has no chaperones, two teachers and 47 kids.Do not buckle under peer pressure. It's your child; it's your decision..final answer!

In all things concerning your child's well being, trust your gut.It' s not just there for show, its there for a reason.

There is something unresistably precious about a half asleep baby stumbling out of bed and climbing up into your life( Freudian slip) lap and cuddling (even if it is 10:30 and you're trying to write a post) let them. Savor the moment. Kiss the top of their head and bask in their cuddles.Soon, they will outgrow your lap.

Momversation Fresh Voice of 2010

2010-11-15T13:55:00.000-05:00

Hey Ladies,

Its your chance to help me make one of my Bloggy dreams come true. Momversation is kicking off their very first award season! Yep, they're looking for the best emerging and undiscovered talent in the mom blogosphere. So if you think The TRUTH about Motherhood a fabulous blog, spread the word and nominate me in the provided form on Momversation.com. You could help me become Momversation's Fresh Voice of 2010! Thanks for your support!You rock. Happy Mothering!

Debi

(Truthful Mommy)

In the real world...Life happens

2010-11-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

I just finished week 2 of Nutrisystem and I have lost another 1.5 pounds. I will admit I was a little upset that it wasn't the 3 pounds of last week but then again it was my 'water retention' week of the month. Not to mention, I ate dinner away from home twice. It wasn't like I ate fast food but it also wasn't my Nutrisytem food so I am sure that had a lot to do with it. But then again this is real life and I want you to know that I am not perfect and life throws us unexpected curve balls. So, what did I do? I took it for what it was and I jumped back on the Nutrisystem plan. That's the key, you can't give up and have the mentality that "I messed up on this meal, the whole day's a wash. So,I'll eat whatever I want." It's so easy to fall into that.I've done that many, many times before and look where its landed me..wondering why I gained so much weight, even though if I had just been honest with myself...I would have know exactly where my plan got derailed.

I am still loving the food. Obviously, there are some foods that are better tasting to me than others but of course that is a matter of personal taste.I can tell you that if you eat a piece of Nutrisystem pizza while your family has Papa Johns or Pizza Hut, you will be just as fulfilled. Of course, I wouldn't recommend, for me anyways, eating the Nutrisystem Orange chicken while your family is eating P.F. Changs...its just not the same when you are looking at their plates.One thing that I have been eating a lot of and really loving is buying those big bag salads and then sauteing some stir fry chicken cut breasts and topping the salad.I'll have that with a Nutrisystem trail mix bar for lunch some days and it is amazing!

So, here I am week 2 and I am down 4.5 pounds and I am ecstatic because 4.5 pounds down is better than even one ounce up, especially at this time of year! My way of thinking is changing too as my body is changing. I have noticed that I am a lot more aware of what I am putting into my mouth.The mindless eating has ceased. Writing everything down and knowing the correct portion sizes has made a huge difference. Another thing that I have done, which is helpful to me, I have taken a poster board and divided it into four columns 1)Date 2)Actual weight ( when I weigh myself each week) 3) Goal weight (I've set a goal of 2 pounds a week, just to keep me focused) 4) Exercise ( I tick how many times a week I exercise). This is just a visual to help keep me accountable and on task. And last but not least, a very valuable lesson that I have learned this week is DRINK YOU WATER!!! It really makes a difference.

I can feel with each passing day, I am getting a little more comfortable in my skin. Thanks for all the support, my friends. I am loving this journey and can't wait to share with you all when I reach my final destination.

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Mommy Friends; Worth their Weight in Gold

2010-11-12T07:10:00.000-05:00

We all know that our friends are priceless. A good friend to share your thoughts with and have some camaraderie with really can make life a lot happier.It makes things fun. You have a cheerleader, someone who always 'gets' you.Someone, aside from your husband, who you can be yourself with and they still love you...perks and quirks.

There is something even more precious than a friend and that is the rare mythical creature called a Mommy friend.I'm not referring to the ladies in the drop off line that you share nothing with other than being mothers of kindergartners. I am not referring to the ladies in the Moms Groups that have to be nice to you because you go to church together.I'm not even referring to those Stroller Striding, Gymboree, baby wearing mates that you spend your days with. Hell, I am not even touching on the Moms you met through common friends and who you have coffee and gossip with while the kids run a muck.The group I am referencing is that very small piece of the population that you meet through some kid like function, your eyes meet, she looks normal, your kids like her kids, her kids like your kids, and you actually can have a conversation outside of your children about, you know, the other things in your life. *gasp*

I know its verboten to speak of such things but it happens occasionally. You know the lady you unsuspectingly meet at ballet class or while at the library checking out ~~dvds~~ books and you have the same parenting technique, you are both drowning in the velvet sea of children and someone takes mercy and tosses the other a flotation device...you know, to save her life!And its like falling in love, but without all the sex to mess it up. You recognize her by her nervous smile and exhausted sighs. In that moment, she rescues you from the isolation that was your island of parenting solitude.

I've always had a lot of friends.That's just who I am. I come from a large family and that's what we do..people and relationships. When you're from a large family with not a lot of money, you have to develop a personality.It's the only thing that you've got to offer. I noticed as I had children, loads of my friendships fell to the wayside. Not because I chose it, or even they did, but we grew apart. Either they didn't have kids or our kids were at vastly different stages in life, leaving us in vastly different stages of motherhood.It makes a difference.It's like being at the beginning of life or the end of life. Of course we could benefit from that relationship but who has the time or energy when you are trying to chauffeur, cook, fold, clean, wipe asses, comb tangled hair,stop littles from eating the toothpaste and running into the street, and about 2000 other things simultaneously.

Its a little scary. I have two children and in the 5 years that they have been alive, I have made 5 in real life Mommy friends. Yes, of course I've met plenty of wonderful ladies to have play dates with or chat up during drop off and pick up but only 5 have I shared a real connection. Only 5 do I want to sit down and talk about whats really going on in my life. Only 5 that would want to share a glass of wine and get my advice. Only 5 that I can unleash my verbal diarrhea on and them actually engage with a thoughtful answer and not a head shake, blank stare and a "Right, right". These ladies are my village. These ladies are the ones who have seen me at my best and my worst and don't judge me for it. Don't think less of me for being human.These friends are worth double their weight in gold. They are my tether to sanity.They are amazing.

Who are your Mommy friends?How and where did you meet them? What do you think qualifies a true Mommy friendship?

Throat Punch Thursday;Beating a Dead Horse Edition

2010-11-12T07:06:00.000-05:00

This weeks Throat Punch Thursday is going to the biggest asshole that I can think of right this moment.Who would that be? Well, there are a plethora of deserving candidates I can assure you but this weeks has to go without a doubt to social media.*gasp*

Yes, I am social media savvy and I spend a ~~fair~~ excessive amount of time on Twitter and Facebook.I love social media, on most days. But over the last month, I have noticed that it is a bit like a soapbox arena for politicians but without ramifications. What I mean to say is politicians can get on their soap box and call for change but they are limited by their place in government, by laws. But in social media, everybody's rogue. Chaos is reigning supreme and its unchartered territory, like the West during the gold rush.

I am all for causing change. I am all about be the change you want to see in the world; being a woman of action and not just words. But...if I see one more fucking hashtag for #Amazonfail or have to hear one more time about the "My Son is Gay" article, or have to be inundated with fackin Maura Kelly and her ignorant comments about the skinny challenged...I swear to God, I am going to kill myself.

First, let's think about it, retweeting and linking Marie Claire and the whole Maura Kelly fiasco, or the Pedo how- to on Amazon did nothing but drive up numbers and sales for these morons. Maybe alert the good people of the Twitterverse of all the injustices of the world without sending the traffic and publicity their way. I could have went my entire life without ever knowing Maura Kellys name or this asshole Phillip Greaves who wrote a book giving advice to pedophiles.

I am so glad that I live in a time and place where Mommies on Twitter can bring the entire country to a screeching halt with the excessive use of a hashtag ( no I am not being facetious). I am glad we are able to right the injustices and alert the authorities, in some cases act as the actual moral police but please..stop with the abuse of hashtags and linking to generate traffic for assholes. This is why social media itself is deemed the biggest asshole, Throat Punch Thursday recipient it is tonight.I am not opposed to bringing things to light for change, but I have a particular distaste for beating a dead horse. I'm not saying not to use your power; but I'd just like to see it used for a positive change. Lets hashtag the hell out of #endworldhunger or #curecancer. If we can stop the perverts, bigots,racists, extremists, and skinny challenged haters of the world...just imagine what we could do for something we are really passionate about.

How do you think social media can be used to make the world a better place? Whats your chosen poison of social media? What injustice would you like to see brought to its knees by the good tweeps of the Twitterverse?

A few more that you might have missed

2010-11-10T08:28:00.000-05:00

You all had such a great response to the throw backs that no one ever read before last week, that I decided to share a few more of these missed gems!Hope you enjoy!

Playdates; A brief deviation from my sequence

Four years have passed since the birth of my first child, that means it has been just about 3 years and 3 months ( give or take) since we entered the world of play dates. I know, we were late to the scene. What can I say. Anyways,I digress. So,at that time we had recently relocated to a new part of the country. I, being bound and determined to give my child the best childhood ever ( because that is my quest , you know),signed us up for a couple of the "it" classes that are imperative for children at that age, if they are to become anyone later in life. We go to our classes and I cast my net. I try and gauge from our brief encounters and the public interactions of Mommies with their children, who just might be worthy of our friendship, or at the very least, which other Mommies were on "my" level. I know, it sounds horrible when you say it out loud. Keep in mind, this scenario is very much like freshman year in college. You are scared, alone, new to the area and willing to befriend and accept just about anyone into your "clique". You've got to start a clique so you can be a part of something. So, to recap, we have a need to belong to the best clique (for our children's benefit, of course) but we are so desperate we end up being play date friends with anyone who'll have us. That is until we get our bearings and regain our senses. In most cases, the original play date relationship dynamic devolves and eventually ends in a slow, painful death. You see, the original net we cast to catch some play date friends usually has a lot of throw backs.Just like freshman year, we find ourselves floundering to unmake the original friendships because we find that we have absolutely nothing in common, except for our one common denominator, said children. Unfortunately, this is not usually enough to sustain a real friendship but it can foster a false sense of belonging. It seems to be ingrained into our minds that we need to subject ourselves to rejection in order to feel accepted. I don't know why we do this as people, little lone as Mommies because then we are dragging these poor children into this pit and doing it all under the guise that "this is whats best for my baby". In our hearts, we mean only good and can never, at its inception, perceive or fathom what twilight zone like situations we may soon find ourselves in! Much more to share about play dates, but we will save that for another day!

Rantings of a Crazy woman; 1st Pregnancy

So, that brings us to the gloriousness of pregnancy. Well, for me, pregnancy was pretty glorious. I only gained 18 lbs. with my pregnancies (of course I started out on the chunky side), mild all day sickness with my first, I had an ass for the 1st time in my life (not so bad), boobs got a little bigger, no hemorrhoids, no excess gas, still loved sex, still slept on my belly, no stretch marks (well, one but it disappeared after birth).No craziness. I just basked in the glory of my pregnancy. It was amazing and I devoured all the attention, ate whatever I wanted (that was allowed), was completely engulfed in the whole experience. Read every book (with and to my husband), sharing facts like they were going out of style. Rented a Doppler, sang to my fetus, played music to it, talked to it, swayed it to sleep. Everything about it was amazing. Took every class, drove a little slower, and kept a journal of my pregnancy. No one told me that I should pamper myself, because it was the last time I’d be able to do anything alone, for the rest of my life. Oh, to go to the toilet without a chaperone trying to eat the toothpaste. Those were the days. But, I wouldn’t trade one moment of toothpaste eating tag to pee alone again, if it meant that I didn’t have my daughters. Alone time is over rated anyways, yeah, just like date nights and spontaneous sex, said the jealous, tired Mommy. That was my first pregnancy!

What really happens the second time around

Fast forward to two years later, we have a beautiful, now demanding toddler (whom I am completely in love with) who wants all of my time, every waking moment. Who decided long ago that co-sleeping was the thing for her, and is still in our bed, with no end in sight? Not that I mind, it’s comforting to see your child’s cherubesque face in the middle of the night when you awaken to pee for the 7th time because you’re 9 months pregnant. But it makes it hard to bask in the glory of the pregnancy of baby number 2, when baby number 1, is still a baby. Still I only gained 18, ok 20, lbs. But for some reason I seemed a lot bigger. Last time, I didn’t even show until I was 8 months pregnant. Seriously, I was thicker in the waist but at my baby shower (2 months before my daughter was born) people were teasing me that I didn’t look pregnant. And I really didn’t, well, only in my ass So here I am, bigger than before, chasing a toddler who has the energy of a boxer puppy on crack cocaine, and I am absolutely drained. I had all day sickness from hell, for 4 months. I had to wear sea sick bands! I looked pretty ridiculous. No one was quite as impressed the second time around. Don’t get me wrong, we were all ecstatic. We planned for baby #2, and got pregnant right away, it was just different because the time that I used to bask in my procreating glory last time, was now being used to shuttle a 2 year old to classes, play dates, and constantly try and explain/prepare her for her new baby sister. I was obsessed with making baby # 1 not feel left out or abandoned by the pending arrival of baby #2. It was exhausting.

2 year old Selective Hearing Syndrome and other nuggets of wisdom

I have began to wonder why none, not one,of the parenting books mentions that around the age of 2 children develop selective hearing.Hearing only the things that they want to hear and specifically those things that you don't want them to hear such as the occasional stump your toe curse word or the fact that your friend needs to lose a couple pounds. Of course they choose to hold on to these nuggets until the most inappropriate times for instance, said friend's nervous breakdown over her looks, or they blurt out some unexpected four lettered gem in the middle of mass.Why is this information not labeled with a warning in the parenting books. Is it just another one of those secrets we keep because it is too much fun to watch the provisionals experience the embarrassment and humiliation that we ourselves did, not so long ago?Beware this is quite frequently co morbid with Constant Repeat disorder. In a nutshell, not unlike my child, your child ignores you and repeats anything they say constantly as to make sure that you have not acquired their selective hearing syndrome.My daughter's favorite repeat phrase is " M..o..m...m.y...EAT!" It is usually repeated in sets of no less then 7 times. Furthermore, even more concerning then the 2 year old selective hearing syndrome, there is the very common but temporary ( I am hoping) 4 year old complete deafness disease. This is a little more frustrating because the onset is normally around the age of 3 to 3 and 1/2 years of age and continues on to about the age of 6, only to reappear at around age 11.So, that is something to look forward to in the coming years. My daughter's particular strain of the disease leaves her completely deaf to any and all requests from her father and I, of any kind, especially those requests that pertain to the well being of her little sister, aforementioned victim of selective hearing syndrome. Sometimes it can be quite scary when you are asking, repeatedly, for the child to stop beating on their sibling, sitting on their sibling,annoying their sibling, doing something dangerous, to eat, be quiet or clean or pick up anything and the child simply does not hear your voice in any form. They become completely oblivious to the parent who is making said requests. Sometimes, we are overcome with the desire to shake said child but don't give in. At the very moment you move towards the child, like a bunny, they scamper and scurry to another room. Leaving you even more frustrated because with 4 year old complete deafness disease, once in another room deafness is absolute and there is no hope for said child to hear anything you will ever say fro the remainder of the day..possibly ever again!

The Perfect Man

2010-11-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Naomi from Organic Motherhood with Coolwhip to describe my perfect man. To be honest, I am happily married to the Big Guy for 11 years now and the idea of being single again is one that is so far removed from my brain that I'm pretty sure that I've forgotten how to do/be it at all. Not to mention, I'd probably rip my hair out going through that process again.I was young the first time.I was hot. It was easy:)However, before I was married to my Big sexy, world traveling, soul mate of mine I had much different criteria.I think hot, a pulse, and a bad attitude were the only requirements. Let's leave it at the fact that I kissed more than my fair share of big, nasty, wart ridden, bad attitude having toads before finding my prince.

And so, without further ado, I will give you my list of qualifications for the perfect man. Obviously, the position is currently and permanently filled, but I do have two sisters and a plethora of female family and friends who would love a man who meets these criteria.

1. Must live in the same zip code.Long distance and traveling can no longer be tolerated on any level. I have had my fill.
2. Must love me unconditionally and blindly.I understand that there are other women out there, but you must never acknowledge their existence in my presence.
3. Must be willing to listen to my narcissistic and incessant ramblings about my blog, why my children are geniuses, how I am always right.Must be able to tolerate my acute case of verbal diarrhea that I have developed as a result of having children and being a SAHM. I am serious, you will be hit with a barrage of words upon your arrival..every day.
4. Must be ready and willing to please me at any moment, as my time is very valuable and you can only get in when I can fit you in.Must also be willing to not get offended if I am too exhausted to reciprocate:)
5. Must be willing to inform me when 'Pedro' is making an appearance, so that I can wax, as I am too busy to notice such things as facial hair because of the hecticness that is my life, plus all mirrors in my house are smudged with tiny hand prints.
6. Must know how to cook,bake birthday cakes, take out garbage, drive a riding mower,do laundry fold laundry,put away laundry, change the toilet paper roll and pick up your socks.
7. Must think I am a sex goddess even when I am being a raging hormonal bitch, am gestating a giant fruit of your loins, or have doubled in size due to water retention.
8. Must be willing to simultaneously film, photograph, hold my hand,look deep into my soul and tell me I am beautiful when I am giving birth.
9. Must not be afraid of a beautiful woman who has a Ricky Ricardo laugh and pees when she sneezes or laughs too hard..
10. Must be willing to laugh at life, cry with me, hold me when I am sad, and love me like you did back when we were in college....before gray hairs, love handles, breasts that fed, and child induced exhaustion set in.
11.Must be willing to take over all parenting duties the moment you walk in the house.
12.Must be adorable to look at and not make annoying sounds when breathing, sleeping, chewing, or talking.
13.Must be willing to reciprocate all that is given to you by me, emotionally, physically, and other!
14.Must like to cuddle on cold nights and go a little Prodigy Firestarter on me, when the occasion dictates.
15.Above all else, must head over heels love crazy, hot tempered, exotic, passionate, mouthy ME!

Thank God, I already found the Big Guy.I never knew I was so picky until I realized he was everything I never knew that I always wanted ( see aforementioned list). Please, tell me what your perfect man would be.Tag your it!

Nestled in between the Rock and the Hard place

2010-11-09T09:20:00.000-05:00

The last few days, life has been weighing on me like a ton of bricks. I've been somewhat of an emotional wreck.I'm feeling as if I am falling short..in every avenue.

I have become accustomed to the weight of the world pushing down on my shoulders like a spring about to be sprung at anytime. This I am used to but kept telling myself.."I" can do this. It's only for a few more months. I can hold it together.If the Big Guy can go away to support his family, leave his home and his children..I can do this. I am afforded the luxury of staying in my own home with our little family by my side. Sure the silence after they go to bed is deafening and sometimes heartbreaking, but it is the least I can do.I owe it to 'Us' to be able to do this.Of course, I have my occasional breakdowns and find myself having a nice long, ugly cry over some seemingly innocuous incident. But then I move on and I am free of the pressure for a little while.

But I forgot about one vital piece of information...them. More important than can I do this, can they do this.

Bella had a terrible time last year when this all began.She had to leave her preschool with all her friends, her teacher, her life.Then when the Big Guy had to leave this past spring again, she was a wreck.He had to leave the day before her 5th birthday. An angry, displaced, overwhelmed little basket of nerves. I understood. I gave her some time and space. I was there with hugs and consolation. I was there overflowing with understanding and love.Always standing by with love. I never want them to feel a lack of love because of the lack of people around to give it. It broke my heart to watch her have to go through this at such a young age. To feel such misery and discombobulation is awful for anyone to experience. Eventually, the anger subsided. She grew up..too much and too fast because she was forced to accept the situation and learn to live with it.This breaks my heart to know that she has lost some of her innocence about the world because of money. I hate to see my children want for anything, especially when it is their Daddy, whom they really do hang the moon on.

There was one person who was silent through it all, my Gabs. Gabs is 3 and this situation with the Big Guy having to be gone, for work, has been going on since right around the time she turned 2.She was just a baby, really. So, I never considered how it would affect her. I don't think I even put her into the equation because she was so small. However now, she is 3 and a half and she has found her voice.She notices everything and she has an opinion.The last 8 months have consisted of me being here with my girls trying to figure it all out, the Big Guy being gone, on his own,alone.It's been Christmas Fridays and funeral Sunday nights left standing on the stoop, while watching through tear filled eyes as my girls run down the road waving bye to their Daddy;screaming "I love you" at the top of their lungs. It's been Sunday nights filled with meltdowns of little girls missing their Daddy. Its been week nights of soothing little broken hearts calling out for their Daddy. It's been hard all the way around. Lately, Gabs has been acting out.She cries for her Daddy almost nightly and she tells me on a regular basis that she hates me and quite frequently can be heard asking "You hate me, don't you?" I know that she doesn't hate me but lately her question has been cutting like a knife through my soul. She wants her Daddy and I am beginning to wonder if she doesn't think I am punishing her by not being together. Does she think I have control of this situation? In her little mind, does she think I have willingly chosen to keep us all apart?

It's almost too much for my heart to bear.The rock and the hard place that I am nestled between is this; Bella is finally comfortable in school ( after being yanked out of her school in Virginia last year) and has finally made friends after the alienation episode at the beginning of this semester. I feel like I owe it to her to make life as normal as possible. After all , she is the child and I am her parent so I need to sacrifice to do what is best for her. That has been the plan since we first pulled this nasty trick on her. The Big Guy and I agreed to sacrifice so that the kids could remain in their home, their city, until the end of the school year..to give them security and stability. It's been incredibly difficult but it seemed to be what was best.

Now,little Gabs is begging me to move us to be with the Big Guy; crying nightly, angry, confused, melancholy and still so small. What do I do? How do I choose? One scenario I pull Bella out, once again, and she has to start over..yet again. That doesn't seem fair. But then on the other hand, Gabs only wants to be with her father.Its such a simple request and a luxury that all children ,with two happily married people,should be afforded.But even this simple request, I can't provide for the little people that I love more than life itself.This weighs heavily on my soul.Am I making the right choice? How can I choose one of my children's happiness over the other? What are going to be the ramifications of these choices we are making today for our children down the line?Am I damaging my little ones?

So, here I sit alone in the quiet reevaluating every decision that I have made since the beginning of this entire situation.The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. It started with goodbye on a Sunday night, the girls started crying and they wore down the armor around my heart.And I haven't been able to regain my strength and stability, the weight of their little breaking hearts has knocked me off of my feet.Today has been a succession of crying over movies, tv shows, Gabs telling me that she hates me, and a bedtime reading of Love You Forever. I feel like a fragile ball of exposed nerves roaming free in the world. I am exhausted from the gravity of this whole ordeal. For now, I'll pull my armor back on and regain my balance, for my girls. But I have to do some very serious soul searching. We think we are giving our children everything they could hope for but in the end, it boils down to what everything is to our children. For my girls, everything is a good night hug from their Daddy. It is priceless. How do I choose who deserves to be happiest? How do I tell one that their needs has to be put aside for the others?

Breathe easy, the journey is long but beautiful

2010-11-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday! It's been one week since I've started my journey with Nutrisystem.I was very excited to start this process because I really want to get back into shape.It seems that every time I've tried to achieve this in the past, my biggest obstacle has been, quite frankly, getting the right foods and the right portion sizes. I don't really have a problem get motivated to do exercise because I actually like the feeling it brings of accomplishment and energy. My issue with exercise is usually a scheduling conflict.But since having a husband and children, its been extremely difficult to find the time and energy to make two dinners. You know what I mean, the dinner for them and the dinner for me. Usually, boiling down to them eating something scrumptious and me eating like a rabbit. It works for a little while then...I get hungry.

When the Nutrisystem program was made available to me, I was ecstatic because obviously it cures the whole portion and having to prepare my own second meal issue. But, I have to admit, I was leery of what packaged food might taste like. But I was determined.My big box of a months supply of food arrived. It was overwhelming. I thought, this is it. Deep breath. This is the first day of the rest of my life.

I've been here before. This place in life,where I've made the big decision and taken the leap. But then life gets in the way. This time is different. My husband, though it really sucks, is gone 5 days a week so I don't have to make a separate meal for him; no worrying about providing a meat and potato meal for a man and his appetite. Three times a day, I make my girls a healthy meal and then I take my little package and pop it in the microwave. I add to it the recommended portions of fruits, vegetables, protein, dairy, and fat provided in my handy nutrition guide.They even allot for a couple snacks!Can you imagine being on a 'diet' and being allowed to eat walnut chocolate chip cookies. For the most part, I have been pleasantly surprised with the taste of the food. My favorite dinner thus far has been the thick pizza.Oh yeah, you heard me right, pizza! Pair it with a nice big salad and dinner is served. In fact, I have to hide it from my girls. My 3 year old, as always, asks for a bite of my food and then she comes back for another, and another. So, that should be proof of the quality of the taste being that it's pleasing to the discerning pallet of my 3 year old.

This journey is about getting healthy and comfortable in my own skin again but I have had a very pleasant unexpected side effect, I have been full of energy. Which is amazing because I was sick all last week and I still had more energy than I normally have on most days. Week one down, I have lost 3 pounds and feel more energetic and never hungry.I am loving Nutrisystem!Now, I need to kick it up a notch and get my Zumba in daily. Finally, I feel like I am making a lifestyle change versus restricting myself. After all, isn't that what brings about the demise of most weight loss journeys? That gnawing torture of feeling left out or deprived. None of that here!

DISCLOSURE: Nutrisystem is providing their program to me free of charge in exchange for my participation in the Nutrisystem Nation Blogging Program and weekly updates. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed in this post are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Proof Positive that Parents are Cool!

2010-11-05T08:52:00.000-04:00

These made my Friday! How can you not smile watching these videos? Happy Friday, you cool people!

Sick Daddy Walking

2010-11-04T08:40:00.000-04:00

Sick Daddy Walking.Really does that even exist? Seriously, when I get sick the world keeps on moving on.Asses need wiped, BooBoos kissed, Dinner made. Lunches packed, Laundry folded.Children chauffeured, dressed, bathed, coddled and loved. The show must go on.(PERIOD)

But when the Big Guy, or any man for that matter, is sick,the world comes to a screeching halt.Full on, falls to the ground, assumes the fetal position and can NOT move.Sniffles are sure to be whooping cough. Diarrhea must be cholera or dysentery. A fever, oh shit,he's pretty sure its the bubonic plague.Vomiting must be fatal food poisoning.No matter the ailment,the end result is the same. They are dying and you must sit by their bedside and nurse their body while stroking their, (ehem) ego!

My husband and I have had the exact same virus, simultaneously and I had to get up and take care of the kids as he whimpered from the other bedroom ( because apparently when he's sick he needs to be alone in another room to get his rest...really,novel idea. Can I borrow it sometime?I need some sleep too!)"What do you want me to do ( cough ,cough)?You shouldn't have to do it all by yourself,( cough, sneeze, sniffle..repeat)but if you're getting up,I think Gabs needs to be wiped!" Commence eye rolling on my part.

Have I told you about the time I had the stomach flu so badly that I vomited for 9 hours straight,every half hour on the half hour? Well, I did and guess what happened on the 9th hour?I finally felt well enough to walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water for my dehydrated self ( it was about midnight)when my then 4 year old walks out of her bedroom, we meet in the hallway, and she proceeds to say "Mommy, I don't feel so...BLEH>>>>" all over my feet.As I was cleaning her up and trying to clean up the hallway and ...my feet, the Big Guy walks out, only to say, "You Ok?" I say yes (yes, in the vomit was not acid like and had not burned off any of my skin or limbs. But not yes as in, I'm OK, life is dandy with vomit on my toes)and try to explain what had happened...to his back as he was headed back to bed.Guess what I got to do that night, after a long day of puking? You guessed it, I got to stay up all night with a sick daughter who kept puking.What did the Big Guy get to do? SLEEP!But if the tables had been flipped, you can bet your ass that I would have had to stay up and hold the barf bucket, wipe vomit off of faces, and soothe all general ill physical pains and emotions.

Just wondering if this happens at your house too? I love my Big Guy but there is something about a man sized baby that makes me want to gouge his eyes out.I just don't understand why they get to be all baby like and get pampered and stroked and we have to soldier on. I'm not a soldier, nor have I ever been, and I don't want to soldier on.When I'm sick, I want to receive the same care and attention the Big Guy and the kids expect from me.I want to be allowed the simple luxury of lying around in my jammies, sipping hot tea, while the world soldier's on without me. For now,( cough, cough, sniff, sniff, and a trifecta of sneezes)I will soldier on!

The Clothing Crisis of 2010

2010-11-02T11:01:00.001-04:00

Remember the good old days when you were trying to change your baby who was, in fact a cruiser or even walking but not quite potty trained, and it was like an episode of the WWF?( or more like WTF, if you were me) Every single time you'd try to diaper them,they would flip over ,quick as lightening, and try to escape, usually before you had gotten the chance to fasten the damn diaper. It was like some crazy game they liked to play and they ALWAYS won. You were left with a naked baby ~~running~~ crawling free and an overwhelming feeling of frustration. Oh, the frustration.Finally, you'd wrangle them back to the ground and in split second put the diaper on.It was like a rodeo event.Then they would gleefully, smirking crawl of into the sunset.You may have thought you won the battle, but really, who was crawling away smiling and who was annoyed? Think about it.

OR the days of trying to fix your hair as you ran away and I had to run right along with you to get those dang ponytails and barette into your hair!Anyways, that battle was cake compared to the battle I am facing with my now 5 year old..every single morning before school, every single time she changes out of her uniform, every single time she gets ready for bed!EVERY.SINGLE.TIME! We argue about what she is going to wear.Have I mentioned she goes to private school and wears a uniform? You would assume that would eliminate some of my headache, right? You would be wrong.Completely wrong!

No way, she still finds a way to argue. Different skirt.Wrong shoes.Knee socks,Short socks. Blue socks. White socks.Corduroy skirt.Pleated skirt.Long sleeve shirt. Navy shirt. White shirt. Baby blue polo.Button up.Navy sweater. Navy sweater with hoodie.Gym shoes. Brown shoes. Mary Janes.Fancier headband. Hair down.Braids. No ponytail.Ponytail.Not high enough! It is like this every single morning and it is driving me insane.Completely out of my mind! It's way worse than that cute little adorable flipping WWF move she did when she was 10 months old.Oh, how I miss the days when that was the most sass she gave me.

I'm beginning to wonder if hormones don't kick in around the age of 4. I know that we all assumed it was at puberty but I'm pretty sure my girl is having mood swings now.Damn,I even go the organic route to avoid all the extra hormones specifically to avoid the early onset of hormone influx.Jokes on me!Guess all that $9 milk was a waste of money.Of course, I will continue to buy it for the risk that it could be worse if she were drinking the hormone laden milk.I 'll just wait for the days when I look back on these days and long for them.For now, how I miss my little naked WWF wrestler.Wasn't that just yesterday?

Oh, how I could go for some flip flopping baby running naked and free!Don't blink these moments are fleeing and I am going to stop and soak them all in.Even the clothing crisis of 2010, for all its worth! Happy Mothering!

Like taking Candy from a Baby

2010-11-01T23:36:00.002-04:00

Before we had children, the Big Guy and I were all about Halloween. It was all about the haunted houses, getting the cream filling scared right out of us, picking out a cute costume and having a great party to celebrate.It was always over the top and spooky and we loved it.We lived for it.

Halloween 2008

Now things are different. Now, we have our girls. Halloween is all about dressing up like your favorite story book character, walking around the neighborhood and hearing people ooh and ahh over our girls as they tell them "Here, you're so cute. Take a couple more pieces!"I find it quite hilarious. I told my husband last night, this whole being cute making life easier thing starts early in life.I'd never noticed before. I couldn't believe how many houses the girls went up to and some elderly gentleman ( Grandpa like) or Daddy type would tell my girls to take an extra helping from the goodie basket. Really, maybe I was over analyzing the whole thing, maybe it was my sickness impeding my senses but we tell our kids not to talk to strangers. We raise them to never take candy from strangers. I try to raise my daughters to know that their worth as a being has nothing to do with the way they look.Yet, we go out on Halloween trick or treating..begging for candy from strangers.Cohorting with strange adults for candy.Smiling and kowtowing for a piece of candy. Then on top of all these mixed messages, they are actually being given more candy simply for being cute.I guess this is where it all begins. This is where little girls learn that being attractive makes life easier for you; that it makes the world respond to you in a more attentive way.

Halloween 2009

What kind of message am I sending to my girls? I'm sure this went on when I was a kid too but I didn't pay attention because I WAS the kid.I was just ecstatic to get the candy.I didn't think of mixed messages or talking to pedophiles but now all that comes flooding to my brain when I think about my girls.Funny how, my biggest concern at Halloween was razor blades in apples and cyanide ridden popcorn balls ( remember, Mom used to toss those things directly into the garbage?)now I have to consider pedophiles, non politically correct feminist squashing candy tactics, and how to explain how it is wrong to talk to strangers ever..except for on Halloween night.Life was so much simpler when my biggest worry was whether or not I would get scared enough.Then, I had children and what scares me the most is that the worrying will never cease. Having your heart walk around outside your body is hard work.Happy Halloween!

Halloween 2010

Dishes, Drano and Dysentery

2010-11-01T14:52:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling like I had been run over, backed up and run over again by a mac truck full of cattle.That's almost how bad I felt, but actually...I feel worse than that.I blame myself, really. Apparently, there is no "poor girls not gotten laid in awhile" pass clause when it comes to your husband being sick.See, normally I'm all, "Don't kiss me on the mouth" all hooker style when he's sick. But being with the way things are lately ( the whole living situation, limited time together)once we hit the conjagulorium all bets were off.

Now,I'm sneezing so much that I've already had to change my panties twice this morning and its only 1pm. I'm coughing non stop. My throat hurts like I swallowed razor blades and then took a shot of Drano and my voice is crackling. I have a runny nose that keeps producing the most unladylike green substance that I have ever seen in the entire of my whole life.That's not even mentioning my chapped red nose, my chapped lips, my deafness and lack of smell. Plus I pretty much feel like I am walking around in a big giant bubble of sickness.Guess what?A 3 and 5 year old, don't care. One's yelling at me because I won't take them to Healthworks, the other one is pissed because she wants me to bring up her winter clothes from the basement and all I really want to do is curl up and try not to die.

So, you can just imagine what happened when I saw the dirty dishes in the sink this morning.You know, the dirty dishes that I asked the Big Guy to do before he left back out of town. I believe my exact words were, "Please do the dishes before you leave.I've done them for three months straight and I think I might blow my head off if I have to do them again!" Really, does he want me to blow my head off because sure as I am standing here with a red nose and a pocket full of green riddled used Kleenex, he left those damn dishes for ME!It wasn't too big of deal until, I was on my way to pick up Bella from school and realized on top of everything else...I have to NOW do those damn dishes.I texted him.Something to the effect, " I am dying over here. Are you fucking kidding me!!!!Thanks a LOT!!!" His response...."I shouldn't have taken that nap you FORCED me to take" ( yeah, he was sick so I was being nice but it wasn't like I put a gun to his head and FORCED him).Next, he said "Leave them until the weekend.I'll do them then!" Really, seriously, as if I am going to leave dirty nasty dishes in the sink until the weekend.I'm NOT and I'm pretty sure he knows that.

But I am really sick and don't feel like doing the dishes. In fact, its probably the last thing that I want to do right now.I may, however, throw them all in the garbage. Anybody else have these kinds of days? Just me then? So, to recap, thanks honey for the kiss of death you shared with me and the dirty dishes that you left me, as well. Anything else that you want to give me? Maybe a hefty case of gonorrhea?lice? The Bubonic plague? Dysentery? See you this weekend, the dishes may or may not be waiting too.I guess it depends whether or not they sprout legs and walk away on their own.

A journey of 1000 Miles starts with a Single Step; The First Day of the Rest of My Life

2010-11-01T10:32:00.001-04:00

Well, after last weeks posts,most of you are aware that I have had some issues with my weight. Or should I say that I have struggled with my weight since I was old enough to realize what weight and body image were.I wasn't necessarily heavy the entire time but you remember how when you were a teenager, absolutely everything was life or death, well for me the entire focus was on my body. I had thin athletic parents and all my friends were stereo typical cheerleader types in highschool.So, that made being average sized feel like I was morbidly obese, though I was not.

Then I went away to college and I was so deathly afraid of gaining the "freshman 15" that I literally started starving myself to death. Since then, its been a string of me trying to find a way to keep my body at a weight that was healthy without starving to death or restricting myself.It's a hard balance to find.I've lost and I've gained, like most women in America. ..the world, really. You start having children and before you know it, you've put on a few extra pounds here, then a few more there and soon you are looking in the mirror and wondering who the hell this person staring back at you is in the mirror. Being a Mommy, I am guilty of always putting my girls first. I try to find time for me but it is truly few and far between, especially now with the Big Guy gone so much for work. A couple months ago, I decided it was time to find my way back to "me" in Mommy. I really made a concerted effort to find some me time, exercise, make myself look presentable, date nights and some of it has stuck and some has not.One of the first things I noticed to go, as I sit here typing in my yoga pants and sweatshirt, was the taking time to get ready in the morning.Don't get me wrong, the reminder has eliminated the yoga pants and ponytails appearance every day. But I realized as I don't feel good in my own skin; my body isn't where I want it to be, it has become harder to feel presentable..even in a nice dress and a hot pair of heels.

This was in September this year on my Birthday.This is what I look like today as I start this journey!

So, I have resolved that I need to lose some weight, for me. Not for my husband or society but for me.I was joking and told my husband that I was going to call this journey my journey from hot mess to hot mommy but that's not true. I am NOT a hot mess. I've pretty much got it together,with the exception of my weight. I'm simply a woman on a journey to feel comfortable in my own skin. Lucky for me, I have been given an amazing opportunity to be a part of the Nutrisystem Nation blogging program. They have agreed to help me on my journey by providing me with the tools and convenience to reach my goal this time, in a healthy way. No, I'm not making a big reveal of my starting weight..I'm honest, not crazy, but my weight is the one thing I keep private. This is a very big deal to go public with my weight loss journey because it is the one part of my life that is usually off limits. But I trust you, you're my friends. You'll be supportive and that's what I am counting on. You are my accountability.I will keep you posted once a week on my progress.

You, my friends, have been with me through the metaphorical thick and thin of my life over the past year, now I need your support in the the physical thick and thin of my life. I'm starting this journey today...right now. My plan is to combine a lot of Nutrisystem with a good amount of Zumba and a brand new perspective. I want to feel at home in my own body, not like I am visiting a strange planet. I want to be healthy,I want to be a good example for my girls.I want to be able to keep up with my 3 and 5 year old. I want to not be mortified to get in a bathing suit for swim lessons.I want to believe my husband when he tells me that I am sexy.I want the mirror to reflect someone I recognize.I want to be around for a long time to see my children grow up and have my grandchildren. I want to be comfortable in my own skin!

Friday Morning Happiness

2010-10-29T10:18:00.001-04:00

It's Friday and I just don't feel like Fawk You's. I'm having a happy Friday and so I want to take a moment to bask in the great things happening to me, right now:) (As evidence I don't always..just bitch:)LOL

She's wearing the crazy cowgirl hat because it was CRAZY hat day @ school.Halloween party was yesterday.

My Bella lost her first tooth last night in the middle of the night. I was awaken by a little face pressed to mine, whispering,"Mommy, my tooth fell out!Yippee!" She is so excited, she says it makes her a "real" kindergartner!I'm a little sad about it but I am really happy that she is so excited.Now, to figure out what the tooth fairy will be leaving and I gotta get on that tooth fairy pillow!STAT!

I know I am biased but this kid rocks my socks off!

An unsuspecting moment of joy appeared this morning, on the way back from kindergarten drop off, Bruno Mars' Just the way you are came on the radio and it is one of my favorites because of what it represents. I sing it to my girls all the time. This morning, from the back seat I hear a little voice lifting up.I peak in my rear view and there is my 3 year old singing it at the top of her lungs and my heart swooned.Girl you're amazing..just the way you are!!

Next, I am ecstatic for my Big Guy to come home! I look forward to Fridays like most people look forward to Christmas and so do my girls. The Big Guy is a wonderful father and husband. He is a very hands on parent and if I need a nap or a couple hours to myself, he knows before I even need to ask and tells me to go do it. He really does complete me.I absolutely love me some Big Guy!

We are also really ecstatic about the fact that my wonderful brother in law has popped the question to his gorgeous girlfriend.We couldn't be happier.I can't wait to have another sister and my girls are over the moon to have "the Great" be their auntie! We love you both and we are wishing you a long life of happiness together!

J.dot.A.dot, this song is for you...We're so happy that You found her!

Next, I want to wish a very happiest of birthdays to my baby sister, Bekiluki (her Papi appointed nickname from our childhood.We all have them:). Girl, this is going to be the year big things happen for you. I feel it in my bones. Remember, Monday, November 1st is the first day of the rest of our lives.We pinky promised!I'll be right there to hold your hand little sister, always! You can do anything you want to in this life.You deserve happiness! Go get your happiness!! Love you!

Bertie this is for you.Listen to the lyrics and know that you are amazing and I am always here for you,little sister.There is a light in your eyes....

Last but not least, Happy Friday, everyone! This song makes me happy spontaneously,hope it can brighten yours, as well.

Happy Halloween from the Truthful Mommy household!

Sometimes single Mothering

2010-10-28T07:16:00.001-04:00

As most of you are aware, the Big Guy works out of town..A LOT! Like several days of the week. Basically, that leaves me to Mother the girls all by myself. Honestly, when he comes home for a couple days..its like Christmas and Fourth of July all in one.Its chaotic and exciting but it's not routine.It's like a great big Daddy tornado sweeps through the house.We love it.Believe me, I am ecstatic that he has a job at all and I look forward to him coming home the way most people look forward to the last day of their work week. But when it is over, I am left to pick up the emotional pieces ( and literally to clean up the house that the tornado hit); to soothe the crying, to bandage the heart wounds, to deal with girls missing their Daddy.Plus I get to do all the stuff all mothers get to do, I work from home, I clean,cook, do laundry, run the girls to and fro various activities, arrange play dates, bathe them, get ready for school, pick up from school, homework,pack snacks, sign permission slips and all the other obligatory school responsibilities,ballet, rehearsal, and on top of all of that...try and maintain my sanity.

So,when I got engaged in a Twitter debate with a fellow tweep over a statement similar to this "just because your husband works out of town a lot does not make you a single mother." Her viewpoint, being neither a single Mother, nor a woman whose husband is gone 5/7ths of the week, was that my disagreement with the statement was not right. In fact, she went as far as to tell me that I was not single mothering it...I was lonely.Which made me laugh because how the hell can I be lonely when I have 2 littles with me at all times of the day and night? Hell,I can't even go to the bathroom by myself.I'm not lonely...most days.I'm too busy with all this mothering business that I do on my own to be lonely. She argued that I was married and the fact that he paid the bills made me not single mothering.Wow! Who knew the only qualification for being a father or co parenting is to pay some bills! I love a woman who has never walked a minute in my shoes telling me that my life is easy and I am just a lonely complainer. Yey, for her!

I really should have just stopped tweeting because honestly trying to explain it to her was like trying to talk to an ESL student in Pig Latin on Mars. I don't know if she didn't understand what I was trying to say or simply just didn't care. I am going to say it was the latter.

Let's be clear, I have the utmost respect for single mothers. I don't know how you do it. You are seriously the hardest working women in the Mommy business. That being said, it's no picnic having a husband who has had to take a job that takes him away from the house....always. It's not occasional business trips.The weekly job, that is the business trip.Can you say commuter marriage? I am NOT a single mother because I am not single.I am married. That is true. But this is also true, I do all the mothering and daddying..5 days a week..by MYSELF! So, when this narrow minded broad, who doesn't know me, doesn't share my situation, doesn't even listen to my explanation, tries to tell me that I have it easy because I am married, forgive me for wanting to punch her in her gullet. It was almost as ridiculous as having a single non child having person trying to give out parenting advice.

What are your thoughts?Do you sometimes single Mother? Are you a full time single mother? Do you think life would be easier if it were only sometimes? Or maybe it would be easier if it were full time?What qualifies it as being hard? Time spent doing it? Doing it alone? Isn't mothering hard enough with all the Mommy guilt?Now, we have to prove how hard it is to other unsympathetic women?

Wordless Wednesday:Rabbit Holes & Yellow Brick Road Edition

2010-10-27T23:03:00.000-04:00

Do NOT use these pictures or copy them without my written consent!

Eating Disorders affect more than just your Body; Maura Kelly

2010-10-26T23:54:00.000-04:00

Maura Kelly,sex and relationship blogger for Marie Claire, wrote a post yesterday titled, Should "Fatties" Get a Room? (Even on TV?).The post was about the sitcom Mike & Molly, "the show centers around a couple who meet at an Over eaters Anonymous group [and] has drawn complaints for its abundance of fat jokes [as well as] cries from some viewers who aren't comfortable watching intimacy between two plus-sized actors." In her post she expressed her disdain for having to watch two "Fatties" make out, or simply walk across a room. This post garnered a lot of attention on the blogosphere and spread through twitter like a wildfire. I know, I was there..fanning the flames. I thought, what a monumental asshole this broad is behaving like.My next thought, who the hell is running that joint Marie Claire? Are there no editors? Talk about free speech!

OK, so she wrote a post about a sitcom.The problem is how she wrote it.The voice she used was very condescending and insulting. I agree with her in that I don't like to watch two people make out either but it has nothing to do with size, shape, color; I simply do not want to feel like I am watching porn.If that is what I wanted, well, I'd let the Big Guy choose something. But Ms. Kelly just kept repeatedly stepping in the proverbial dog shit.It was as if she backed up and stepped in it all over again, just to make sure she got it on her shoe. As evidenced by this quote

So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

As if that were not enough, she continued on

But ... I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.
(I'm happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them — but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there's plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you'll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can't afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice.)

This part is simply insult to injury because you see Ms. Kelly has had self admitted issues with eating disorders, anorexia in particular, herself. So, really she shouldn't be giving diet and nutritional advice to anyone.ANYONE! She claims to be recovered. Of course, having had my own experience with eating disorders, I know that being a recovered Anorexic is about the same as being a "recovered" alcoholic. You may have stopped the behavior but you have to take it one day at a time because you can't unlearn what you've already become privy to.You may decide that its not the way for you and stop the behavior but your mind still knows the path.

I'm no shrink but I'd say, from my own past experience, I had NO tolerance for overweight people because I was insane with obsession about my own weight.I felt like if I could control myself from eating, what I ate, how much I ate, when I ate, if I ate ; then why couldn't others show the same self control? You develop a disgust because partly they don't have your self control, but with that they also do not have your misery.The misery that wanting brings and this causes some jealousy and resentment. I'm not saying she still has eating issues but I think maybe she still needs to work through to her own resolution. This is not an excuse and probably not understandable to anyone who has not experienced these issues.

I've been "recovering" from these issues for 13 years and I still battle with acceptance of my own body. I have chosen to do it the right way, the slow..healthy, working out, eating right way.With the time it takes the body to heal it also gives the mind and spirit time to heal, appropriately. I do not cringe at heavy set people anymore.That was my own self loathing being externalized. I say to each his own. There is a terrible obesity epidemic in the United States and, for healths sake, I hope people can come around to healthier lifestyles.

There is nothing wrong with the show Mike and Molly, it is representative of a large part of our population.What's wrong with having a show that lets us see these two people falling in love? Don't they deserve the same happiness that anyone else deserves? Shame on you Maura Kelly for projecting your own issues onto the overweight people of the world. Does it make you feel better to make them feel worse? Just remember how miserable you felt when you were obsessing over your weight, and now realize that your piece may have done that for some poor overweight woman or girl! If you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

Love Letter to My 13 year old Self

2010-10-26T07:16:00.001-04:00

Me@7

Me@13

Me @ 16

Dear Debi (the 13 year old),
You are beautiful even with a mouth full of silver.Don't hide your smile in Freshman gym class. Smile big and hard with those big shiney braces, because one day that smile will light up the world for two of the most incredible little people that you will ever know.Laugh your goofy Ricky Riccardo laugh because one day the man of your dreams will find it as endearing as you find it disgusting. Write in your journal, put pen to paper and remember these moments because they are what will make you who you will become. Be fearless! Try everything, go for your dreams, exhaust your potential.Walk tall my love, 5'7" may feel enormous at your age when you are towering over all the boys but in a couple of years they will all be taller than you.Your value in life is not measured by the size of your jeans and comparing yourself to others is a pointless waste of time. Besides, you are never as big as you think and eating disorders and body issues are so not the way to go. With it, comes years of shame and guilt and it will take years to undo the damage that you will do to your body.In the end, it only makes things worse.Be the best you that you can be, that's enough.That's better than enough, its exhausting potential and being comfortable in your own skin.It's amazing.It is more important than I can even make you understand.It is the kind of knowledge that I've had to learn the hard way. No matter what box you have been put into by people and society, you are free. Your horizons are boundless. Your potential is limitless. Breathe little girl, there is plenty of time for growing up, embrace yourself.You are the perfect you and what seems momentous today and earth shattering will pass and make you stronger.Love yourself with the reckless abandon that you would give any one else who has a special place in your heart.You deserve it! Sing at the top of your lungs, dance like nobody is watching,love like you've never been hurt, and laugh like Ricky Ricardo!

Love,
Your Older, Wiser Self

Imagine a world

…where every girl grows up with the self-esteem she needs to reach her full potential.
…where every woman enjoys feeling confident in her own beauty.
…where we all help to build self-esteem in the people we love most.

Me, Today@ 38

Dove,Thanks for this wonderful campaign.It makes my heart soar to know that the world will be a better place for my girls because of it.

A Carnival of the Senses for your Children

2010-10-25T16:27:00.000-04:00

The holidays are off and running with Halloween right around the corner, which means before we know it...Thanksgiving will be here and then in a blink of an eye Christmas and New Year. I love the holidays but I try not to get so swept up trying to get to each next holiday that I forget to enjoy the season and all the great things the season has to offer with my family.

As most of you know, my family is a big fan of the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. Not only do they have great children's productions they also offer fabulous productions for date night, like Romeo and Juliet. They are located right on Navy Pier, so my family normally makes a day of it.It's a great way to spend a day together exploring the city.That is why we are so excited about the upcoming family series production The Carnival of the Animals and the Story of Babar,the little elephant.

Image courtesy of The Chicago Chamber Musicians.

Camille Saint-Saens' the Carnival of the Animals turns a parade of marching animals into a lively musical romp, where the tales of donkeys, turtles and swans are told through charming melodies.In Francis Poulencs' The Story of Babar,the Little Elephant, a curious elephant leaves the jungle for the big city.Whimsical tunes tell the story of Babar's travels, where he learns to wear a suit, drive a car and read books before returning to the jungle to become king of the elephants.Between concerts each day, interactive exhibits staged in the CST lobby will give children a chance to explore the instruments representing the animals- musicians will be available for autographs and young performers will demonstrate the craft and answer questions about the featured instruments.

The latest CST production in the family series is another fabulous musical event for the entire family.From the Courtyard Theater stage, audiences embark on an adventure through the animal kingdom with the Chicago Chamber musicians (CCM).The Carnival of the Animals and The Story of Babar the Little Elephant will have a limited run November 6 and 7, 2010. The concerts are held at 10 am and 11:30 am on each day. Tickets are $15 and $18 with special discounts available for groups of 10 or more. All patrons receive a 40% parking discount at Navy Pier garages, which as you know in Chicago is worth its weight in gold.

I've not seen it yet but we are very excited. CST is very family friendly and my girls love going to the theater. I love it because for the price it is a great way to introduce the little ones to some culture, chamber music and the theater plus it f can easily be followed by a great lunch on the Pier or a day walking around downtown with the family getting to know the fabulous city. If you are anywhere in the Chicago land or Northwest Indiana area, hope to see you there.

And don't forget for a Romantic Date Night, Romeo and Juliet is still running until November 21,2010. There is still time to see it.I would highly recommend it.You can read my review here.

Disclosure: I was provided with tickets to see the Carnival of Animals and The Story of Babar, the little elephant by The Chicago Shakespeare Theater in order to view the performance and give my own personal opinions on it. The opinions I have given are mine and may differ from others but were NOT influenced by the Chicago Shakespeare Theater..

Whole Wide World

2010-10-25T09:46:00.001-04:00

Just because today this is how I am feeling about the Big Guy! I'd Go the Whole Wide World, baby!

Throat Punch Thursday;Jackass Firefighter Edition

2010-10-22T10:19:00.000-04:00

Tonight's Throat Punch goes to a special kind of asshole.The kind of asshole who is suppose to be your knight in shining armor but turns out to be a freak with a cell phone that shoots video! News of graphic cell phone video footage taken at the scene of a deadly car accident on July 17, 2009 has gone viral. You heard me right, we are surrounded by sick, disgusting people who obviously can't resist a car wreck. A bunch of rubberneckers of death.The video was taken by an unknown first responder( firefighter) and contains graphic images of 23-year-old Georgia woman (and mother) Dayna Kempson-Schacht .OK,close your mouth.I know my jaw was on the floor when I first heard about this. What's next getting molested by priests? Oh wait, too late! Nothing is sacred anymore with all of this technology, not even your death.

The video was shared among firefighters and at a local bar before making its way online, where it went viral. Why? I don't know why he took the video in the first place. Maybe if he had spent more time responding and less time filming the fatal crash it wouldn't have proven fatal. Why was he sharing it at a local bar? It's not like showing a picture of your kid in your wallet or a funny youtube video, he knew this video was not appropriate. Two-and-a-half months after Dayna's death, the video was brought to the attention of her parents who say they cannot get the gruesome images out of their heads.
Surprisingly, investigators say they don't believe any laws were broken in the filming and sharing of the video.Can you believe this type of behavior is tolerated in today's society? Have we become so callus that it means nothing to spread a video of a woman's death like a virus. Humanity has been plagued by apathy.

Tonight's Throat Punch goes to the douche bag firefighter who betrayed his profession, sold out his humanity, and chose to video tape one of the most intimate moments of someone else's life. I,personally, think he deserves to be taken off the job and prosecuted with criminal charges as well as civil charges brought by Ms. Kempson-Schacht' parents for having to endure the accidental viewing of the horrific video. Mr. Firefighter, you are an embarrassment to your profession and your species.

Mommy Truisms:The Dangerous games Mommies play edition

2010-10-21T11:00:00.004-04:00

It's time for a few more of my Mommy truisms.Growing sisterhood through motherhood, one truism at a time! Enjoy.

Being a new parent is like high school,everything is life or death and you are certain that each wrong decision will ruin the rest of your life.But in the end, you grow through it, survive it, and become a better version of yourself.

Conjugalorium:another word for a co-sleepers unused bedroom.Go ahead, you paid for it.Someone should be using that extra bed.

Sometimes kids will get completely naked to use the bathroom.Don't ask why.You will not receive a coherent explanation.Save yourself the brain hurt.

Having children is like walking around the world with an open wound.

8 out of 10 parents co sleep with their children at some point in their childhood; 2 out of 10 admit it!

Bending down, using your stern voice and scolding an adult who has wronged you is perfectly acceptable behavior from a mother.

When your 3 year old screams incessantly "Me hate you!", as much as you'd like to say,"Oh yeah, you are NOT my favorite person right now either" hold your tongue.They will hear you.They will remember it and you will pay for your slip for the rest of your life!

Cherish your spouse; they are your forever, children are just a temporary horror show.

Hiding in the bushes in the dark, in a dark hallway or under the basement stairs and jumping out to scare your kids is perfectly acceptable at Halloween, but only if you have first made sure they are not inflicted with long QT syndrome.

Not allowing your child to go on a field trip with 47 children, 2 teachers and NO chaperones is not only a good idea, its pretty much required for safety.

Handing children sippy cups, goldfish or cheerios, stopping skirmishes, searching for dropped crayons, holding ice cream cones, changing Barbies & babies, and changing a DVD, lowering or raising the volume, hitting play or wiping clean are all activities that you do in the car that are MORE dangerous to the safety of your children than using your cell phone.

Sometimes a spontaneous dance party is exactly what is needed to save the day!

There is no such thing as loving on your child too much.Go ahead.Try.I dare you.It can't be done. Children deserve all the love that you can possibly give to them.

Knowing the previous information, NEVER withhold your love from your child as a punishment.If you do, you are the mental defect and should be judged accordingly.

Parenthood is an endless succession of minutia, but pay attention, within the minutia is hidden the most spectacular miracles.

Happy Mothering and come back for tonight's Throat Punch Thursday post.

Wordless Wednesday;Picture Day & Autumn in the Midwest

2010-10-21T08:48:00.000-04:00

Why did I teach my girls to spell

2010-10-20T09:45:00.000-04:00

Remember the good old days when you could spell any word that you wanted your children NOT to understand. I don't know how many times we spelled "B.A.T.H", "S.L.E.E.P", "N.A.P." "O.U.T.S.I.D.E." and every single curse word..ever! In fact the other night, my friend and I were at dinner talking and she burst out into spelling a curse word.We both chuckled because the youngest person at the table was my baby sister who is 32. But its just one more of our Mommy moments.

Unfortunately for me, my brilliant 5 year old is phonetically spelling everything now and when we spell..she figures it out. So, no more talking about how they won't be going outside, or can't drive their Barbie Escalade in 50 degree weather. No more whispered spelling about what we plan to do after the girls go to sleep. No more talking about what just transpired with the crazy mom. No, because now my child who hears absolutely nothing I have to say to her can hear everything I spell that is of absolutely no concern to her.Worse, she can understand what I am spelling and takes great unabashed joy in deciphering my Mommy code!

Damn! Why did I ever teach my kid to spell? I am fairly certain my life is going to hell in a gasoline doused hand basket, any day now. She's already heard too much. She has cracked my code but worse is she cracked it before telling me she understood. In theory, I may or may not have said something about a certain crazy mother, teacher, neighbor or family member that may get repeated at the most inopportune time.It's like I'm being held hostage by a kindergartner, without her knowledge.I can't ask her not to say anything because a) I'm not sure entirely what she has deciphered and understood and what she has not b)if I do broach the subject and ask her not to repeat any thing, what kind of an example am I setting? I'd be teaching her that its OK to be mean and ugly and then to lie to cover it up.Yeah, because that will never come back to bite me in the ass.

No thank you! I have already learned my lesson, from my Mother's flurry of "I hope you have a little girl just like you when you grow up" that has since hit me over the head and kicked me in the ass ten fold. NO, I know the bitch that karma can be and I choose not to taunt or tempt her. I will keep my mouth shut. Stop spelling in front of my big brained baby and really just try and be a better person. After all, isn't it my mouth that got me into all of this trouble and not my daughter's big brain or astute hearing skills? But I still would like to know Why did I teach my girl to spell? Next thing you know, she'll be deciphering for her little sister.Happy Mothering!

A-Ha Moments, Not just for Oprah anymore!

2010-10-19T10:04:00.000-04:00

The other day I had my ultimate Mommy Moment thus far in my life as a Mommy. We all think our A-Ha Mommy moment hits sometime in those first few seconds of exhausted bliss after birth. We spend hours in labor, we are ready to be a Mommy.The baby finally makes its way into the world and they place him/her on our chest all ooey and gooey and we fall in love. Deep, breathtaking love. We are a Mommy.That's it, end of story. That's when we know we have arrived,right?

WRONG! Oh so wrong. I did fall into deep, breathtaking love with each of my girls at the moment they came into the world.Hell, let's be honest I loved them before they were born.It's just the way I am built. Not everyone does and that's OK. I mean, its sort of a shock the way they are thrust into our lives, really. But even with all that giant love oozing out of my heart, not a Mommy Moment does that make. Of course if you have a child you are a mother but what really changed about you, the person? Everything and nothing,all at the same time.It's not a magic wand that instantaneously makes you a "Mommy" There is no apprenticeship, there is no internship, there is no class that immerses you in the reality of a colicky baby, a dirty house, an exhausted brain, and an equally exhausted body. Even if there was a book that told us the honest to God truth, we'd never believe it. The reality is too spectacular. It's one of those things you have to live through, like war, death, and your own birth. On the job training is the only way to experience it.

So, back to the Mommy Moment,the exact moment that you KNEW you had evolved from your old self into a Mommy. Was it the moment you conceived? The moment you locked eyes with your newborn? The first time they smiled at you? The first time they called out Mommy and you realized you were the one they were calling out to? The first time you had to stay awake all night checking a sick child's temperature and didn't mind? The first time you had to soothe tears and hold your baby so tightly to protect them from the pain of the world? Maybe it was the first time you caught a glimpse of your child's face and you saw yourself in them? Perhaps, it was the moment that you realized that a world without them would be one in which you would not want to live? Maybe the moment that you realized they hold your entire heart in their tiny little hands? Maybe it was the moment that you had to issue a punishment or say no to them, even though you wanted to just give them everything their heart desired? Was it the moment that you realized that you needed to be there to pick up the pieces when life had let them down? Maybe it was the second that you realized you were capable of murdering any person large or small who directly or indirectly hurt your child, physically, emotionally, on purpose or accidentally?Was it the moment that you realized that seeing the world through their eyes was better than through your own.Possibly the moment that you realized they were your everything and you wouldn't have it any other way? Or maybe the moment that you realized that their happiness was more important to you than your own? The moment that you realized how selfless you had become and it didn't feel like a sacrifice or burden.When did you know in your heart, in your soul, that you were a MOMMY?

For me, I've experienced all the moments from the previous paragraph and hundreds ( maybe thousands) more in the last 5 years. But how I knew I had really become a Mommy.The realization that I had changed and it was about more than breastfeeding, nap times, yoga pants, ponytails, exhaustion and Mommy brain came when I was out with friends on my birthday last month. I was miles away from my children, for the first time ever.I was having a complete blast being "me".I wasn't obsessing over my girls who were at home with their Grandma, eating chocolate and going to parks, zoos, pretty much anything their hearts desired but they were still with me. Unbeknown to me.But it sneaked out like a silent ninja, that Mommy moment of mine.

Right there on the dance floor at a hip city club, I was surrounded by enthusiastic dancing 20 something year olds.You know, like who I was before I had children. Everybody was dancing and the music was bumping.I was with my sister and my best friend dancing, just happy to be out. You know the feeling. It was like someone let the crazies out of the asylum for the night. Then it happened, two girls, probably in their early twenties were enthusiastically jumping around on the dance floor and they kept bumping into me. I ignored them at first, after all, they were only trying to have fun on a super crowded dance floor.They had no idea what a momentous occasion this was for me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and it happened. I found myself, whipping around, bending down to make eye contact, pointing with my index finger, and using my seriously stern voice to utter these shameful words, "HEY! You girls better be careful. You are going to knock me down and someone's going to get hurt!"Then I stood straight up and they both, shocked, looked at me and said "Yes, Ma'am!" Then I realized what I had just done. I went Mommy crazy all over their asses. Then I heard them,like my children, giggling behind me. Probably because they couldn't believe what had just transpired.Had I really just scolded them all Nanny style at Nacional 27 on a Saturday night in the middle of the dance floor. I don't blame them.As I heard them giggle, it made me chuckle because 10 years prior it would have been a completely different scenario. I would have turned around, pushed them off me and said something more like,"Watch it, Bitch! " But not tonight, tonight I was a Mommy and I know that it is not something that I do. It is something that I am at my very core, even when my girls are not by my side; they are always with me in my heart, my thoughts, and ( apparently) my actions. Happy Mothering!

It's a Beautiful World I See

2010-10-19T08:48:00.000-04:00

I planned to write a post tonight about my Mommy A-Ha moment and then I read a couple posts of fellow bloggers who I really admire. Tonight, their posts have inspired me to write something different then what I had planned.I know that lately I have been writing syrupy or serious pieces, not my usual "laugh out loud, that lady cracks me up" kind of pieces but that's just where my head has been lately.Things have been weighing on my mind. I do have a serious side, you know. Sometimes:) Tonight, is not night that the snark makes its reappearance but soon.I promise.

The posts that I read were Empty by Jenni Chiu @ Mommy Nani BooBoo and Hey Buddy by Kelle Hampton @ Enjoying the Small Things. Jenni is normally a rip roaring hoot. I adore her because she is absolutely hilarious, snarky in a way that you either fall madly in love with her style or you are completely offended. I fell hard for her snark. She is honest and real, just like life.Tonight, I first read her post about Green Eggs and Ham and her little boy eating his boogers and I laughed out loud. She is challenging herself to write a 50 word story. Commentors are encouraged to leave a word to be used and she will use the first 50 words that she receives,just like the challenge issued to Dr. Seuss. Of course, given our repartee I issued the word "pulchritudinous".Then, I went back a post and read, Empty and my heart cracked open into a million little pieces.

A few days ago she had a miscarriage at two months along. It's her story to tell and I suggest that you read it. I can't do it justice. But it made my heart hurt and made me want to hold me girls really close tonight. I am so blessed that when I crawl into bed after writing this post, I am going to snuggle so closely to my little girls that they are going to wake up and say ,"Mommy, get off of me!Scoot back!You are smothering me!" And I won't really mind or care because I am just so grateful that I have them here to annoy. These are the moments that change us.The moments that make us realize that we are mortal that we are all here but by the grace of God.

Then I headed over to Enjoying the Small Things, as I do every single time my blog roll shows that she has posted something new.Have you read Kelle Hampton? She is really an amazing writer, photographer, mother, and lover of life. She is a go big or go home sort of person with her love. I read her for inspiration.She inspires me to Enjoy the Small things and to be a better person. Tonight's post was about the Downs Syndrome Buddy Walk held in Naples, Florida this past weekend.Kelle and her husband have two beautiful daughters, the youngest, Nella, has Downs Syndrome. I am perpetually inspired by how Kelle views the world and her perspective on life.Tonight's post touched me beyond words. The gorgeous photos of all family and friends gathered round in support of their little almond eyed beauty in the walk. As I skimmed the photos of Nella herself, in her little Rock star wagon, I found myself crying and smiling simultaneously. My heart breaks knowing how deep a Mother's love is and how we want every possibility for our children.To see our children grow up, get married and have children of their own, to share their life experiences with us..to watch them exhaust every avenue of potential..that is what we live for. That's the good stuff. To watch them struggle in any way, tears at our soul.To know that one day limitations will arise for such a small piece of God's perfection makes me sad. But I am so happy that little Nella has such an amazing Mother, Father,Grandfather, sister, family, and friends who will be there throughout the good times and bad times, the hard times and the soft times, the sunny days and the cloudy days of life. Her piece made me want to do more, to push the possibilities, to embrace the chaos and to love my children with reckless abandon with a love so fierce that it could rule the world.

Thank both of you ladies for sharing such intimate moments in your lives. You both have inspired me to be a better woman, mother, and wife.You have made me want to be a better me and to be thankful for this beautiful world that I see. These moments are truly changing me.